Exhaustion and Loneliness
|8 min read
Bilious's avatar
By Bilious   |   Watch
0 41 1K (1 Today)
Published: August 10, 2010

Dammit. I need to stop feeling bad. It's really really frustrating. Whether it's self consciousness, paranoia, or that general self-loathing girls my age live with, it's dumb and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the stresses going on IRL but that's what IRL is all about, I guess. Just an unending whirlwind of drama constantly. I'm tired of not having the energy to draw and when I do draw its nothing I feel compelled to finish. Just a lot of unfinished ideas. I feel like if I create anything it must MUST be OMG PORTFOLIO WORTHY or I'm wasting my time. Maybe that's just my dad's anxiety bombarding me.  I'm tired of worrying about where the next paycheck will come from, but that's just how this Freelance game goes. I'm tired of none of my online friends being around when I'm around, and the lonely sort of self conscious paranoia that comes with it. Like I'm growing apart from my friends simply because I'm not around enough to talk to them all the time. I'm tired of feeling like I have something to prove instead of just being myself.  I'm tired of feeling shitty for stupid reasons.

So you know what.

Fuck it.

I'm taking a nap.

My "Self Confidence" Journal only helped feed the optimism for a short while. It's nice giving other people pep talks at least.  Soul food to some degree.

DA Birthday bash was super fun but probably a good portion of why my hips hurt so badly and the fact I passed out for a few hours in a sitting position on the couch yesterday.

I need to go outside to play more. Peaches and Molly, I'm lookin' at you two.

And I think I'm done venting.

All Those Extra Parts:

Current Commission Queue:
A note: I will not start until references and payment are received!
Commissions will open again once the current queue is done.

falingard PAID :star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Another Gleim thing (Chauction winner, that art whore!)

To Complete ASAP:
owed mindsend piccu #1: :star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Kiriban for Mr-Tea-and-Crumpets :star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Kiriban for rentabby :star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:
Watchmen Contest Prize: :star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty:

:thumb34052303: :thumb27702108: Gay Rights Stamp by Raven-LaLupa Little Stamp Thing by keiross I LOVE FROGS Stamp by thewildchild I Heart Tea Stamp by croaky Octo by Animal-Stamp Terry Pratchett Fan by CarmelCoveredQ-Chan Proud to be in...by alKahinat by PastDervishandBanges Firefly Stamp by ravekitten Superjail Stamp by The-Bloody-Fedora

anonymous's avatar
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zirofax's avatar
I just saw this! We need to hang :) I'll let you know the next time I am heading out or online.

and fell better :)
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist

I cheered myself up with kitties and chinese food, I'm doing better. XD <3
Oly-RRR's avatar
Oly-RRRProfessional General Artist
I can sort of relate. If you need to vent, you can always note me (I'm sorry I'm not online much, it's too hot to keep the computer on for a long time).

Things gotta look up! When you're down, the only way is up.

I hope you'll feel better soon. :hug:
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
I misss yoooooouuuu ;A; I'm feeling a lot better today, I think just getting those thoughts out of my head helped. <3333
Pleasant-X-Nightmare's avatar
I plan to plan that sketchy fun group we spoke of. I'm playing tutor in english and math tomorrow... But maybe after that we can get together and have you and me girly chatter and gun repair day. Text and help me remember. <3
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
WILL DO >:C I seriously need to get out of the house more DX
Pleasant-X-Nightmare's avatar
Ditto for me much of the time. We will make that happen-- or at least make the house more fun by filling it with girlish delight.
JOSEPHSK's avatar
I got as far as the line, "I'm taking a nap"

then all I could think of was "ZHEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!!"
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist

QueenGwenevere's avatar
Well, naps are good... getting outside and taking mental breaks is good... and make sure you eat healthy, that helps with energy (or lack thereof)...

Also, dunno if it'll help, but there's a thread on ConceptArt with a ton of links for all kinds of art motivation issues, there's a lot of good stuff in there. It's this thread here: [link]

I feel like if I create anything it must MUST be OMG PORTFOLIO WORTHY or I'm wasting my time.

I've felt like that, when I started freelancing especially, and even now sometimes when I'm in a long slump between jobs... Like I'm not sure what I should be working on, and I'm afraid to waste time working on "the wrong thing". It sometimes helps if I kind of set myself a schedule - work on work-related/portfolio/"important" stuff for a certain amount of time, then leave a little time to goof off and work on more random fun stuff. At least that way if I work on "more important" stuff first, I don't feel guilty about working on other stuff. (And often the "less important" stuff turns out to be worthwhile in the end, anyway.)

Though of course that means having time to work on anything to begin with... :/

Maybe if you lack time and energy, set yourself some itty-bitty daily art tasks for now? Maybe that would be a way to feel like you're accomplishing something, (however small), but without too much pressure.
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
I think a lot of it is just my dad's attitude at me all the time. It gets to the point where I'm afraid to be drawing when he's around because he'll be like "Is that a commission? Did you get paid to draw that?" "Is that for a client? Is that for the portfolio?" and if it's not business related he gets mad at me. And if it is, he'll sit there and explain how much he hates my digital drawing verses my traditional drawing and how he hates my inking so I'm left afraid to draw while he's awake or face hyper-criticism-to-the-point-of-not-being-constructive-criticism (His excuse when I finally sobbed at him that I can't take it anymore is "Well I've been really stressed, forgive me" - I've been really stressed too, I wish he'd just let me do my thing and not always be wrapped up in his own things and trying to hyper manage me constantly. D: ) but we've been so busy he's not asleep until eleven or so and it's like ugggggg I don't want to do my drawing in a dark corner late at night for just a half hour. But if I start now, will he give me shit? I want to draw in the sunshine at the nice table and not be sassed or interrupted every two seconds while on my own agenda, but as it stands that's impossible. We're in "High alert" thanks to his partner failing us and that means even less sleep and even less chance of repose anytime soon.

