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A Kobold Kristmas Karol

By Barosus
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33 Comments
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Kobold Cook by Srikanth Pathapalli from www.kindpng.com

www.kindpng.com/imgv/ibioixm_c…

 
Décor and Gnome head by ArtJane from Pixabay 


This Parody of the old Perry Como version of "No Place Like Home for the Holidays"
Will make much more sense to anyone who has played D&D
In a nutshell, kobolds and gnomes despise each other
It is a racial feud that started back in the beginning of both races
The god of the gnomes collapsed a cave on top of the god of the kobolds
The little buggers still worship the "buried god"
And are determined to find his location and dig him out someday
It will be a dark day for gnomes if that ever happens

I have been singing the chorus of the song this way for years
I decided this year I would do the entire song finally and post it.

In case the lyrics are hard to see I will post  them here as well
Christmas Dance ~~~~~~~~~~Christmas Dance 

Oh, there's no taste like gnome under hollandaise
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for a treat that suits koboldish tastes
Under hollandaise you can’t beat roasted gnome

I met a young kobold of fantasy, and he was huntin' for
A tender gnome to bake into a bumpkin pie
From all over, they come travellin'
Hoping for some gnomes to score
Oh, kobolds don’t act beatific
‘Cause gnome meat tastes terrific!

Oh, there's no taste like gnome under hollandaise
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
For kobolds to be happy in a million ways
Under hollandaise you can’t beat roasted gnome

Oh, there's no taste like gnome under hollandaise

When you pine for a treat that suits koboldish tastes

I met a young kobold of fantasy, and he was huntin' for
A tender gnome to bake into a bumpkin pie
From all over, they come travellin'
Hoping for some gnomes to score
Oh, kobolds don’t act beatific
‘Cause gnome meat tastes terrific!

Oh, there's no taste like gnome under hollandaise
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
If you want to be happy in a million ways
Under hollandaise you can't beat gnome, sweet gnome!

Under hollandaise you can't beat gnome, sweet gnome!


In case anyone wants to sing along with the parodied lyrics, the original song is here:
Santa Meets Gnome  youtu.be/cYSczTW_jH4Santa Meets Gnome  

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© 2020 - 2021 Barosus
Comments33
anonymous's avatar
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MensjeDeZeemeermin's avatar

Pointed and meaty, gruesome and toothsome. Comestible, digestible. Quite in accordance with my tastes.

Barosus's avatar

Thanks for the hilariously accurate comment. I am truly glad you enjoyed it. ^_^

missnayuh's avatar

This is hilarious. And I feel so bad for the gnomes in question.

Barosus's avatar

I'm glad you liked it. I have actually been singing the chorus that way on my own for years, but I finally decided to do up the whole thing. ^_^

jecoil's avatar

Reminds me of a cartoon I once saw in the back of a Dragon magazine (yes I'm that old), except that is was a cyclops singing "There's no race like gnome for the hollandaise".

Barosus's avatar

Aww crud! I wasn't the first to think of it.


It makes more sense for kobolds though, given the intense rivalry between them and gnomes. I LOVED Dragon magazine. Back then I was dirt poor and couldn't afford to buy it but my cousin Eric had a subscription. I remember playing D&D before they even had polyhedral dice. I remember modules that included sheets with numbers ion them that you had to cut up into chits of paper with numbers on them. The DM would put them in paper cups, shake them up and draw a number out. Fortunately dice became widespread shortly thereafter.


So yeah, I am that old too. I think the first year I ever played was 1979. It was a few years till I played again, but then i was hooked. I will admit though that I read Dragon magazine more just to look at the amazing art and read the comics. Who knows maybe that cyclops has been lying dormant in my subconscious all these years since then and I just didn't remember.


Ancient gamers of the world unite. LOL

jecoil's avatar

:D


It does work better with kobolds. I can see a family of kobolds gathered around their roasted holiday gnome, while a cyclops would probably just deep-fry their gnomes and dip them in honey-mustard.


You have a few years seniority. I don't remember the chits, but I do remember the infamous white crayon that came in every boxed game. I started playing around '82 when I was in jr high. Me and my friends played at school, during lunch and math class. Ah, those were the days.

Barosus's avatar

I think we are probably practically the same age then. I just wasn't in junior high yet the first time I played. I think I was only 4th grade. I was also in junior high in 82 & 83. My high school graduating class was 87, born back in February 1969. We are like a year or two apart at best. I was the DM dragging D&D books with my to school every day and leading the rpg at lunch and study hall in junior high.


