Some years ago, I had a terrible nightmare.
In it, my partner and I had four or five children, and I was pregnant with #5 or #6.
(Having that many kids is its own nightmare.)
Well, WWIII was declared and Aaron got drafted, leaving me in charge of our litter.
Before that dream, I never truly appreciated the struggle women face when they have children in a warzone.
There were bombing raids, and I had to protect my children as best I could. There was little to eat, and I had to feed my children as best I could. There was death and destruction around and I had keep my children alive as best I could.
My best was not good enough for one of them.
Thankfully, the dream fast forwarded through the war years. WWIII was over, our side won I guess, and my house was literally the only one remaining in the neighborhood; the rest had been destroyed during the bombing raids.
Aaron was coming back. I was so happy he'd be home and the children were so excited to see their father again.
He returned to us in an officer's uniform decorated with many worthless medals. He mumbled a greeting to us, but his heart wasn't into it, and his eyes had a distant, haunted look.
The children immediately knew something was wrong. When Aaron's back was turned, the older ones came up to me and asked 'Mom, what's wrong with dad?'
His body came back, but his soul died on the battlefield. Simple as that.
But I smiled and played off the question. I wasn't fooling anyone, including myself.
I wasn't ready to tell them the truth. How could I tell them their father would never come back?
And then I woke up.
From time to time, I think of that nightmare.
I can't let it go because it might be my future.
The world is falling apart.
Fascists are out in daylight and trying to gain clout. They've enjoyed some success.
Climate change is irreversible at this point, and the orange monkey dismantled our already weak EPA so whatever bandaids the EPA applied are going or gone.
The tariffs and trade deals are decimating farmers and blue collar industrialists, i.e. the people who voted for the orange monkey. I thought it would be cathartic to see those fools suffer from their bad choices. It just fills me with dread now, knowing dairy farms and steel mills could go out of business.
Many are saying a depression, one worse than the 2008 crash, is coming. Many predict the depression will happen in this year, in 2018. So many of us are already financially vulnerable. What are we going to do once unemployment goes up?
many problems going on right now, I just can't list them all! Even if I could list them all, I can't talk about all of them because it's far too draining.
And every fucking day, it just gets worse. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY the fucking monkey does something stupid. If it's not the monkey, then it's the fucking crony capitalists. If it's not the monkey or crony capitalists, then it's the fucking fascistic, uneducated troglodytes.
Someone on twitter said she felt like she was in the chapter of the history book before the maps changed. I agree with her wholeheartedly. I've read enough history to know we are in a gathering tempest and that tempest is going to unleash it's fury on us mortals.
I'm terrified of the future. I'm terrified I won't have the medicine to treat my MS or asthma. I'm terrified of the looming economic depression. I'm terrified of what climate change will do.
But I'm terrified my nightmare will come true: WWIII will break out and destroy everything.
The future fills me with nausea and dread. I can't keep talking about this, not right now.