Drinking: coffee unfortunately
Well, I haven't been around (or available for that matter) enough to convey everything thats gone on since the last detailed journal I wrote. I'll summarize it though.
In short, life decided it was time to do away with the illusion that things were getting better for me. We were evicted from our home, accrued a few debts due to that, fought with several friends, got stabbed in the back by a new one that tried to play with my heart and insinuate she could be my girlfriend, got turned down by one I've had a crush on for 8 years (which wasn't so bad, but it was at the end of a stream of highly unfortunate events, so it still weakened me greatly) was ousted from my D&D group I was starting to get attached to, abandoned by a friend that I thought had my back, spent an entire month going from hotel to hotel (which got progressively worse, as the first one we went to smelled of the stench of urine and blood... the sheets werent even clean and we couldn't identify the red stains all over the floor near the sink.)
got a manager that tried to get me fired and kept cutting my hours at work, (she's been dealt with however) and recently, as mentioned, I've regained a great deal of my memories. Which I formerly thought that it was a ridiculous notion to have repressed memories.
I've always been torn on what direction I wanted to take my emotions. to be honest.... that friend I mentioned, the one I had the crush on for years... she was pretty much the last thing holding me back from deciding to continue what I used to do before. Thinking about what she might think of me if I did, made me feel guilty. Its also why I would refuse to drink, even though I've had dozens of opportunities to consume alcohol. Well... with that done and over with, I don't really feel guilty about being angry anymore. Nor vindictive.
I find that I like drinking to some extent. It takes the edge off. I don't feel absolutely outraged when I've had quite a bit of alcohol, which is nice. So I've started drinking when I can.
Theres a new Smash Bros thats supposed to come out December 7th. I've decided to return to competitive play in my local area at the LEAST, with its release. If you know anything about me from before, this means revenge.
So. Really, I don't have any good news. Its back to business as usual. My revenge. And everything stupid enough to get in the way of that is going to suffer. I feel pretty much dead inside I guess... part of me questions why. I don't really care. I can carry out my vengeance now that there is nothing holding me back..... so rather than take the time to question it, I've just been planning for that. I've begun training again... not that I ever needed it, I was born incredibly strong. But stronger makes for an even more devastating defeat for my enemies.
I do think that I may have some kind of bipolar disorder, or something else psychological that never got addressed. Maybe, I don't know. I probably should see some one about it, but to be honest, unless forced, I never will. I only suspect it, 'cos I will go for several days and feel relatively normal, then abruptly I'll just feel an overwhelming surge of hatred and anger. I brood, I feel bitter, I'm more blunt than usual (which isn't all that different, just that I'll be willing to say the very few things I normally wont say when I feel it'll hurt some one's feelings)
Hmm... I guess dead inside wouldn't be the way to put it. But the pain is numb... Anxiety threatens me, and then is just a dull ache. Sadness is just a dull ache. Even my formerly searing rage is just a dull, semi-warm feeling. I just don't feel much anymore.. but I DO still feel a little bit. It just.. is so faint compared to what I'm used to. Its not even a distraction anymore. I guess this is one of those 'what you are in the dark' moments. I guess what I am, is calculating, relentless, selectively unforgiving and vindictive.
I used to feel guilty, that too has been dulled. But no one else is going to make them pay. So I will.
I've been around long enough and dealt with enough people to know, even if my cause WAS just, it doesn't matter. Some one will try to make me feel bad for it. That too is just a dull shadow of what it was. If some one wants to make me feel bad for anything, they can suffer with the rest. Its that simple..
I guess what I'm saying is, alot of my emotions have just kind of..... withered. So... now I just do what I was trained to do. I don't really have anything else to fall back on... there is no love story here. No real hope, no future. Revenge is all I have left and I don't need to be able to feel to continue that campaign. I'm designed for it already, its as automatic as breathing, or at least incredibly close.
So I guess that is life now. I can still remember things that used to spark emotion. But now I'm just going through the motions because its proper, and I remember that it was important to me at a time. I'm just kind of.... I don't know a word for it. I'm upholding appearances, I suppose.. in case my emotions ever come back, or something brings me to care again, at least portions of my life wont have fallen into complete disrepair. So its something I guess.
Oh. Also, I bought a smart phone. I've already used it to meddle with people's internet multiple times now. To be fair... they didn't know how to use it though. So I helped them.... and humbled them a little.
I don't know why. but I feel strongly compelled to discuss my crushes. So I will... though this is a stupid idea.