I had actually forgotten about the white crayon though! LOL Probably because I was too poor to buy modules. I just made up my own dungeons. I think I have found a kindred spirit!


And yes, that was very much the mental image I was thinking of; all the hungry little kobold hatchlings waiting at the communal feast for the succulent "roast beast" to be done. Stick an apple in its mouth and cook it slowly over an open fire on a spit, singing festive carols. LOL

GingerFloof26's avatar

Very clever, definitely gave me a chuckle. Kobolds were the first D&D race that I was ever introduced to and they hold a special place in my heart <3

Barosus's avatar

Yip! Yip! Hooray! LOL Thank you!

Bubblegumdove's avatar

Everyone who's played a Kobold: cheers.

Everyone who's played a Gnome: nervous sweating. ^^;

Barosus's avatar

Of course everyone who has played either race will look at the picture and immediately complain that the sizes are backwards, since kobolds are so freaking tiny. But, considering kobolds also have a bit of a complex about being so small, and the carol is from their point of view, I think they would rather enjoy the sight of a giant, gnome eating version of themselves. LOL

LiterarySerenity's avatar

Haha, that's hilarious and really interesting. I've heard of D&D, but I never knew about the conflict between kobolds and gnomes. I love that you've taken their feud and turned it into a song.

Barosus's avatar

The funny thing is I have been singing the chorus that way for years. It was only this year that I decided to do up the whole song. My favorite line is the one about "bumpkin pie" It is very Sweeny Todd. LOL

LiterarySerenity's avatar
FeynaSkydancer's avatar

Hehe! But while the kobolds are singing that...the gnomes in their homes are are singing:


How about a kobold stew?

Carrots bunch and a batch of peas

A cup of wine to kill the fleas,

Mash mine up if you don't mind please,

my teeth are loose

How about a kobold moose?


:D


(FYI this song is from the short animated movie Faeries based off of Brian Froud's artwork from his book Faeries)

Barosus's avatar

THEY MADE FAERIES INTO A MOVIE!!!!!! I adore Froud's work! Of course you could say The Spiderwick Chronicles is a Froud movie (which I ADORE) But why have I never heard of that other one? I am going to HAVE TO find it! That comment gets a feature for sure!


You actually read my mind though. I was thinking of doing a gnome version. The hatred goes both ways. I don't think the gnomes would EAT the kobolds, but they definitely want them dead. (which is kind of messed up since they are the ones that started the feud). At this point though I don't know if I am going to make it in time.

FeynaSkydancer's avatar

You can watch the movie on YT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex87hxuz_uk that's how I found out about it. :)


Back to kobolds, I wonder if they're the real culprit of stealing garden gnomes out of people's yards. ;P

Barosus's avatar

LazyIcon I wanna use - 26 O_O Saaaaay, you might be on to something! LOL

SongoftheBlackWolf's avatar

I can't stop laughing!!!!!

Barosus's avatar

Awesome! I am so glad someone shares my twisted sense of humor! 🤗💙💙


Here. Have a drumstick. "It's finger-lickin' good!" LOL

BrendaCarriere's avatar

:D


Where would the kobolds be if they didn't have you to think of them? Truly you serve the community... gnome in hollandaise.


And I'm happy to learn that kobolds like to go Dutch.


/me wanders off with a big smile on her face

Barosus's avatar

What is funny about the difference between the kobolds of D&D and other fantasy RPGs is that in the actually real world folklore a kobold is a lot LIKE a gnome. The RPG types would be aghast by the mere suggestion. LOL


Kobold chef - "But. Yes. Yes! All for the community! YIP! Hail the dragon blood! We are the hearts of fire! Yippidy yip yip!" (scratches a patch of flaking scales distractedly) "Now, please excuse me while I go build another trap (devilish gleam in his eyes) in my bedroom. Yeah, yeah! In my bedroom! Hehehe. Yip! Dragons." (singing softly to himself as he turns to leave) "Gnome nuts roasted over an open fire. Yip, yipyak. Baste them once for me...


The squeaky voice trails off down the tunnel followed by the sounds of many small scurrying feet... and much yipping. After all, kobolds never go anywhere alone.Ridley roar emoticon

BrendaCarriere's avatar

You do that tone of voice so well

anonymous's avatar
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