Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
About Deviant BaratusUnited States Recent Activity
Deviant for 12 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 1,372 Deviations 15,368 Comments 25,898 Pageviews
×
Naturally, like anyone else, I forget things. It just happens, we all know what its like.
I don't know if other people remember things tho', in sudden and excruciating detail. No one really describes how it feels to remember, to me... so I am a little curious how it is for other people. Probably depends on the memory, but frequently, for me... when one memory comes back, it floods back with thousands... and I hit the fucking jack pot, mere moments ago.

I remember now. My hate. 
So much of it. So much anger. I remember now, the various gates blocking it from welling over and consuming me.. I remember what caused them all to shatter, despite my best efforts to hold it in. Now I can remember, CLEARLY, why I went on such an endless rampage for so long. Its all coming back, and from something as innocent as a card game no less. The card game didn't cause it... but the memories were linked to it, and lost, when I abandoned all of the things relating to it. I had been collecting bits and pieces of my own memories for some time now, perplexed at so much, not able to understand many aspects of myself, like it was another lifetime ago, and now I have the final pieces, and it hurts. Alot. And it makes me so fucking angry. 

Now I know. Now I can feel it again. Suddenly, past me being so fucking furious, doesn't feel so alien, because I Forgot so much. I never thought I could forget those things, but I guess on some level, part of me wanted to forget. Why would I want to remember so much anger? it was immensely painful.

Well now I do remember. It felt like a part of me that was missing, just came back. 

My blood feels like its boiling...

Activity


Naturally, like anyone else, I forget things. It just happens, we all know what its like.
I don't know if other people remember things tho', in sudden and excruciating detail. No one really describes how it feels to remember, to me... so I am a little curious how it is for other people. Probably depends on the memory, but frequently, for me... when one memory comes back, it floods back with thousands... and I hit the fucking jack pot, mere moments ago.

I remember now. My hate. 
So much of it. So much anger. I remember now, the various gates blocking it from welling over and consuming me.. I remember what caused them all to shatter, despite my best efforts to hold it in. Now I can remember, CLEARLY, why I went on such an endless rampage for so long. Its all coming back, and from something as innocent as a card game no less. The card game didn't cause it... but the memories were linked to it, and lost, when I abandoned all of the things relating to it. I had been collecting bits and pieces of my own memories for some time now, perplexed at so much, not able to understand many aspects of myself, like it was another lifetime ago, and now I have the final pieces, and it hurts. Alot. And it makes me so fucking angry. 

Now I know. Now I can feel it again. Suddenly, past me being so fucking furious, doesn't feel so alien, because I Forgot so much. I never thought I could forget those things, but I guess on some level, part of me wanted to forget. Why would I want to remember so much anger? it was immensely painful.

Well now I do remember. It felt like a part of me that was missing, just came back. 

My blood feels like its boiling...
I keep saying that I'm going to eventually finish writing those stories I started. The ones sitting there collecting digital dust in my gallery. The ones I actually have pretty much entirely planned out in their overall big picture... I just need to put filler detail in, and color inside the lines now that the frame is done (I like how I put that). I keep saying to myself, how... I'll just sit down and type 'em out. Post the shit out of all the rest of that, 'cos its already done, I have them all memorized..... I just... haven't put them up yet.
I keep saying that theres going to be a better day. That theres going to be a day I'll feel up to doing that, instead of every word finished feeling like I'm just handing yet another person a loaded gun to shoot me with. 

I feel that...... I'm starting to realize... or, hopefully more accurately.. I'm starting to believe (and am wrong I hope) that there is NEVER going to be a better day. That as time goes on, things are only ever going to get worse, in ways that I just can't imagine, simply because I now have the fortitude to withstand these things happening. Like a game that scales by level, with you. The badguys get badder as you get tougher, and instead of easier, the people standing next to you that don't level up as fast?... just get rolled. And theres nothing you can do. 
'Cos thats whats happening. I keep getting hurt, but it has less and less impact on me, but the things around me keep getting more and more fucked up. Stress is literally killing one of the nicest people I know, and there is nothing I can do for her. That alone has a shit ton of really bad connections that will absolutely go to shit if she dies. Life keeps finding unique and fucked up ways to attack me, without attacking me directly. Used to be people would physically beat me when I was small and unable to defend myself. I'd get hurt by angry animals, etc. Physical things. Now that I'm physically capable of warding off anything short of a bear, (my friends wouldn't believe me if I said I lost a fight to a bear. They'd come up with some creative retort as to why and how the bear clearly was destroyed by me...) nothing has the nerve to physically assault me.

