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  1. How long have you been on DeviantArt? 

    Four years!  Wow, time flies. 

  2. What does your username mean?

    It's a made-up word from a made-up language.  It means "infinite creation."

  3. Describe yourself in three words. 

    Playful, paradoxical, dreamer.

  4. Are you left or right handed? 

    Right handed.  Was ambidextrous when I was little, but trained by my teachers to favor my right hand.

  5. What was your first deviation? 

    Knights of Balance by Auridesion

    This wasn't really my first deviation, I'm pretty sure I've removed my very first.  This one is the earliest one to survive me periodically cleaning up my galleries.

  6. What is your favourite type of art to create?  

    Terrible as this might sound, my vanity art (self-portraits).  They help me to see something beautiful in myself, something I've always struggled with.

  7. If you could instantly master a different art style, what would it be? 

    Wow.  Good question.  Hmm, I think I'd really like to focus on mastering my current style of painting (digitally) but feel more comfortable branching out beyond portraits.  Scenes, landscapes, action.  That sort of thing.


  8. What was your first favourite?

      

    I can't be sure that this was truly my first, because I've rearranged/moved things in my favorites so many times, but these were definitely some of the very firsts.


  9. What type of art do you tend to favourite the most? -

    I have a super eclectic tast as far as style goes.  My inner fangirl has a hard time resisting the favorite button on fan art of Fenris (from Dragon Age II).

  10. Who is your all-time favourite deviant artist? 

    agnes-cecile

  11. If you could meet anyone on DeviantArt in person, who would it be? 

    My Sosi, Ambaro <3


  12. How has a fellow deviant impacted your life? 

    I'll admit, I'm not as social on DeviantArt as I would like to be.  Comes with the shyness.  My inner circle of friends — who also happen to be DeviantArtists — have affected me in every way.  Making me a better person, making me believe in myself, and making me love with new eyes every day.


  13. What are your preferred tools to create art? 

    Photoshop CC and Wacom Intous.

  14. What is the most inspirational place for you to create art? 

    Well, I'm confined to my office mostly, because of the computer.  That doesn't make it any less inspirational to me.  It is my refuge, my sanctuary.

  15. What is your favourite DeviantArt memory? 

    All of them.  xD

  • Listening to: Top Twelve Playlist in iTunes (most played songs).
  • Reading: Naughty things.
  • Watching: So much YouTube it isn't funny.
  • Playing: Dragon Age (of course).
  • Drinking: FIJI bottled water (a.k.a. the best water ever).
So, is finally 2012.  I should be more cheerful about it since twelve is my favorite number.  But my life has been thrown upside down, and I don't know how or when it's going to go back to being right side up again.

I've been working on one of my websites a lot recently (when I actually have the time to work on it).  Auridesion.com to be specific.  Most of it's still under construction, but the blog is up and running and that's where I'll be "journaling" for the time being.
  • Listening to: Beauty and the Beast (Broadway Cast)
  • Reading: Inheritance - Christopher Paolini
  • Drinking: Coca-Cola
So, I'm perfectly willing to admit that this journal entry is my passive aggressive way of dealing with my emotions.  "Passive" because writing them down isn't going to do much to make me feel better beyond helping me put words to the chaos of angst and worry on my mind.  "Aggressive" because they are aimed at a specific individual -- though I doubt he'll even notice, much less read, this -- and thus why I'm listening to Tchaikovsky to calm and paradoxically excite my anxiety about it all.  

I love Tchaikovsky -- but I really only appreciate his ballets.  Specifically, I adore what I call the "Trinity of Tchaikovsky"; namely, The Nutcracker, The Sleeping Beauty, and Swan Lake.  The thing I love about his ballets -- and most all ballets, for that matter -- is how the music expresses the emotions of each aspect of the story it is telling us.  Sometimes the music is muted, quiet.  These are the softer, meek emotions.  Until it crescendos into something bold and huge and all consuming.  It can be annoying if you're listening to the music in your car because you have to turn the volume up higher to hear the softer stuff, and then BAM! you're deafened when the mood changes and suddenly you're scrambling to turn the music down again.  I feel like my emotions are doing that to me right now.  Forcing me to turn up the volume and turn it back down every few seconds.  

And I'm ridiculously cold right now.  I live in Texas.  And it's less than forty degrees right now.  Fahrenheit.  I've been conditioned to deal with ninty or a hundred plus degrees of heat.  Cold... I'm not built for it most of the time.  Which seems completely incomprehensible to me.  When I was little, I LOVED the cold.  I loved it when the heat of summer was finally over.  And in Texas, there's usually a small window when it isn't "summer" outside.  But now I resent the cold.  I don't even know when that happened.  But here's another prime example of what I feel right now:  That annoying balancing act.  Again, you're in the car and it's cold outside, so you turn on the heater.  But then you're sweating because the heater makes it stuffy and makes you feel like you can't breathe and that you're suffocating.  So you turn the heater down, only to find yourself too cold again.  I'm cold in my bedroom right now.  I feel like I'm freezing.  I could go jump into bed and get under my covers... but then I'll feel suffocated by my own body heat under my blankets.  I'm stuck in between too much and not enough.  

So now, I'm trying to put it all together in my head.  I'm stuck in the middle between uplifting optimism and defeating pessimism.  I'm trying to put on the brave strong face and pretend that nothing's wrong.  But the longer I wear that mask, the more obvious it becomes that nothing will change if I don't stand up for myself.  But when I do stand up for myself, I only seem to make it worse.  

I think it might really be over this time.  Of course, I tend to over-think everything.  Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of all this than I need to.  Maybe there is some simple explanation eluding me.  

But a simple explanation is not the only thing eluding me.  He's eluding me too.  Avoiding me.  I'm not imagining that.  He's admitted as much to me himself.  He says it's because he figures that if we don't talk we can't fight.  But if we don't talk, then I stay this mess that I am right now.  When we don't talk... I turn up the volume and try to hear the softest utterances in the quiet.  But then when we do... the shouting is deafening, and the only option is to turn the volume down again.  There is never a balance.  

I don't know what to do.  Because I can't stop listening to the song.
  • Listening to: Tchaikovsky
  • Drinking: Coca-Cola
  • Listening to: 3OH!3 and P!nk
  • Reading: Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
  • Watching: Playful Kiss (TV show)
  • Playing: Mass Effect 2
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Coca-Cola
Break-ups suck.