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Emberiza Aureola - (with painting)

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By Barosus   |   
Published:
© 2020 Barosus
Painting used courtesy of 

By KremenaChipilova 
:iconkremenachipilova:

Valediction or The Red Ribbon

Valediction or The Red Ribbon by KremenaChipilova

I want to thank Kremena publicly 
For allowing me to display 
The beautiful painting that inspired my poem
I have always wanted to display them TOGETHER 
And I am profoundly grateful
For the chance to fulfill that vision

Original text only version here - Emberiza Aureola
Image size
1600x1200px 455.47 KB
Comments26
anonymous's avatar
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PrecariouslyPeculiar's avatar

One of your best works :heart:

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

I actually completely agree. Thanks you.

Bubblegumdove's avatar
BubblegumdoveHobbyist Writer

It really is great to have these two pieces together, to be seen side by side. 👍💛

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

This is how I wanted to do it all along, but I didn't dare to ask until after Kremena had asked me if she could post my poem along with her painting on other sites. I was still scared to ask her, but I was so thrilled when she said yes.

Thanks, mate! :huggle:

Bubblegumdove's avatar
BubblegumdoveHobbyist Writer

You're welcome! :w00t:

Roesavlon's avatar
RoesavlonStudent Writer

This got a lot darker then I thought it would. Though it does fit the painting well and flows nicely. Overall a poem well written.

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

Thank you! The fact that you looked at the painting and didn't expect my poem to be dark, backs up my hypothesis that most people casually glancing at that painting would not necessarily get all that is going on. I wrote the original text version as a comment to KremenaChipilova because I caught a lot of the symbolism and was so impressed that she had managed to truly embody the concept of a picture being worth a thousand words.

Roesavlon's avatar
RoesavlonStudent Writer

No problem and that's very true

Lionnfart's avatar
LionnfartHobbyist Writer

you made a beautiful story out of a beautiful work of art. I admire your ability to be inspired by images - they are always very elusive to me, even though I love their beauty so. :heart: excellent work.

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

I hardly even know how to reply. I guess I am still stunned people would admire me for anything. It really is a constant battle with my own weird self esteem issues. I have a hard time just accepting admiration because deep down I never feel like I deserve it. Even to this day when I hear people say things like what you just said, I am always blown away. It means a ton to me. Thank you so much! :hug:

Barosus - Thank You Emote by Sam-Lim
marciceman's avatar

Wow! Very, very good.

And most thoughtful of yourself for

combining the painting with your poem.

Excellent. :)

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

Thanks! I am so happy Kremena let me do that. It still blows my mind that she is just barely starting out as an artist and is already creating traditional oil painting of THAT caliber. Talk about hitting the ground running!

marciceman's avatar

Yes, she is very good. That's like a rookie winning the MVP award in a sports league.

I agree!!! :)

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

Absolutely. ^_^

Fusainne's avatar
FusainneHobbyist Artisan Crafter

I love how the picture and poem go so well together, and the poem has a great flow to it!

Although, if I might say so, there are two lines ("That ties one soul to another" and "Dreams lie shattered inside her heart") that seem, to me, a little too long and kind of 'fall out' of the rhythm. If this is intentional, forget I said anything, and I hope you don't mind me looking at the poem so closely ;)

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

I don't mind close scrutiny at all. (as long as you don't mind finding out how much of a hack I really am lol) I will even admit those lines feel awkward to me as well. It is basically my own rules though. This time I was sticking to abab cdcd etc. and eight syllables a line throughout the poem. So, although some actually do seem to disrupt the flow more than I would like, it really is following a pattern.

You have a very good eye! Those are exactly the two lines that feel most awkward to me as well. "Ties one soul to another" even when i read it aloud feels like it is crying out to be "unto" instead of "to.", but then it would break my self-imposed eight syllable rule. As for the other line, I could rewrite it as "Shattered dreams lie inside her heart" but I actually prefer the structure as is. That line does bug me though. Rhythmic flow issues may also be due to the fact that I didn't bother with syllable stress patterns either (nor have I ever).