Well, people used to also abuse my emotions and take advantage of my kindness. People would make me feel like I needed them to live, regularly implying that I had diminished value to them to make me desperate to earn their favor and manipulating me. Now that I've learned to become detached immediately from my emotions and turn that kind of thing back on the person, people just immediately escape the very instant that they step out of line. 

I was born with a warped joint in my leg. But apparently, therapy I don't remember, due to my young age, and my own physical training, have overcome this completely. I rarely ever get sick, and when I do, it lasts only for a very short duration, hardly slowing me down in the process. 

But I keep coming back to this problem... where the people around me, are not so resilient. Especially not the ones I care about. 

So I guess if it can't hurt me, life will just deny me anything and everything outside of me. 

Well... thats partially successful. I have anxiety, after all. My first attempt to overcome it, nearly gave me an ACTUAL heart attack. Then I managed to mostly overcome it anyway.. through sheer fucking force of will. Which doesn't matter anyway, because I guess I'm just inherently unlikable. Though, it provides no small comfort to be told by the few and far between people that DO tend to like me.. that the people who don't, ISN'T me missing out on anything... since they're just assholes anyway.

Honestly, I can't remember where I was going with this all. I was building up to saying something... but I'm far too worn out just from today.. My emotions kind of shut off when I found out my friend's heart condition.. which, if you've for some reason kept up on my life, you should know means that I've been severely wounded emotionally when that happens. Its catching up with me now, and I'm a mix of anger and sadness, but mostly anger.... so much anger...
Shes a really wonderful woman, and that sonuvabitch is slowly killing her, and can't be bothered to give a single fuck about anyone but himself and what HE wants.

I'm just... kind of a mess, 'cos my emotions have run into each other, and its exhausting having them all at once in insane bursts, and then having them just all wear off at once too. 
I'll recover fast, of course, I always do. Its just...
I was already feeling like I had no where to turn. No one to tell. 'Swhy I'm here just blindly typing into a journal and emptying my thoughts.... I'm actually even some what glad that its to a phantom audience.. 'cos I have always hated that I never have good news. I've outright resented that I'm still alive, for many reasons, but one of the reasons thats still there, is a compounded one:
One, I must answer as honestly as possible when I'm asked questions, and two... I almost NEVER have good news, and certainly not SUSTAINED good news. I've always hated being the bearer of bad news.. if never being able to really say anything positive... of being a damper on good spirits, or at least maybe not-miserable days. I've always felt fucking bad because I can't just say "I had a great day!" and list good things that happened. I've always felt like I'm ONLY a source of stress to anyone who talks to me, and I've always hated it... I don't WANT to cause stress to people, especially not the ones I care about.

But, well... there it is. So... I stop telling them whats on my mind. Make myself more scarce... so I can't tell them "No... today wasn't a good day either..."
Just... slowly pull myself away, and hope that they're better when they're not talking to me.

Then I just kinda sit here and hope I have better days, so I final-fucking-ly have something GOOD to report.
And Like I said... I'm realizing.... that isn't going to happen.
I guess if I wanted to put a positive spin on it.... I could say, "Hey, I'm still standing. So, thats good!"

...I suppose... its not a WRONG statement... but.. 
Anyway. I'm tired.. and its not like I have an obligation to the crowd of zero, to keep typing... so.. Yeah.. guess its time to just drop.
Err.... as.. in sleep. I mean.

*sigh* those stories aren't going to finish typing themselves...
But honestly... why finish them?
I haven't got a clue. And one last note: the characters in them are going to be just like me; crippling social weakness, indomitable combat ability. 
I guess thats inaccurate tho'. Hell, I can't count the times my opponent was stronger than me in many ways, and I STILL won. 
But today is not the day to preach about never giving up, or hope... today.. I just need to rest.
More thoughts.
They change with my various moods, which I have less control of than I'd like, but I've learned to capitalize on which one I'm in, using its strengths and weaknesses to the best of my ability. 

I've been trying to think it over lately, a means to find the fire I once knew. I haven't been motivated to do almost anything lately... not like before. I still do things, but they're..... *sigh* so unsatisfying in the long run.. I don't do things with a sense of purpose anymore, theres no definitive goal... I've been trying to figure out something that will drive me forward. I know of a few things that'd motivate me, but I wont be able to get those things, so I can't rely on them. I have to figure out some how, how to draw strength to press forward, purely from within myself... I just don't know how... or where to go.