And so the cycle continues. Even if I try to ignore it when he's being bitchy, or whatnot it's just... it's been a year and a half of anxiety issues related to my work, I'm amazed I've finished anything, let alone what I see as a pile of useless crap. I just need a break from life I feel like. Can't go into too many details but IRL needs to sort itself the hell out or IDK what my psyche will do. I'm glad to have at least vented here, it's pretty futile and I guess I need to just buck up and tell my dad to leave me alone when I'm drawing or writing, but it's hard with him interrupting me every five minutes. (Like he just did now when I was trying to write this. I'm busy venting about him being all up in my biz all the time and he wanted me to search Lowes for emergency ladders.) If it's incoherent in any way it's because I've been stopped every few seconds and if I tried to explain to him my frustrations with the situation he would give a list of excuses and talk through me. Tina doesn't get to talk outside of the computer.)

Textwall bitchery aside, I think it mostly comes down to the fact that this past year has sucked giant hairy monkey balls and my saturation/tolerance levels have overflooded. Hopefully once this crisis passes things will start to pick up. I need to supe up my portfolio again all over. It's tons of projects I'm excited to do, but not a lot of drawing- I seem to not be refined enough to get the drawing jobs outside of a handful of commissions now and then, and that's disheartening, but my talents are so varied my current portfolio doesn't even cover them all. (I mostly post my personal work on DA)

After I finish this owed art piece tonight (hopefully) I should work on a personal piece I've been wanting to do for months even if it's really nothing but personal reference for FUTURE pieces. Bwaaarg I miss comicing. My friend told me I should really do more storyboarding because I'm not only good at it but it's easier to get hired for than other animation jobs. I agree, but I also need more short animation samples, more stop-motion fiddling, more.... everything. Current list of projects include: Prosthesis examples, life casting examples, animatronics examples, and foam fabrication examples. Not much drawing there. And I'm tired and feel like there's only so much of me to go around and BWAAAARRRG. Hopefully starting this weekend I can hide in the studio and crank some of these objects out just to show I can. Still, wondering where to fit in drawing in all this.

Venting does help and I'm so glad to have friends who understand and can help shout at me to cheer up. D: <3 I hate carrying these negative thoughts with me, I AM generally an optimistic person. I'm just at the end of my rope emotionally at this point. At least it's during the aftermath of most of this shit.
QueenGwenevere's avatar
Eeeek. Well no WONDER you're stressed! :noes: I don't think I could work with parents hovering over me all the time either... It was bad enough living in their living room a couple years back when I had a broken leg, just about drove me crazy...

I guess I need to just buck up and tell my dad to leave me alone when I'm drawing or writing <<< THIS, yes! though maybe when you're feeling slightly less stressed...

Sounds like you really need some space to yourself. Like, a room with a door. That closes. And can be barricaded. Did you ever build forts out of furniture and cardboard boxes? That's what you need now - a fort. A dad-proof fort.

Or partitions. (Oh god, you could make your own cubicle... um, not sure if that's the best idea...)

Or maybe you can take some of your work outside someplace that's not under constant surveillance... Or hide in the studio. That sounds good.
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
Lol well I have an open invitation to work at my friend's studio, so when I get to the latexing stage of the game I can go harass him at least. XD

Additionally what really really sucks is that we have wireless internet in the whole house EXCEPT FOR MY BEDROOM. I have no idea what it is, there must be like. Wiremesh in the walls of the livingroom or something but it's like. While I'm drawing I like to have my laptop so I can hit up google for references and chit chat on messengers while at my drawing table but FFFFFFFFFFFFF.

But yeah stress levels are the main issue definitely. XD

I napped and since venting I'm feeling a lot better too.
flipsidered's avatar
flipsideredHobbyist Digital Artist

uh wait

Biliiii ;; you're too rad to be sad, stoppit :heart:
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
Workin' on it. ;A; Purging the negative thoughts is the first step I think. XD <3333333
ShadowWalkerInc's avatar
Well I'm still around. Your welcome to call me to hang out some time or you can come on down. We can have a art jam or something.
Carsis's avatar
CarsisProfessional Interface Designer
believe me, the nap will help :sleep:
Buuya's avatar
Buuya Digital Artist

Not sure what to say other than hope things start to look up soon. Hell, even feeling temporarily better is a good way to keep going. I can testify to that, boy howdy.

If you didn't live 6000 miles away, I'd totally make you a cake and give you a hug.
Have some pixels of sympathy :iconcakeplz: :heart:
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist

I'm too tired to do it myself.

And no cars, you must WALK or I will not feel the love. u_u

Srsly though thanks ;A; Just venting somewhere helps sometimes. Not healthy to keep things bottled up. That's how unnecessary, unrelated arguments happen. XC
Buuya's avatar
Buuya Digital Artist
Google Maps tells me that it will take about 42 sleepless days to walk there.

Google Maps, why would you need to be able to calculate that?

That cake's gonna be a bit mushy, BUT IT WILL BE MADE WITH LOOOVE.

Hear hear :heart: Let the ragegasms out, bb.
Bilious's avatar
BiliousProfessional General Artist
Buuya's avatar
Buuya Digital Artist
LOL BB just for you :D
Voodoofish's avatar
VoodoofishHobbyist General Artist
Feel betters!! :hug:
Ekuneshiel's avatar
EkuneshielProfessional Digital Artist
I'm totally tracking with you on this one. I got a part-time job to help out with the ambiguity of freelance pay. Helps out a lot. All I can say is keep your chin up. Things will start to get better. I promise. :hug:
anonymous's avatar
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