Good afternoon deviantArt,
How long has it been since I had visited this place? Statistics show that I have been an artist on this site for 13 years. Has it really been so long? Have I really grown so old? It would seem so. It is undeniable. I've traveled down many roads and seen many things. I've left worries by the side of the freeway and picked up forgotten stones in return. I have finally fulfilled my childhood wish of being a person silenced by circumstance, where the fantasy of a shattered heart was as breathless as untouched snow. And now that my shoes are worn, I return to a place, once filled with uncertainty, now seemingly placid.
I want to be without worry, a concept that but remained a concept for all of my life. When I graduated from high school, I chose to attend a university that specialized in the arts. It was the only choice at the time that satisfied the circumstances. Art had always been a method of communication for me, whether that be visual, audio, or written. It came effortlessly and without worry. Only when it became an object to satisfy, did it lose life.
In the first semester of university, I attended seminar. My school was divided into two main sections; arts and design. I was in the arts group, climbing towards a Bachelors of Arts. During the seminar, the age old question surfaced from the curious crowd, "What kind of jobs should we expect coming out with a Bachelor of Arts as opposed to a Bachelors of Design?" A colorful list of possibilities came bundled up with the word 'design', meanwhile, the only possibility that slipped from 'art' was 'work at an art gallery'. I made a strategical move that day, I switched to design. I traded freedom for security.
I graduated art school with a quote, "Art is a personal thing for me, when it becomes work, it becomes ruined." I had lost all inspiration to draw. I retreated to other media--writing, singing, roleplaying. I even retreated deep into the bowels of biology. It took two years of anatomy, pharmacology, and the Bristol stool chart for the flame of drawing and painting to show its face. It burned listlessly still until I realized I should have never switched to design.
All those years, how many people have come and gone having seen my art? How many have wanted more? Respect and admiration lost to the wind. I want to apologize. There's not a day that I had taken such things for granted. I want to return as an artist without worry. I want to communicate to all of you again.