Its been frustrating me lightly for months now. I don't burn the same way I used to. The motivation is just gone, I won. For fuck's sake, I beat them, all of them, everything that put me down, I beat all of them. I proved I could do it.... so... here I am at the 'Now what?' part. I'm not motivated to try at things anymore, 'cos I already know that if you get me mad enough, I start entirely fucking the odds, in spite of all reason. I guess it kinda sucks the fun out of it in a way.. but what makes it even less fun, is knowing that my enemies will literally never change. Its going to be the exact same person, with a different face. They will be no wiser than the last one, only varying levels of arrogance really distinguish them..  They always react the same, they always go down the same... its always a disappointment, and then they hate me for their inability. Blame me for their shortcomings, learn nothing, then try to jump me with their friends, who then follow the exact same path without fail.

I guess thats why I'm not motivated to do my favorite things anymore. I know how it ends. I don't even have friends to go on the journey with me. So why go?...
*sigh* that isn't helping me get passed this tho'...

Well....
in other news, my D&D group is dying. No one wants to say that, but it is. The two most arrogant mother fuckers I've met in a while, are tearing it apart because their egos are in danger, so they're running like the miserable cowards that they are. They, like so many before them, made the mistake of challenging me, realizing all too late, that its fucking suicide. If they thought they could stop me, they should have done it months ago, now its far too late. The best part is that for once, not everyone is against me, in fact, for fucking once, the general consensus is on MY side. 
Of course, this prompted one of the cowards to try to save face by agreeing with my decisions after the other one wasn't present. Clearly, he is the bigger coward.. so when I execute their characters, I'll kill him first. The whole reason we haven't been playing, is because the loud mouthed one has literally been throwing a temper tantrum for two whole weeks. Two. WHOLE. WEEKS. Over a table top game???! I'd say, "You've gotta be kidding me" but.. honestly, I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, look at what happened with Smash Bros. I gained a reputation with an entire website, because ONE asshole broke up with his girlfriend because he was always mad that he couldn't beat me. 

Ugh, upon re-reading that, I suddenly feel exhausted.. my bad luck knows no equal, I'm sure.. 
Anyway. I have an idea upon that thought: I don't ACTIVELY face my enemies anymore, theres lots of waiting in between battles, which I learned to vent my stress during those periods of calm, but also, when the adrenaline etc wears off, I get sluggish.  Now I know, that I obviously am healthier like that... but if I fill some of those spaces with battles before my rush wears off, I might be more motivated to continue onward. Its a thought at least... I'll look into it.

Oh, and one last thing..... Dofus.
I am now looking for the movie, Book 1, it was titled. Long story short, I stumbled into this setting, multiple times, but it didn't hold my attention. Well, now, after watching the animated series about Kerub, I'm now very interested. As it turns out, I had bookmarked the game quite some time ago, and heard of Wakfu, which is apparently in the same world. Here I stumbled into it again and I now want to finish the story. 
So I will be searching for that as well, whatever it takes.
Top of the list on my mind. Its been bothering me for basically years, actually...
So every now and then, like anyone else, I feel pretty shitty. Sometimes severely shitty, like I want to die kind of shitty. It happens, I've come to accept it as just.. somethin' thats gonna come back once in a while. *shrug* 
I don't tend to tell anyone anymore, either. Anyway thats beside the point.
So, my friends who'm I normally entrust information to, I feel like I can't approach anymore. Because as normal (for me) I feel like my problems aren't legitimate. 
I can't really talk to any of them about being depressed, since, well, one's marriage is going to absolute shit, the other has legitimate depression, and the last one lives in a household of idiots and his legs (last I heard) are legitimately decaying because of nutrition problems. I'm sitting over here.... pretty damn healthy, with only a few injuries (that I can willpower through anyway) and y'know... relatively content? Never been diagnosed with anything except ADHD... ehh.. doesn't mean I don't have other things, tho'...
Anyway.. my point is, I feel like I can't say anything at all anymore, because their problems are just worse. I'd feel like an ass, entirely to even mention that I feel sad. For any reason. I mean my luck with people has ALWAYS been absolute shit, that has never once changed in my life, the friends I've made that I keep, were entirely on accident. Miraculous... amazing accidents... but accidents all the same.

