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I have been going through some tough times in my personal life and I just found out I have gall bladder stones and that is why I have been sick for the last 3 months.

I will be having my gall bladder removed on Dec 19th, 2013 in Las Vegas at the Las vegas VA Medical Center.

I just wanted to apologize to all my friends and followers and loved ones that I am sorry for not being on dA in a long time and that I miss you all and pray you are all doing well.

I shall be posting photos again when I am feeling better.


AthenaIce  :heart:


I am at a loss for words. I have lost all my true friends by my stupid stupid childish ways. I don't ever think I will learn from my mistakes. I swear I thought I was doing nothing wrong. ANd yet, I was. I am not sure what I am going to do now. I am alone now, with my thoughts in my head. I am alone because I am lost and confused.  I have given up much to be with someone I love and yet, I feel hollow inside.  Like a part of me is missing. I am scared and afraid. I sometimes don't realize what I am saying or doing and then I get into trouble for it. I can't say what is going on in my life. just that I am so confused. I want to apologize to everyone I have hurt. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just want to make everyone happy and I am paying the price.

I am so sad. so depressed. I cant bare anymore sadness in my life. It is tearing me apart. I feel so numb. I am so confused. I have a hard time remembering things. sometimes I cant even remember what happened yesterday let alone a few hours ago.

I am sorry, I don't know when I will be back on deviant art again. so please don't get upset if I don't respond back. it is late and I cant stay awake.


I have been so busy with work, school, soccer, being a mom that I just don't have much time to spend on dA and respond back to everyone. I just want to say thank you for all the FAV's and Comments and just know I really appreciate and love you all for it.!!!!
  • Listening to: lightning outside my window

Sorry but I have not been on dA for a few days now. I have been very busy finding myself. I have posted a few pictures that I thought would cheer me up and my people!!

I love you all. Just bare with me if I don't respond back right away.





  • Listening to: my heart beating
  • Reading: about my life
  • Watching: my bleeding heart
  • Playing: with LIFE
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
Why do I always let my heart get trampled on? I am such a fool. I have noone to blame but myself. I am just a foolish girl at heart, wishing and dreaming for the impossible!!! My heart wants and wants and wants and I give in knowing it will never be. I fool myself into believing the impossible, praying it to be possible and ultimately, I am tricked and betrayed by my own heart.
Why is love so painful? It is so tangilbe, when it is so strong! I can feel my heart sometimes pounding in my chest, yearning to reach out and be loved by another, and yet, it just gets torn out and thrown to the ground and trampled on by my own feet!!
Stupid stupid stupid. I am the fool. It hurts so much! And yet, I have to put my game face on, and smile, and pretend I am fine, and try to be happy, when I am hurting inside!!!
My trampled heart, lying there, barely beating, wanting to give up, but, there is always hope. And I think, hope, is the only thing keeping my heart beating these days.
I have to be the one to pick up the pieces, and put it back together, with superglue!! Because, I know, nothing else will be strong enough, to keep my heart in one piece!!
  • Listening to: Time Travel
  • Watching: Minecraft=XBOX360
  • Drinking: water
1. still work out and get back into shape: I bought a new bike today! I love riding bikes. What a great feeling to have the wind in your face as the pavement goes flying by! Plus, the freedom to go where ever you want and listen to my music blasting in my ears!!!!

2. Get a passport! I can't travel without one! lol

3. Take a motorcycle driving class to get a motorcycle driver's license!! I want to ride motorcycles again!!! It will probably be the death of me!!

4. Still want to get a good camera and take a photography class at college!!!

5. Stay happy, make more friends, learn new things, learn about different cultures, languages, try new foods from different cultures, explore, expand my mind!!!!

