I realized today, after a year and a half, that I was growing up and still unsure of who I was.
Being 18, I see many beautiful young ladies; strong, intelligent, brave, kind, graceful and having many other characteristics that I did not consider myself to have.
People around me assume I know who I am but even as a certified adult in most countries I am still building myself in many ways.
At this age, not only is world within my grasp for me to choose where I want to go, but so is who I want to be when I get there. I had a passion to be someone different, and I'm sure everyone else did too at one point.
But with everyone who has ever lived in this world; past, present and future, what is it about me that makes me different?
Who am I?Am I the 'feminine princess' type? The 'chic diva' type? The 'strong and brave' type? Or the 'shy nerdy' type?
I look at women who stand with confidence and passion in their eyes and say to myself 'I wish I was them' but as more and more women pass by, my words contort themselves to the point where I say to myself 'I can't be them'.
I stand, confused and bewildered at all the characteristics I want and everything I want to be. They say it's good to aspire for the best but how can you aspire for 'the best' if you're not even familiar to what 'the best' means to you? How can you tell yourself that you can be so many things at once? How can you deprive your own characteristics and make yourself so susceptible?
How much do you have to hate yourself to want to change who you are completely? How vulnerable do you have to be for you to be everything at once and yet nothing at all? How indifferent do you have to be towards yourself to aspire to be someone and, yet, say to yourself that you cannot be them?
And today, after a year and a half, I realized that I have failed.
Not because I still haven't discovered who I am; I failed because I never realized what it was in those strong, beautiful, independent women that made me wish I was them. It wasn't their brains or their grace or even their looks, It was their confidence and passion.
I failed because I forgot that they were still young and just as confused as I was about who they were in the present and who they wanted to be in the future. I failed because I aspired for every characteristic except for those that made me admire these women and I failed because I said to my self 'I wish I was them'.
I forgot that the best thing I was and could always be, in order to be different, was me.
Even now, as these words flow from my brain, to my hands, through my fingers, to the keyboard that I type on, I realize that I let go of someone special simply because she was different.
I still struggle with finding the right words to say as I type this document but I wanted to see if that special someone that I let go of is still with me.
I want to be me again because no matter how hard the winds may blow from beyond the unknown towards my window, or how strong the sun's rays will be as they light every corner of this earth, or how swiftly the rain will flow into the depths of every field in the world. The only one who can find this special someone is me... Because that special someone is me.
I've let these sentences out in hopes of feeling the emotions, passion and confidence I once felt when I was one with myself.
This is a test; And although I failed because I let the creative side of me go... I'm ready for her to come back now.