I just... I can't say anything anymore. I mean.. it'd be nice to get things off my chest, but... two of the three don't respond at all anymore (which just makes me anxious, so I stopped talking...) and the last one... I always feel bad I never have GOOD news for 'em when he asks how I am... *sigh*
I wish I could KEEP good news aside from "I'm not dead yet! so thats something!!"
Just so I could.... report for once that I'm well.

Even now, we're apparently being evicted, again... possibly for real this time. Maybe. Kind of. Doesn't really matter, because its the same fucking shit every time with my parents: they immediately declare they only have one option on where to move to, and I promptly remind them thats just as impractical as trying to live in a place we can't afford, because the travel time, travel distance and wear and tear on our vehicles will cost just as much. Not to mention I know what distance has done to my friendships before.. but thats another matter.

Anyway. My point is, I feel trapped and unable to speak, or.... well... relax, now. 'Cos I don't really have an outlet to get things off my mind, without my close friends. It just swims around in my skull all the time... 
So, I feel gloomy in absence of my friends.. 
  • Listening to: G.A.T.E. Opening theme
Cold hit me hard. I wont go into detail... but it was really bad. Like the worst I've ever had, actually...
But by tomorrow evening I should be completely fine. 

Anyway, That aside.... To absolutely no one's sh-Actually, incidentally, a few friends have been encouraging me not to give up on her, but lets be real here: its MY life, and one of MY relationships. Of COURSE it went to shit immediately.

Maybe thats over exaggerating... But long story short, shes MIA, and the arrogant fuck thats responsible for all the stress in the D&D group went right back to pretending nothing happened. Conveniently, he also keeps mysteriously missing every session I'm apart of. Y'know, as cowards do.
Anyway.. a handful of people were trying to assure me that maybe I was jumping the gun assuming its over. But like I said, lets be real here. Nothing in my life ever goes right unless I can punch it to death. This isn't a case I can punch to death. 

I know I know, you're probably thinking I'm just overly cynical. Haha, I wish I could say that I was, but its such a repeat occurrence, that I just expect it now, and life never fails to disappoint. The bright side is, 'cos of this running gag that I must perpetually have shithole relationships, I've also become incredibly resilient to emotional pain and trauma. So, at least I'm only generally cynical about it, instead of on a full blown rampage like I was at 15. Instead, I just feel like spitting on a piece of paper and mailing it to her. I'm not going to do that tho'. Mostly 'cos its gross...

Anyway...
That about wraps that up. Nothin' new, aside from me getting sick really badly. Oh, and uh, I guess gaming stuff..
So unrelated to anything above, I've gotten back into one of my favorite MMO's, Mabinogi. 
Unfortunately, I've also continued the habit of abhorring all interaction with the community... which, to be fair, look at the above situation. I have uncannily bad luck with people.. so.. it isn't ENTIRELY for no reason.
Anyway, more to the point, I've run into a few things I can't just blast to death, unfortunately. Specifically, a new raid boss surfaced in the 4 or so years I was absent from the game, which is entirely engineered to force team work between at least 3 people in order to make optimal use of the new powers introduced into the game. So.. while my damage output is impressive, and my survivability is incredibly high, I can't finish the beast off by myself, because there needs to be at least 2 of me, 3 of me would be great. Problem being, there is only one of me, and I can't bypass the boss's flat 60% damage reduction against ALL abilities, even those of Demigods. So, they've been engineering the game lately to get away from Demigods being able to solo things, and on the one hand I can't really be mad about it, on the other, I absolutely am.

Reasons I can't be mad, its an MMO. Team work is expected, why else make a multiplayer game as the main selling point??
Reasons I AM mad: I hate other players. So much. So... God... Damn.. Much.
The arrogance, the entitlement, how fucking self centered they are and narcissistic... I fucking despise other players. Back when I fought the Black Dragon raid, at one point, I outright carried the entire raid on my back, even though there were at least 8 other demigods in the battle, they all died almost immediately after transforming, and I had to hold the entire raid's aggro so they could pick themselves back up and reassemble the entire unit. Thats the Black Dragon itself, and maybe 30 of its minions at a time. You know what ranking I got in the reward list? 16th. Out of some 40 people there, I guess thats decent. But really?.. had I not been there at that moment, the whole raid would have wiped, and I get 16th? Clearly not worth working with other people. (how did I turn out to be a tank anyway? I'm a fucking wizard...)

And the other dragon battle, against the Red Dragon. me and three other people took the thing down, but when it dropped to 10% of its HP, suddenly 30 or so people showed up to help and started demanding rewards. I showed up, purely because I knew that some one else was fighting it and having a hard time... I didn't even think about a reward, I just saw some one struggling and didn't hesitate to help.

