Listening to: G.A.T.E. Opening theme
Cold hit me hard. I wont go into detail... but it was really bad. Like the worst I've ever had, actually...
But by tomorrow evening I should be completely fine.
Anyway, That aside.... To absolutely no one's sh-Actually, incidentally, a few friends have been encouraging me not to give up on her, but lets be real here: its MY life, and one of MY relationships. Of COURSE it went to shit immediately.
Maybe thats over exaggerating... But long story short, shes MIA, and the arrogant fuck thats responsible for all the stress in the D&D group went right back to pretending nothing happened. Conveniently, he also keeps mysteriously missing every session I'm apart of. Y'know, as cowards do.
Anyway.. a handful of people were trying to assure me that maybe I was jumping the gun assuming its over. But like I said, lets be real here. Nothing in my life ever goes right unless I can punch it to death. This isn't a case I can punch to death.
I know I know, you're probably thinking I'm just overly cynical. Haha, I wish I could say that I was, but its such a repeat occurrence, that I just expect it now, and life never fails to disappoint. The bright side is, 'cos of this running gag that I must perpetually have shithole relationships, I've also become incredibly resilient to emotional pain and trauma. So, at least I'm only generally cynical about it, instead of on a full blown rampage like I was at 15. Instead, I just feel like spitting on a piece of paper and mailing it to her. I'm not going to do that tho'. Mostly 'cos its gross...
That about wraps that up. Nothin' new, aside from me getting sick really badly. Oh, and uh, I guess gaming stuff..
So unrelated to anything above, I've gotten back into one of my favorite MMO's, Mabinogi.
Unfortunately, I've also continued the habit of abhorring all interaction with the community... which, to be fair, look at the above situation. I have uncannily bad luck with people.. so.. it isn't ENTIRELY for no reason.
Anyway, more to the point, I've run into a few things I can't just blast to death, unfortunately. Specifically, a new raid boss surfaced in the 4 or so years I was absent from the game, which is entirely engineered to force team work between at least 3 people in order to make optimal use of the new powers introduced into the game. So.. while my damage output is impressive, and my survivability is incredibly high, I can't finish the beast off by myself, because there needs to be at least 2 of me, 3 of me would be great. Problem being, there is only one of me, and I can't bypass the boss's flat 60% damage reduction against ALL abilities, even those of Demigods. So, they've been engineering the game lately to get away from Demigods being able to solo things, and on the one hand I can't really be mad about it, on the other, I absolutely am.
Reasons I can't be mad, its an MMO. Team work is expected, why else make a multiplayer game as the main selling point??
Reasons I AM mad: I hate other players. So much. So... God... Damn.. Much.
The arrogance, the entitlement, how fucking self centered they are and narcissistic... I fucking despise other players. Back when I fought the Black Dragon raid, at one point, I outright carried the entire raid on my back, even though there were at least 8 other demigods in the battle, they all died almost immediately after transforming, and I had to hold the entire raid's aggro so they could pick themselves back up and reassemble the entire unit. Thats the Black Dragon itself, and maybe 30 of its minions at a time. You know what ranking I got in the reward list? 16th. Out of some 40 people there, I guess thats decent. But really?.. had I not been there at that moment, the whole raid would have wiped, and I get 16th? Clearly not worth working with other people. (how did I turn out to be a tank anyway? I'm a fucking wizard...)
And the other dragon battle, against the Red Dragon. me and three other people took the thing down, but when it dropped to 10% of its HP, suddenly 30 or so people showed up to help and started demanding rewards. I showed up, purely because I knew that some one else was fighting it and having a hard time... I didn't even think about a reward, I just saw some one struggling and didn't hesitate to help.
Eh.. but I digress.. point being, most of the community I run into, are those people who show up at 10% of the raid boss's HP, and think they're great and deserve something for showing up at the ass-end of a fight. So I'm absolutely filled with resentment when I'm told "You HAVE to work with these shitballs of people, or you can't advance."
I'm going to be carrying them the entire fucking time, but I'm REQUIRED to drag them along? I literally just need bodies to fill slots? Why wouldn't corpses do? it'd be the same damn thing, with half the annoyance.
And thats where I'm at right now. Acknowledging that I will be forced to let some one else ride my coattails to success, because the rules demand it. And I fucking resent it, because its MY hard work. No one fucking helped me. Thats the frigging point!! thats WHY I'm as strong as I am, 'cos out of spite, I got better when everyone decided it'd be funny to abandon me!
Hell, the whole reason I started playing in the first place, was 'cos a friend asked me to, 'cos she was having trouble 'cos her and her companion kept dying. Then they ditched me too.
You see, its this running theme in my life: I'm not allowed to have help. They either die, abandon me or disappear without a trace. Hell, one 'friend' FREQUENTLY tries to ditch me in the middle of difficult sections of a game, just to see if I'll survive or not. Granted, Dekw does similar, but it isn't on purpose.... he just.... dies alot <_<; some how..
Look.. I'm just... frustrated that in ten years, I've gotten better, but my life hasn't. Hell, longer than that, its been like this since I was little. Thats why I stopped watching anime. You know how it goes, protagonist typically has a circle of friends backing him the whole way, or gets a circle of friends that then back him the whole way. GENERALLY (excluding things like, I presume, Berserk.) thats what happens. All that did was make it hurt more when I had to wake up every day to acknowledge that literally everyone I passed that day was going to try to figure out how to stab me in the back as soon as they could. And I wasn't wrong. They tried. Oh boy did they try... they never stopped trying until we were separated by graduation.
Watching anime made being strong, incredibly painful. 'Cos while I had anime-esque levels of strength, stamina and determination, what I DIDNT have was, yep, you guessed it, a crew of friends!
And I'm still generally filled with resentment and longing when I watch it, even today. I've been sick of being forced to stand on my own, pretty much ever since I started having to, which is fucking forever ago. All of my ENEMIES had hordes of unwaveringly loyal followers that were more than glad to throw themselves at me to get mowed down in droves. And I wasn't allowed to even have a single fucking friend through all that shit. 'Cos as fate would have it, when I DID make a friend, they moved away. EVERY time. Literally every time. Last year is the first time I've made friends that don't SEEM to be waiting to stab me in the back (Hah, psyche, Ryan most definitely tried! and gee wiz, that dead relationship is doubtless his fucking doing, so kudos, yet another snake hiding in the grass waiting to strike!) And for the first time, they're not only months away from moving across the fucking country or some such so that I'll never see them again.
Ugh... I'm too tired for this shit. Especially 'cos of the infinite amount of people who keep trying to argue with me and say "Oh, well its not that bad" or "you're exaggerating!" Or my personal favorite, "You think YOU have it bad?"
Bitch, I didn't tell you I'm upset so that you could add to the pile, but if you insist, I'll gladly step on you too, right along with my enemies. Then I'll be happy to add you to the pile... of their fucking smoldering corpses. 'Cos thats where you're going with this. Thats how this fucking works now, Got it?
Anyway I actually do need to rest in time for work.. I'm just idly venting at this point..
Still isn't going to change anything. I'd like to stop playing life on Lunatic difficulty tho'.