So I watch an artist that some how captured my heart some time ago. I've likely touched upon this many times, I don't remember, but knowing me I have. I still feel a vague hint of what I felt.. but I couldn't honestly tell you why. I don't know at all what they look like, or if they're even genuine about anything that they post. I don't mean to criticize, but I recently had brought to my attention, that some people genuinely uphold a specific personality specifically online, and are completely different elsewhere. Unlike myself, where I compulsively convey precisely who I am everywhere I go. So... with that in mind, I can't be sure that they're anything that they say they are.. as people don't seem to be as naive as me. But if nothing else, I've developed a crush on their online persona I guess. Even so, I still couldn't tell you why. Something about them is.....endearing I guess. Though they're heavily depressed. And obviously taken. Even if they weren't, I can't make any moves now. Before when I 'could' have, I never would have, so its a moot point. I guess really, its just something fun to think about. Something that momentarily sparks emotion before fading away. I like their art for much the same reason. Sparks of emotion flicker in the dark when I look at the things they draw...
They usually draw things that are rather disturbing by normal terms. Alot of greyscale, black and red. I'm admittedly still embarrassed to admit who they are. Its painfully obvious, but I still feel compelled not to name them directly. Silly, obsolete habits.... but I'll go through the motions regardless. Anyway. As I mentioned, the things they draw and the things that they say, too... cause flickers of emotion, even on my worst days. I don't always comment, but more so than anyone else, I've commented on their stuff.
It doesn't really matter though. I doubt they at all notice I exist, and even if they do, as I said.. there isn't enough emotion for me to really be able to appreciate even being remembered. The thought still gives me a flicker of warmth though.... it would be nice..
Well. moving on from them.
The one I had the crush on for years... Mm... I think its safe to discuss. I don't believe they come here anymore.
They knew. Though, they never took me seriously. Eh... its.... its a complicated mess, my feelings on her. I tried many times to sever those feelings.. and failed every time.
I can still feel pangs of guilt for the attempts... disgust for when I let my emotions rule me... none of that matters. Now all that is left is regret.
Shes had a mostly positive impact on my life. I wish I could say the same for mine on hers. But I doubt I had any impact at all. In the end, I only feel utterly foolish that I had a crush at all... and that has sort of painted the general feeling I have about all of my crushes in the same tone: its foolish. I don't like to say that I was never on the radar, because it hurts.. but its true. I wasn't, and I knew that too. Its why I kept trying to cut my feelings off, over and over. I couldn't tell you why she captured my heart at all. Even before I got to meet her in person. Shes funny though, and alot of fun to talk to. Nice enough.. cute. I mean... theres alot of things I like about her. It just doesn't add up in my head is all. But I guess if it did, it wouldn't have been emotional. Anyway, she was cute in person, too.
There was also a short span, and a tangent I wont go into, mostly because I'm short on time, where I saw her in a dream, before I met her. I recently read about something that intrigued me on the topic of psychics... but thats just waiting for some one to come along and scream at me that its all bullshit. Even so... I'll discuss that at a later time. Point being, that funny enough, I do believe it was due to the timing in my life, that I was able to discern what she looked like long before I ever met her. But that has passed... I'll touch upon that in another journal.
Anyway. Do I still feel anything for her now?...
A little. I'm also a little jealous. But both are dull and faded feelings... I'm........ actually a little glad. The torment of fighting it was... killing.. me. So its very close to a relief, to finally have the answer 'No'.
Hmm.. the last I'll discuss, since I wont have time to get to Talia, is Joyce.
... I'd like to summarize how I feel about them, with the Magic the Gathering Card, Glare of Heresy. But I'll.... go into detail, instead of doing that.
I had a crush on her for quite a while before everything that happened. Met her at Subway. She was cutsey and overly nice......... which made me sick. But after a while it started to grow on me and I started to feel bad about thinking in the back of my head "man, can you turn down the cheerful crap?" Well, at the time, she was taken. Naturally. Funny enough though, she happened to be long time friends with the people in my D&D group at the time... small world, eh? But when her boyfriend tried to strangle her... well, thats when everything with both her and D&D group, went to complete shit. I fell into that trap as well... I should have known better. Well, I DID know better... but when she started to say that she had feelings for me too, I let my guard down. That was my mistake. I suppose in part, that may be also why my feelings have dulled. So that that weakness wont happen again. At any rate, I believe I already discussed what happened: Ryan and his bullshit, the subsequent betrayal by a part of the D&D group, being removed from the group over a fictional sword as the excuse... etc. I regret not carving a chunk out of their emotions. I stood poised to do so, but I tried to be kind.... I thought we were friends.. I wont make that mistake again.
Perhaps I do have time to mention Talia.
Well, I've been over that one at least a half dozen times now. I still miss her to be honest. Even if I've changed since then.. I would rather avoid her, as its just going to spark old memories and add to the reminder of recent events, that I may as well be cursed. In fact, funny enough, it is very similar to the aforementioned Joyce: I let my guard down, when she claimed to have feelings for me.
So in retrospect... I guess now I don't want to discuss this any further. It seems that my weakness was in fact having people appeal to my emotions... I wanted to believe them, to believe that cursed emptiness was finally over.. I will not make this mistake again.
Hm. I have alot of work to do. That is all for now.