self-healing (vent)

writeup:

i made many mistakes to others and myself and i've been a really self-destructive person to the people around me. and i acknowledge that, so i just decided to take a really long break from the internet. a lot of factors such as my grandparents dying, studies, internet drama and me coming out about unsavoury stuff about myself caused me to leave for a while to make sure i'd be a better person. i've made the work to improve myself so that involved a really uncomfortable process.

depression has been really terrible for someone like myself as i feel bad about myself for not meeting myself or other peoples' standards, and i've tangled my self-worth with appeasing people. it takes a long time to realise that, and i've gone through a lot of meltdowns because i felt i never met other peoples' expectations. i've originally thought my art-block was just an art-block before realising it was me not having the motivation to do anything at all, so i've mostly done things in moderation to avoid feeling the burnout. i contemplated dying because i was scared of dying alone, but i have people around me to help myself overtime.

i like fame but it brings a lot of negativity to someone and i do feel the pressure as an artist to draw as much things as possible to grind, and i've been off dA and weening off most social media for a few months because i realised i needed to put the work. i've apologised to some people about my actions and i've made it that they have reaffirmed their support to me, and my work towards improving as a person has been consistent since april. i'm still obsessed with fame as i felt that i still punish myself for the mistakes i have done, but i've been learning how to feel better about myself and appreciating the connections i have been through, especially with my family and friends as it has brought a close connection to them throughout.

this is pretty much one half of my planned hiatus but my planned return to the platform will be on 21 september. i planned to return on 6/9 but i've decided i need to put more work on myself to fully return to the platform, and i'll upload unreleased art into my account. i promise i'll not start on any drama and to continue focusing on the artwork i do, my studies, and my friendships. i'm 21, so i'm putting myself on the standard on how i should be as a person. consider this a pause on the hiatus just for me to upload this to update my progress, but i'll be mostly absent until september. anyways, adios for a while.