I am so inspired by my friend, Evren! He gives me much hope to live again. He puts purpose back into my life! I am so grateful I have met so a wonderful person! No matter the distance, no matter how far in the future you may be, we will always be friends til the end of time!!
Thank you, for everything.
  • Listening to: Radioactive
  • Drinking: water
What is this in my head? I can't get it out, I can't get it to stop, I can't get it to turn off.
It is a constant noise, a constant song, a re-run, over and over and over again.
It is driving me crazy.
I don't know why I torture myself so. I am constantly hopeful, wishful, wanting, needing
And I know I cannot have it, it will never be so. WHY must I do this to myself?
I can't shut my brain off. My heart pounds with an earnest, it is beating so hard, I can feel it pulling out of my chest, yearning to reach something it can never have. It is so physical, it hurts.
I try to go about my day, working, doing normal things, try to keep busy, and yet, it is like a constant hum in the back of my head, I can even see it, subconsciously, it frightens me and yet it frustrates me and makes me so angry. I want it to go away.
I feel jealous, I feel envious, I feel left behind, I feel lonely and I feel such strong desire for Love, to be Loved. I feel cheated.  
I am so trying to describe this delirium inside my brain, inside my head, inside my heart. I need to get it written on paper, to remove it from my body. I don't know any other way to get rid of all of these feelings, except on paper. I need to tell myself, this can never be, will never be.  It just wont happen, it wont work out, it is not possible!!!!!
I am just a silly girl, in an old body, wishing, hoping , praying for something more!!!! I WANT MORE!!
The song is called Radioactive: Night Visions
The song is running around and around and around in my head! I can't turn it off!!!!!!!!
OH God!!! I must be going crazy.
I see you and I desire you, but I know that you are not available to me and I you. I know that what you see is just another female infatuated with your body. Just another number. I keep telling myself, to stop thinking that way, stop wanting him, stop desiring him. I think, even if it would be so, I would be too intimidated to do anything, I would freeze up,, welcome to the New Age, to the New Age, Welcome to the New age, to the new age!!!!!
Ugh!!! All systems go,I'm waking up! I sweat my rust I hate e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g about you!!!
Don't you worry, don't you worry child, see Heaven's got a plan for you!!
I am starting to feel sad inside and I hate it. It is like a demon or shadow sneaking up on me.
  • Drinking: water
I have this gut feeling that I have lost a good friend
because of my actions yesterday.
I can sense it in my heart.
My heart , I can feel a yearning inside,
like something is lost
and I want to reach out and find my friend
and make peace
But I feel like things have changed now.
It is just a sense
a sense of loss, I can feel a difference
in the air, so to speak.
It surrounds me. Almost like a suffocation.

I pray my sense is wrong.
I so want my friend back.
Please be wrong, 6th sense.
  • Listening to: Bar9- Piano Tune
  • Drinking: water
I went outside today looking for an escape
from Life
I believed it would be easier to run away
from what Life was dealing me at that moment

What I discovered
was a breath of fresh air
the wind gently blowing through the pine trees
whispering in my ear
to Breathe.........

So I took in a deep breath of fresh air
and let it out very slowly
and looked up to the sky
I felt something stir inside of me

My heart started to beat again
My mind started to clear the fog away
I could hear again
the beautiful birds singing in the trees
I could see again
the beauty surrounding me
and realized
Life, is worth fighting for
all from a
Breath of fresh air........
  • Listening to: Ben Olmeden Once/Before I Die
  • Reading: My Life Ends now
  • Watching: XMEN
  • Drinking: water
I surrender to Life.
I tried to be kind
to be nice
to be generous
to be respectful
to help others
to give my heart
to give my body
to give my soul
and it return
I get stabbed in the back
knocked down
stomped on
my heart is ripped out and torn apart
my soul shredded and lost into the wind
I surrender
  • Listening to: the silence
  • Reading: My journal
  • Watching: Nothing
1. Lose weight/exercise: for health, self confidence, self esteem, for me.

2. Take time for me: alone time, to relax, meditate, center myself, balance, peace of mind at least once a week.

3. Learn something new: HDR, photography, something I love to do, to be outside with nature, breathe the fresh air, to live again.

4. Need to decide if want to go back to school for RN or change profession. This is pending. Got to decide what I want. This is very difficult decision to make. Time and money. Will I be happy doing this?

5. Travel: I want to see the world, learn a different lanquage, love again.

I want to live again. To breathe again. To experience true love and raw passion. To be loved. To be treated with respect. To stop being afraid and fearful. To stop worrying and to be able to relax!