Eh.. but I digress.. point being, most of the community I run into, are those people who show up at 10% of the raid boss's HP, and think they're great and deserve something for showing up at the ass-end of a fight. So I'm absolutely filled with resentment when I'm told "You HAVE to work with these shitballs of people, or you can't advance."
Excuse me?
I'm going to be carrying them the entire fucking time, but I'm REQUIRED to drag them along? I literally just need bodies to fill slots? Why wouldn't corpses do? it'd be the same damn thing, with half the annoyance.
And thats where I'm at right now. Acknowledging that I will be forced to let some one else ride my coattails to success, because the rules demand it. And I fucking resent it, because its MY hard work. No one fucking helped me. Thats the frigging point!! thats WHY I'm as strong as I am, 'cos out of spite, I got better when everyone decided it'd be funny to abandon me!

Hell, the whole reason I started playing in the first place, was 'cos a friend asked me to, 'cos she was having trouble 'cos her and her companion kept dying. Then they ditched me too. 
You see, its this running theme in my life: I'm not allowed to have help. They either die, abandon me or disappear without a trace. Hell, one 'friend' FREQUENTLY tries to ditch me in the middle of difficult sections of a game, just to see if I'll survive or not. Granted, Dekw does similar, but it isn't on purpose.... he just.... dies alot <_<; some how..

*sigh*
Look.. I'm just... frustrated that in ten years, I've gotten better, but my life hasn't. Hell, longer than that, its been like this since I was little. Thats why I stopped watching anime. You know how it goes, protagonist typically has a circle of friends backing him the whole way, or gets a circle of friends that then back him the whole way. GENERALLY (excluding things like, I presume, Berserk.) thats what happens. All that did was make it hurt more when I had to wake up every day to acknowledge that literally everyone I passed that day was going to try to figure out how to stab me in the back as soon as they could. And I wasn't wrong. They tried. Oh boy did they try... they never stopped trying until we were separated by graduation. 
Watching anime made being strong, incredibly painful. 'Cos while I had anime-esque levels of strength, stamina and determination, what I DIDNT have was, yep, you guessed it, a crew of friends!
And I'm still generally filled with resentment and longing when I watch it, even today. I've been sick of being forced to stand on my own, pretty much ever since I started having to, which is fucking forever ago. All of my ENEMIES had hordes of unwaveringly loyal followers that were more than glad to throw themselves at me to get mowed down in droves. And I wasn't allowed to even have a single fucking friend through all that shit. 'Cos as fate would have it, when I DID make a friend, they moved away. EVERY time. Literally every time. Last year is the first time I've made friends that don't SEEM to be waiting to stab me in the back (Hah, psyche, Ryan most definitely tried! and gee wiz, that dead relationship is doubtless his fucking doing, so kudos, yet another snake hiding in the grass waiting to strike!) And for the first time, they're not only months away from moving across the fucking country or some such so that I'll never see them again.

Ugh... I'm too tired for this shit. Especially 'cos of the infinite amount of people who keep trying to argue with me and say "Oh, well its not that bad" or "you're exaggerating!" Or my personal favorite, "You think YOU have it bad?"
Bitch, I didn't tell you I'm upset so that you could add to the pile, but if you insist, I'll gladly step on you too, right along with my enemies. Then I'll be happy to add you to the pile... of their fucking smoldering corpses. 'Cos thats where you're going with this. Thats how this fucking works now, Got it?

Anyway I actually do need to rest in time for work..  I'm just idly venting at this point.. 
Still isn't going to change anything. I'd like to stop playing life on Lunatic difficulty tho'. 

deviantID

Baratus
United States
Favourite photographer: Dont have one
Favourite style of art: dont have one
Favourite cartoon character: Dizzy, Sakuya, Suwako, Youmu,Suika ,<insert 40% of Touhou Cast here> dont care what anyone say
Personal Quote: I dont need luck, just alot of aspirin...
Interests

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconqueshy:
Queshy Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015   Writer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Reply
:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2015
<.<; thank you
Reply
:iconseh-art:
SEH-art Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2015
Thanks for the fave :)
Reply
:iconbaratus:
Baratus Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2015
*nod*
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Student Writer
I hope you're doing alright, and sorry I'm so slow with my replies. Merry Christmas! :iconasnowmanplz:
Reply
Add a Comment: