I Don't Even Know Anymore

5 min read
AthenaMyth's avatar
By AthenaMyth
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Hey guys,

I know I've been pretty sporatic on here as of late, and even worse at replying to/giving comments to all the amazing stuff that enters my inbox. Truth is, I think I've been trying too hard, for a long time, to keep things the same, and convince others to stay the same too. But that's not how it works and lately I've realised that I don't depend on having that on here anymore. Which is a good thing. dA is no longer my place of safety and familiarity.

I'mma say it again, because its amazing. DA IS NO LONGER MY PLACE OF SAFETY.

I joined HARPG in the midst of a depressive state 6-7 years ago. I had more friends in HARPG than in real life, because in real life I felt I didn't have anyone who actually cared who I was, what I was doing, or what I liked. I could come on here and know that people would only know of what I let them see and they couldn't ditch me for 'better friends' if I just tried to fit in.

Of course, I didn't keep that mentality forever. When I started Uni again, it was my escape from stress, from work. Still very lacking of the school friends, and I had made strong enough friendships on here to feel somewhat grounded and I could be myself and vent to some about boyfriend troubles, or school troubles. I honestly loved harpg as well, it was my way of giving myself subjects and senarios to work on and draw, rather than sit around trying to figure out what exactly I needed to draw. It also pushed me to work on things I hate. Like backgrounds and people. Composition and colour theory. It pushed me to make art a bit more than a hobby, and actually learn what art is. I'm not an expert now, mind you, but I have a much firmer grasp on the understanding of why something is why it is and how to figure it out myself. HARPG made me love drawing again.

Then the whole graduating year and all the crap I was dealing with mentally and physically, I really clung on here, not so much for the art, but just for the grounding, until I found myself stressing on things that were happening on here far more than I should have. So I had a short hiatus, came back when I moved to Denmark and got settled, and prepared to make dA my place of safety in this strange new culture and way of doing things, with no connections to lean on.

Except that really didn't happen.

I can't even tell you all the things I've gone through, dealt with and conquered the past year and a half. But the longer I'm here, the less interested I've been to actually spend time on this site, let alone draw my horses. And I'm sure that it may seem like abandoning everything right now, but I have friends, I have people who care about me here and want to spend time with me and I can't get over that. I'm going places. I'm seeing things. I'm forcing myself to finish this degree simply for the fact that only I care if it contains what my goal in my career is. I'm looking at brand new opportunities and things that I never would have dreamt I could have. There is potential for me here, in every aspect. Even when I'm stressed out of my mind and having panic attacks, its still ok, because I have purpose here.

There are some pretty special people here that I don't want to lose a minute spending time with and talking to. They make me smile and feel so appreciated, even when its something so simple. I'm learning how to depend on others again, rather than try to do everything myself in my life (Which is ironic, because this is Denmark and a Danish woman don't need no help because she is a strong independent woman).

Do I know what's going to happen once I graduate? Do I know where I'm going? No. Nothing is for certain except the fact that the woman who I was even a year ago isn't me any longer. And I'm never going back to being her. I like this me so much better, she is funny, lovable, caring, bold(er) and adventurous. I'm actually looking forward to my uncertain future, because who knows what amazing thing might come my way?

So... What does this long spiel mean?

I don't know. I really don't. I'm not leaving, I'm not staying, I'm somewhere in between. I'm not ready or willing to let go of my stable, I may get inspiration for it once more. But for now, everything is paused. I'll be uploading random art pieces, but I upload them more on my facebook page than here. I've got a couple of projects underway that I will not post here anytime soon, but my art lately has just been short sketches inbetween classes or projects. I still have friends on here that I love dearly, and always keep track of what they're doing, even if I'm not actively commenting on their stuff. They are amazing and I can't abandon them. <3

I guess we'll see what happens.
© 2017 - 2020 AthenaMyth
anonymous's avatar
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Blackwood-Sanctuary's avatar
I'M GLAD YOU'RE GROWING INTO A BETTER PERSON AND GOING OUT AND DOING NEW THINGS. I use DA as a crutch as well, but there's nothing wrong with moving onto newer and better things. I love your art! And I'm glad you're not dropping your stable all together. But I'm glad you're choosing what makes you happy! 
AthenaMyth's avatar

Thank you hun, I really appreciate your support. :heart:
Blackwood-Sanctuary's avatar
AthenaMyth's avatar

(You deserve support too! ;))
lunara12's avatar
I am glad you will still be posting some art even if not much, because i have taken great joy in seeing your amazing art. I hope you find your true happy place and are able to do more art again.
AthenaMyth's avatar
Thank you! I will still be doing art when I have time and the inclination for sure. ^^
PolarisAstrum's avatar
That was a pretty bittersweet read :giggle:

I'm really happy for you though, even if it means I won't see you around as much, what's important is that you're happy <3 (just don't disappear completely or I'll be a very sadpants :c )
AthenaMyth's avatar
It was a pretty bittersweet write to be honest. I didn't even plan it, so it's all from the heart. :giggle:

Thank you lovely. :hug: (I will not disappear completely, I am still going to post art things, just not character things, except maybe once in a blue moon. :heart:)
PolarisAstrum's avatar

Good, good to know :stare:
AthenaMyth's avatar
Unless of course, my thesis kills me first...
PolarisAstrum's avatar
Nope, that is not allowed. I will kill your thesis first.
AthenaMyth's avatar
please do... all of a sudden there is lots of math and statistics I didn't sign up for...

I'm going on holiday in a week so no schoolwork and lots of downtime which I may use to draw.
PolarisAstrum's avatar
Omg how rude of it.

Sounds like an excellent plan! Though resting is necessary as well!
AthenaMyth's avatar
completely unacceptable

Resting is very much needed! I can see Christmas Day being a 'go out and draw' day though. I'll be a bit closer to your neck of the woods actually. (Although that's pretty relative. Still 2 countries away, ha. But 'closer')

Have a merry Christmas if I don't talk to you before then! Hope you take some time to rest as well!
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TheChotta's avatar
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying Denmark! Good luck with uni! :hug: Go be a part of the world! <3
AthenaMyth's avatar
Thank you!

I'm enjoying Europe in general. It's lovely and great to learn how so many other cultures view things.
TheChotta's avatar
Yeah I know the feeling! :D
amour-interdit's avatar
I feel kind of the same way.  I'm not willing to let go of my characters, but being an adult seems to mean less art/down time and more time in the 'real world'.  I'm kind of on a permanent hiatus I guess...
AthenaMyth's avatar
True, but for me this is more of a choice than the realities of adulthood. I've always made time to do harpg things and be on here and be active, even in the busy times. But now I'm choosing to use that time for other things with a more lasting impression, living to the fullest I can. :)
amour-interdit's avatar
Well, I'm glad you're getting to do the things you get to do.  Even if some of the times are hard times.  I just love seeing your photos about Denmark and other places you see.  It all looks so magical!
AthenaMyth's avatar
❤️ Thank you, I'd definitely suggest it to others, as scary as the initial steps are. It's been an adventure that's for sure.

Haha, it definitely can look magical, although admittedly sometimes the photos are carefully chosen so not to alarm people back home about the less pretty areas. But, it's a city and all cities have their good areas and bad areas. My mother loved it, so I guess even those areas have their charm.

Europe is magical... I will be sad to leave it.
EventingNerd's avatar
I'm so happy you're in a good place! I do miss you and your art, but that just means I'm all the more happy when I see your stuff pop up! Love you girl, go conquer the world. 
AthenaMyth's avatar
Thanks hun, it's been a wild ride to get here to be sure, I'm glad too. I do miss you guys and all the fun side of harpg, but I'm hoping my other art forays will keep me a constant here and of course, keep up on how everyone is doing. 

anonymous's avatar
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