This is only rough draft for now. I will be editing after I get rest and can think better. LOL
  • Listening to: Yellow by Cold Play/ Silent Lucidity
  • Watching: P.S. I Love You
  • Playing: at Life's game
  • Drinking: Water
My friend
we have shared a lot
between us
in such a short time
we have learned a lot
about each other
and in time
we have become
two souls
that yearn for the same things
to be loved
to be happy
to be Not alone
to be together
in spirit and in soul
to just be
as all people yearn for
and so
our friendship shall endure
for better
for worse
I will be there for you
You will be there for me
we will see it through
Life , as we know it.
My Friend.
  • Listening to: Alternans: Ben Olmeden Once
  • Watching: Deviant Art and FB
  • Drinking: Water
I first met you on Aug 28th 2010 by finding your waterfall/
It caught my eye and I fell in love and didn't even know it at that time. I then seen your profile picture and I just knew that there was something about you that was different and special.
Your smile was infectious. I had to keep stopping back to your profile page and try to look into your eyes, to see your soul.
As time past by, I realized that there was just something about you that kept nagging at me to stay in contact with you through your art work.  I was inspired and kept holding my breath for more of you through your art. You were growing on me and I didn't even realize it at the time.
I am knowing you much better, as we spend time talking with each other, even though there is so many obstacles in our way
and now I find you have become unattainable to me and I you. Unreachable. Impossible to reach, to touch, to feel and yet I feel so much.
Time is against us.
Distance is against us. Life is against us.
You have become my shining star up in the night sky, that I will never be able to reach.
I will never be able to touch you or feel you.
I can only wait for nightfall and look up to you and dream of what could have been. What should I do? What can I say?
You are My shining star in the Northern sky.
So bright and shining so brilliantly. You blind me at times, you are so bright, it brings tears to my eyes.
You say you are lonely and feel abandoned. You say you are sad.  And yet,
You shine down  on so many people, you don't even realize  the light you give to them, the hope and wishes they so need to see.
Your brilliance gives me so much hope and yet,
deep down inside, I am lost. I am confused, I don't know what to do.
When night becomes day and I know I can't see you or hear from you,  I burn with desire and wanting to beg for the night to come.
I know I can't tell you my wishes and desires, of how much I ache for you. My desire for you has become frustrating and confusing.
You say you are a lonely star up in that night sky and yet, you do not see all the other stars surrounding you and giving you their light to keep
you shining so brightly.
You are so special and beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes. You can do so many wonderful things, you are so talented and gifted it is awe inspiring. I find it is becoming too unbearable. I am a nobody and you are somebody special. You have such raw, rare talent it scares me, and yet I want more, and more and more. It has become an addiction to me. I can't go too long without my shining star.
So I except what is and what cannot be and only pray that you see the same and will always be there for me, up in the Heavens, in the night sky, shining down on me and guiding me through the dark as  I will do the same for you.
Oh Shining Star, what do I do? Please don't burn out on me. Please stay as bright as ever and guide me through the night.
The night is beginning to fade away now and I will stay strong, only so I can see you again tomorrow night.
As you sleep on this part of the world and shine so brightly on the other side, I shall wait for you.
I need to see you again and talk with you. You will always be mine.
  • Listening to: Mad World
  • Reading: The Sorceress by Michael Scott
  • Watching: March Madness
  • Drinking: Water
I    would like to apologize for my "Wanting" journal.   I was sad and lost and feeling sorry for myself. I know that I am the only one who can change things in my life and it is only me to take that first step in the direction I want to go. I was having a pity party for myself.
I say, "I want" "I want" and yet I have so much now and don't appreciate it.
I have a friend in Norway who reminded me of how much I really have and how much can be taken for granted. A lot of people have much less and are happy and I have too much and I am sad. How ironic is that?  It is true  I have a home, 3 cars and "stuff" in my home. I am free to own guns in my home and I am free to wear my gun on my hip and go shopping at Walmart or walk down the street without fear of being arrested for owning a gun fully loaded and ready to fire!  I am free to chose what I want to do with my life and yet I whine and cry about it.
 I can do whatever I want if I really put my mind to it. But, I am lazy and a procrastinator and the only person I can blame is myself. I have allowed myself to become overweight and out of shape and yet I blame it on my medications or my hormones or my thyroid.  I say I am going to start working out and eating right and yet I sit in front of the computer after I come home from work and have dinner, instead of working out on my treadmill or riding my bike or just go for a walk.  
