I've got demons / running 'round in my head
(Bastille - Send Them Off!)
I don't know if anyone will read this as I was absent for some time. Sorry.
My parents always said I shouldn't post everything on the Internet - but I don't think that what I'm about to tell is something to hide, it's a part of me and a big part of why I kind of abandoned deviantART for some time. And drawing in general. It's not all about explaining, but giving you a way, something, to understand me better. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it's just me feeling better writing about it.
You don't have to read, you can always close this journal if you feel the like to do. Also: Trigger warnings for the mention of mental health related issues.
So, like the lyrics of one of my favorite songs from last year at the beginning of the journal suggest, I'm struggling with some mental problems. I always did, it's part of being an over-thinker and always-worrier and perfectionist, and for some years it started to get worse. I experienced panic attacks, anxiety, meltdowns about all possible stuff, tiredness, tenseness and a lot of more things. I always thought it was normal (at least for me), or because I had something to worry about or stress at school/uni/work etc. But last year the panic attacks and anxiety became more random, happening without any reason at all (at least nothing I could figure out), the tenseness was always there and after feeling tired and without any energy for some weeks I finally went to the doctor, who, after doing some tests on blood etc, recommended me to a neurologist, where I was finally send to a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis for feeling that out of control: Depression.
Of course I knew that a depression was not just "being sad", but I always thought sadness was a part of it. And since sadness was not any of my problems, I really never considered being depressed. But depression is so much more, as my psychiatrist told me.
For me, it seems like I was so often and long under stress (some of it self made), that my brain decreased the production of a nice little hormone called Serotonin, which causes my body to feel stressed without any stress and struggling to relax and getting energy back. Serotonin is amazing, it's not just good for the mood, it also helps the body relax (so it's kind of the opposite part of adrenaline), it is important for muscle contraction and the digestion. Which is why I was always feeling tense (=muscle contraction) and tired (=no relaxiation). Also without Serotonin your body is always in flight mode which causes tiredness and anxiety. And the tenseness could also have caused a lot of my headaches in the past years. I don't know if everything of this is exactly like I wrote, I love biology but sadly was never that good in it that I know every little detail.
So, long story short, I was diagnosed and got medication (because it seems like I'm in this spirale for more than 3 years and now my body needs help to learn that it needs more Serotonin and should produce more, what the medicine is also for). But I'm still struggling.
I have more good days than bad days, but when before everything felt more like a row of okay-ish days, I experience the bad days much worse now, but the good days also much better. At least this is something I have to talk to my psychiatrist in the next time.
My creativity and need to draw/paint was almost gone during the last months, it always felt like I had no energy left for it. That's one of the reasons I was so inactive (the other one is feeling sad and like a failure when everyone was still creating art and you just couldn't do anything at all). Now I'm slowly trying to get back into it, with the help of coloring books (yes, don't laugh, there are nice) and a bit sketching now and then.
So hopefully I will be back in short time, at least a tiny bit. I miss it.
How have you been during the last year? Tell me, I would love to hear from you