literature

nameless friends

Deviation Actions

Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
September 13, 2021
nameless friends by Backjack-Kitsune
Featured by Barosus
Suggested by DC-26
17 Comments
279K Views

Badge Awards

Literature Text

is it wrong to play a game with the youth that

never wish to grow up? is it wrong to seek the

nameless adults who push and pull, relentlessly

oppressing the ideas and purities of the fragile

children who only desire to play and endure the

everlasting cruelties of growing up with out a

nurturing, loving friend to call their own. We

can never forget, we can never forgive those

empty souls who force a child too age to soon


Losing their everything to the whirlpool that

only the empty vessels know as reality. Yes a

swirling abyss that devours a child's wishes

turning them into the empty shells known as

...adults

Published:
Comments17
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In

I can relate to this post.

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

thank chu for your works

I don't have any works.

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

i meant words lol my mistake lol

Read my recent post on my profile and tell me what you think about it.

LindArtz's avatar

Also, I like the advice @somestrangebirds , offers; except I have to disagree with the suggestion of not using the word "shells" to describe, for reason of being too familiar. Typically I would agree. But I think for this particular work the familiarity is on point, for it describes perfectly the (feeling) of becoming just another 'clone', all similar, one to the other; dreadful, and boring. It's pretty much the essence of the poem. ( in my humble opinion)

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

thank you so much

LindArtz's avatar

Wow, Brav0!!! :clap: Congrats on your much Deserved, DD!!!

For My Personal Use Only

Good to know I'm not the only one that feel this way. Nice work.

somestrangebirds's avatar

Hey! Congratulations on the daily deviation.


If you looked to improve this piece, I'd consider interrogating some of these sentences to be sure they're saying exactly what you want to say, as precisely as possible.


I'd also look to be a little more economical. For example, I think the first strophe might be condensed to its final sentence without losing much:


We

can never forget, we can never forgive those

empty souls who force a child to age to soon


(You have a typo here, by the way: 'to soon' should be 'too soon'.)


The second strophe is a bit more interesting because it starts to construct imagery/figuration around its topic: whirlpool / empty vessels / swirling abyss / empty shells. Now, some of this is a bit vague and overly familiar (e.g., the concept of an 'empty shell' is a bit too familiar and edging towards a cliché) but these are nevertheless images a reader can engage with more imaginatively, I think, than the statements and questions of the prior strophe.


Anyway, congratulations again and I hope this comment is of some use to you.

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

Thank chu so much i will look in to those suggestions

Barosus's avatar

I was just talking to another friend today about a very similar subject. I particularly like how your second stanza exposes the vicious circle that just keeps rolling along and crushing generations in its path.

Backjack-Kitsune's avatar

thank chu so much i'm glad you like my works

Nuke21's avatar

I’m a childish adult with bad jokes. I feel like the banked friend To those who do not like it then our relation has come to an end I liked it

Nuke21's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In