Aya-Lunar

I don't really want anyone to read or respond. Secretly I might cause I say the opposite. Or not. I don't know.

I do know I need to do something. Instead of keeping it inside.
I need to let things go, and let things get out. But I think what is even the point of it all, this world is fucked, humanity is fucked, our wildlife is fucked the enviorment.. The Earth is fucked. We're killing ourselves. And you can only try and do so much, you won't achieve anything on your own.

But we all are, just fending for ourselves, only caring about ourselves. It's the easiest. It's so absorbing to care for others and other things. 

I need to draw, I need to paint, but I cry and I hate every line on my paper. I did have some ideas but whenever I try to do something with it. I just well up with hate. I hate what I'm trying to do. I just want to create, finished pieces, I create something with the meaning to finish it in to one concrete idea a piece. Finished.

I tried sketching. It makes things worse for me, to just doodle without an end. It's all horrendous.

I need to let frustration out. I need to do it via art. But I can't I'm overflooded. I just want to stay inside, I don't want any responsibilities, I just want to exist I guess, without pressure, without a job. Or friends, just exist and medicate with whatever. Drift along the stream untill death, than our dying world will be another one's problem. I woulden't have to care about anything. It sucks having will to live, but not will do something with it. I can't. I'm very useless, anyone trying to tell me otherwise doesn't know me or is lying. I can only function short periods of time, and even then not to the fullest cause I still don't do the things all normal people would have to do in society. Why can't I just be less emotional less thinking. Why can't I be something else. If I was an animal I'd suffer the horrors we put onto them. I'd find a small spot where they can't go. We're surrounded. We're alone and no one to guide us. Who will guide me?
No one can but I can. And I don't have strenght or will. I have will somethimes. But I'm afraid to do this thing called life, I'm letting it slip away. My childhood seems from another lifetime, my teen years seem like a lifetime away. I feel old. I feel rusted and used. Overused while I've been more like a car in carpark forgotten and no use to start up anymore. I feel so old, while I should be in the prime of my life?

I sleep my life away, I wait it away, waiting for things that will never come, and letting things happen that should not happen. I made so many mistakes but staying inside might just be the biggest one. But going out and living is far scarier. I can't do it forever. There will be a time when I will be forced. 

I wish I could ascend. Go somewhere and live in one blissfull moment forever, thinking it would never end or stop.

People don't throw things in your lap, not everything. Not everything. Not everything..

Where do I go, where do I sit. Do I just.. What do I do?

Nothing fullfills. Nothing. Only dulling the senses with substance.

The thought of conversing with others makes me tired, it makes me sad, it annoys me. It takes all of me to not just stay in bed and never leave.

I have animals to take care off, I've let some down in the past. Never again will I punish an innocent animal life with my incapabilities. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I could just let myself go.

I have that creativity flowing, I want to do so many things but I'm tired, I can't find the strength, to facepaint, bodypaint, photograph things, photograph it. Paint on canvas, on paper. But I cannot begin properly, and I certainly don't know the end.

I won't double check this. No spellcheck, embarressing and all remaining.

I don't want to give love. Please don't confess, don't long for me. Don't want me, don't try to reason or convince me. I don't want soft souls. I'll just destroy soft love. 

Leave me be. Don't pester me with love declaration. Don't add to my pile of worries. Leave me be.

Save me.
Help me.
Forget what I said.