Plus, there is the issue that, if I changed it, it might inconvenience Kremena, who has posted the text-only version on other sites along with her painting. Thank you fro the excellent comment though! Please, do not feel bad at all. I love it when people care enough about my work to give constructive comments like yours. I actually find it flattering. I am always happy to talk about any of my work, especially when the comments as insightful as yours. :hug:

Fusainne's avatar
FusainneHobbyist Artisan Crafter

I'm glad you took this the right way! Yes, I totally understand, and I never expected you to change anything. Thanks for explaining the 'rules' behind the poem, that was super interesting.

I think I mostly noticed because of the way I consume poems...I always have to read them aloud (or at least, pretend to read them aloud in my mind, if that makes any sense). It's an issue with my own writing as well; I also envision my poems pronounced or emphasized a certain way, then have a hard time conveing that in written form!

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

THAT IS WHAT I DO TOO! ^_^ In fact even when I am proofing my prose, one of my key tools that i use to check out the low is to have the Word "speak aloud" feature read it through to me.... usually many times, as I tweak and make edits. I actually find it almost as useful to my process as spell and grammar checks.

I read them aloud in my head as well . When my mom still lived with us I used to read my stuff to her instead. She didn't mind all the pauses to fix things that I inevitably find. She was not much help fro critical feedback though, because she basically loves everything I write. LOL

There are even certain poems of mine I like to read IN CHARACTER, like a voice actor, especially some of the darker ones like "The Lacunae Dwellers." I always thought I was just silly.

Fusainne's avatar
FusainneHobbyist Artisan Crafter

Oh I'd love to hear you read one of your poems in character, particularly the froggy ones :D Maybe you need a Youtube channel on top of your dA account ;)

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

Aww, thanks so much for the encouragement! The problem with that is that I am on a medical ventilator machine. I would be embarrassed to do that because I know I couldn't make it through without dropping words due to the stupid machine making me run out of breath when i don't expect it, or going into a coughing fit it it fights me.

That is the problem with having a machine breathe for you. The machine keeps a steady rhythm, which is great, as long as you are breathing steadily. But when you are talking (singing is basically impossible now) those rhythms vary according to the phrases you are speaking.

If I was able to do a reading online I would want ti to be perfect. I just don't think I could do it anymore. For an individual person who understands my situation, it is not that big a deal, but I don't think I would be comfortable on youtube. Sorry. Besides i know NOTHING about video editing.

Thank you for being interested though. It really made me feel special. I just realized that would make me "special Ed" rofl! (Man, am I glad none of the kids back in school ever thought of that! lol)

Fusainne's avatar
FusainneHobbyist Artisan Crafter

Aw, I'm sorry, I didn't know :( I can understand how that would make reading aloud difficult, if not impossible, for you.

However, it raises the thought - and I hope you don't take this as me being insensitive, I'm just a very curious person - if the machine dictates the rhythm at which you breathe, could you take that rhythm and make a poem that flows at the same rhythm? It seems like an interesting concept to me...not necessarily you reading it aloud, I get you're not comfortable doing that, but still.

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

You are not being insensitive. I don't mind curiosity in small doses. It is when it is a constant barrage, like at hospitals that it gets old. Maybe I could, but I think it would be awkward. I can go off the machine and just hook up to oxygen but I usually end up getting really dried out. Maybe someday I will be bold enough to do a reading. If I knew people would be interested, I would be more tempted. I suppose I could go on discord and do a live reading, but I am scared to mess it up and end up having a coughing fit. Thanks for showing interest though. It meant a lot to me. 🐸🤗💖

Bobibillius's avatar

A collection of this kind of thing, poetry along side art, would be really cool.

Barosus's avatar
Barosus Writer

That was exactly my thought as well. In fact i have written several ekphrastic poems based off of pieces of art. I have always thought it would be wonderful to be able to show off those types of poems together with the art that inspired them.

In the past, all I have done is provide links to those pieces of art. I probably would have been too nervous to ask KremenaChipilova to do something like this if she hadn't loved the poem as much as she did. I am truly thrilled she allowed me to display it this way.

I hope this will get her some more exposure too.

anonymous's avatar
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