Tonight, I came home from work, I ate right, exercised for 30 minutes while listening to music and reading a book, took a shower and now feel so much better and after reading comments from my friends from DA, I felt a need to apology for my selfishness.
So I say, to my friends who will be reading this journal, and you know who you are, I want to thank you for opening my eyes to reality.
thank you and God Bless.
Love Pam
I am at a time in my life that I am thinking to myself, is this it? Is this all there is for me? I am living in a place I am not really happy with and it is the same routine day after day.
I am starving for oxygen. I want to see green again and water and be surrounded by nature. I am tired of seeing brown and dirt and dust. I am stuck in this life I lead and I know that I cannot change it right now. I am not getting any younger and I am not any thinner or prettier like I used to be. I hate what I have become.
I want passion and I yearn for romance and to feel the touch of a MAN who will look into my eyes and see my soul. I want to be passionately kissed, slowly and tenderly and agressively until my lips are swollen and bruised and feel butterflies in my stomach with just a glance from him to me. I miss having the butterflies and feeling pretty and wanted. I want to be able to have my body up against a real man, who desires me, and feel his desire touching me. I want to be able to feel my heart beating rapidly and crazily as does his for me. I want to be caressed and loved and whispered to in my ear and kissed on my neck so softly that it feels like butterflies landing on my neck and tickles me with desire.
I know this will never happen anytime soon, if ever. I am stuck. I can't get out.
I want to travel the world and see as much as I can before I can't physically do it anymore. I want to see Germany again and go exploring the castles and vineyards and run through the Black Forest. I want to explore England and Ireland and Scotland. I want to see the standing stones and be apart of the life in a different world over there.
I see all these photos on DA of England and IReland and Scotland and green meadows and waterfalls and rivers and I dream of being transported there and I don't think I would ever want to come back to where I am now. Yes, I am feeling sad today and that is why I am writing this.
It is the fear of getting older and not being able to stop it and scared I will never leave this place and never be able to make any of my "wants" to become a reality. I am afraid to change "what is" and I am afraid of the "what ifs".
Ok, so I will just say it,........ Oh. Nevermind.  It doesn't really matter,now does it?  I will continue to dream of the places I want to see and the people I want to meet and just go on living my boring old life and will always wonder, "why didn't I do more?"  " Why didn't I just go for it?"  Why was I so afraid to go after my dreams no matter what anyone else thought or had to say about it!"  It is so frustrating !!! Ugh!!!!!!       Time to go home now  :o(
  • Listening to: Just Can't Get Enough by Black Eyed Peas
  • Eating: Raw Almonds
  • Drinking: Water
It has been awhile since I have visited Deviant Art.  My best friend, my confidant, my sanity, my horse: Bentley died unexpectantly on June 4th, 2011. Bentley needed a home and I went to his rescue back in October 2010. I got his hooves trimmed up and he got to run and play in 2 acres of freedom. He gave me the confidence to ride again and because of him, I made new friends and my daughter started riding horses again even after falling off of a horse over a year ago and breaking her back in 4 diffent places. Bentley ws only 5 yrs old and acted like a 2 yr old. He was always getting into trouble and into places he shouldn't be. He was my passion for life again. I looked forward the weekends to go riding with my daughter and friends through the desert and riding under a full moon at midnight!
Bentley, my handsome morgan horse, my everything, suddenly got colic and I had to give the Vet the OK to put hiim to sleep. That was the most horrible decision I have ever had to do. I loved him with my whole heart. My best friend. He is in Horse Heaven now and at least he doesn't have to worry about the darn flies anymore. The Vet bill set us back over 800 dollars and the sad part is, I was so worried about the damn bills! I had to sell 3 of my 4 goats and I still have my Arabian mare, Misty. I always say she is crazy. I had a panick attack trying to trailer her over to my friends house 2 weeks after Bentley died and I broke down crying my eyes out. I did eventually make it to my friends house, but it just wasnt fun for me. Misty is a handfull and very spirited and spoiled. I missed Bentley so very much and felt guilty.
I am trying to spend more time with Misty and she is very photogenic. So I love taking pictures of her and jumping on her back and riding bareback around the block but that is about it. I don't go to my friend's house anymore to go riding. It just isn't the same.
I have been in such a depression ever since. My significant other is still out of work, so financially, I am devastated. We can barely afford to go buy an ice cream cone. I could sell Misty and Elvis but they are my life line. I need them for my sanity. I guess only animal lovers can understand where I am coming from.
I miss you Bentley!!!   :o(
I hate being broke all the time.
I hate doing the same old routine everyday.
I hate working inside of an office everyday and not being able to be outside and be with nature.
I miss the lakes and streams and rivers and maple trees and green grass and running my horse as fast as he can run and not having a care in the world.
I am so sad. I hate it. Is this my life? Will it ever get better?
  • Listening to: 95.1 KNYE-playing in the background.
  • Reading: Voyager by Diana Gabaldon
  • Watching: the computer screen
  • Playing: with life
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
I am thinking how technology is suppose to make life easier and faster for us. Well,,,, I think that technology has made us fatter, lazier, rude, disrespectful, crazier, angrier, more depressed, increased headaches, increased carpal tunnel syndromes, increased neck and back pain, frustrated, more car accidents from texting and talking and not paying attention, loss of short term memory, What was I just complaining about??
LOL. Oh yea, technology, thats right. We have computers and cell phones, I pods, I phones, playstations, Wii, X-Box 360, Ninetendo, DVD's, PSP, etc. etc. etc........We spend more time on the phone talking, texting and we are expected to do more in less time at work.
I wander how many people DON'T have a cell phone? I wander how many people would panick if they forgot their cell phone when they go to work or go for a walk or just plain leave the house for whatever reason it may be? I think that people in general have gotten meaner, angrier, more rude and more hateful in the world. The pressure that is put on us to do more, faster, quicker,hurry hurry hurry. We are spending more time in front of technology than with our family and kids. We text or call than drive over to see family or friends. We have 2 and 3 jobs and even that is not enough. We have 4 TV's or more and DVD's but can't afford health care or vet bills or food to feed our animals or kids.
We complain about getting fatter and yet we do nothing about it. We are eating foods that say fat free, sugar free, low fat, 2%, diet this and diet that but we are not exercising or eating smaller portions or even stepping out of the house but to get into the car and drive to the nearest fast food joint instead of making a home cooked meal and showing your kids how to cook and can foods. We could be showing our kids how to make dough, make bread, make spaghetti and meatballs, bake cookies and casseroles. This is all time well spent with your family, being together, laughing, learning, teaching. Oh darn, I think I am getting off the subject here.
Fast food is even faster and the proportions even BIGGER. WHOA!! I don't want to talk about that. That is another subject all together. I am not complaining, just taking a step back and looking at my childhood and comparing it to today and what my kid is living and doing in this world versus my time and world. Bucky Covington described and sang it perfectly, A DIFFERENT WORLD. It is so true this song. Peace out.
  • Listening to: 95.1 KNYE-playing in the background.
  • Reading: Voyager by Diana Gabaldon
  • Watching: the computer screen
  • Playing: with life
  • Eating: nothing
  • Drinking: water
I am thinking I need to do more in my life. I want to travel and explore and see the world. I want to see Ireland and Scotland and Europe and maybe even Australia. I am afraid I will never be able to save up enough money to do the things i want to do. I am afraid I will live paycheck to paycheck and never leave NV. It is beautiful in NV in a brown, dull, dry kind of way. BUT........I miss the water and the green trees and grass and the streams and creeks and the ponds and the frogs and tadpoles. I miss the maple trees and walking through the woods. I miss picking blueberries and black berries and apples off the trees. I miss running through the corn fields and eating corn on the cob raw , right off the stalk. I miss looking for salamanders under rocks in the creek and making clay animals and setting it out in the sun to dry.
I pray I get to do these things again before I get to be too old or too weak to do them. I pray I move away from NV and find a home I can be happy in. I pray that my daughter will be able to do and see many things in life and be happy.
  • Listening to: 95.1 KNYE
  • Reading: Dragonfly in Amber
  • Eating: All Natural Granola
  • Drinking: water
I am in search of my life. Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? Am I doing all that I can? Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much?
I feel like I am in a rut and I can't get out. It is the same thing everyday. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, feed the animals, watch tv/play on the computer/ family time then go to bed. Is that all there is in life? Time is ticking away and I am not getting any younger. I feel the clock of life ticking away: tick tock tick tock. Am I missing out on life? Is there more I could be doing or seeing? DO I have a higher purpose in life than just being a mom, a nurse, a wife? I just can't help but think there is so much more I can and should be doing but I am stuck.
Stuck financially. Aren't we all you say. I know. Money helps. But I think that determination and belief and hope is important or just as important to get to where you want to be or go in life. But trying to get the energy to do it , to get started.....that is half the battle, right? Or am I missing something? Did I forget something even more important than all that I have mentioned? What? Did someone say, GOD? To have the belief in God and that He will help me and get my through the rut? I wish I could believe, I want to believe in God. It is so hard for me to have faith.
  • Reading: Dragonfly in Amber
  • Drinking: water