literature

Mad Man Steve Ch.1

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ArtCrusade's avatar
By ArtCrusade

Literature Text

Deep, deep into the Black Forest there stands 
what some call a nuthouse, a mad man's land.
An asylum, in a less colloquial sense -
and this one with particularily high fence.

Oh, the denizens are of the worst kind.
They snigger and snicker, out of their mind.
One of those insane men truly is sad.
All he wants is see the world burn.. a tad.

"How unfair," a voice in his mind replies,
"That we cannot watch flames fly to the skies!"
This most special fellow writhed on the floor;
lost in himself, truly mad to the core.

And though his hands were firmly tied
his tongue was not - it spit, it lied!
Through blisters it sang a distorted chant
'bout an insect known as the fire ant:

"Oh sweetheart my fire! - just like an ant 
you cannot feed off scorched earth nor dead plants!
They will learn to know the beast never tame
and those runts will stop badmouthing our name!"

Truly spoken, this madman looked grotesque,
as though he arose from a dadaist's desk.
His head jerked up when he heard a bright bell -
it meant that someone came visit his cell. 

"I wonder, will it be that mean old man
or just an orderly with a spray can?"
Thus mocked the thoughtful voice inside his head
though Steve could not feel anything but dread.

The good guest who was about to arrive
was who jailed him in this miserable life.
The door to his homey den swung open -
revealed the man who knew no emotion.

The residents called him the 'Interloper',
known but for torture, over and over.
He said: "Steve, my friend! How long has it been!"
"Too long," he replied with quite toothy a grin.

"Oh, Steve.. your tongue does not look all that nice,
though I believe the blisters are okay a price -
given that I explained the rules all clear:
torture or be straitjacketed a year?"

Steve, who had different plans for his time,
knew the straitjacket would well ruin his prime;
so he agreed to keep his chance of becoming free -
a momentous decision as he would soon see.
This is the introduction to my Mad Man Steve series and also the introduction to the book Darkness Come which I am working on right now!

- Chapter 2

Revised April 24th '14:  - Worked on wording

Revised May 21st '14: - New structure -> Quatrains! 
Comments28
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Miss-Mutated-Mango's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I noticed in your artist's comment that this was meant to be an introduction into a series, and I must say that you could not have done a better job. Line by line it pulls the reader in, showing them the mind of this lunatic and making them read on to see exactly what happens next.

The part where Steve begins to talk about the fire ants threw me off a little as I had to stop and think about just why he would hate the little critters so much. Does it weigh on the story later? Is it a clear message that I cannot wrap my head around? Or is it just the rambling of a pyromaniac?

I am also very interest in this Interloper character and cannot wait to continue on with this series.
ArtCrusade's avatar
I revised the poem! Care to read it again and share your thoughts? :)
Miss-Mutated-Mango's avatar
The revision was subtle, but it clears up the story immensely. You still kept good flow and didn't add in too much. Good job~
ArtCrusade's avatar
I am glad to hear this! During the next revision, I will try to add internal rhymes as well. :)
Miss-Mutated-Mango's avatar
ArtCrusade's avatar
I will simply thank you for all the three critiques in just one reply. Thanks a lot for taking your time to read the story thoroughly! Mad Man Steve is such a likable creature, I think he's actually coming to life. I will hopefully have more chapters down soon for your enjoyment. :)
dATrade's avatar
Hey,  :aww: This critique has been submitted through dATrade and is currently pending approval by the artist. If you feel that the critique is unfair or to your dissatisfaction, please read through the Critique Guidelines and send us a note within 48 hours to receive a refund of your points.
DarlaK7's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

Wow, okay, this is really interesting. I've never written a critique for a poem, so bear with me. I really like the poem, but it was a little difficult to follow. Maybe it is just me, but the part about fire ants seemed confusing. One thing I noticed was that for the most part you have a good rhythm going, but some parts it just fell a little flat. Like, the syllables didn't match up very well to their rhyming line, and it didn't seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem. Can't think of anything else, but keep writing, I really like your work <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>
ArtCrusade's avatar
Hello again! I revised the narrative to better the rhythm of the first draft. Please tell, is it actually better now?
DarlaK7's avatar
yes, it's more clear now :)
ArtCrusade's avatar
Perfect! Thanks for reading!
DarlaK7's avatar
you're welcome :)
dATrade's avatar
Thanks for your time,  :squee: This critique has been submitted through dATrade and is currently pending approval by the artist. If you feel that the critique is unfair or to your dissatisfaction, please read through the Critique Guidelines and send us a note within 48 hours to receive a refund of your points.
JeffreyRebowlski's avatar
Good pacing and timing delving each word. Really well told story. 
ArtCrusade's avatar
Thank you. :hug: I hope that you will like the other chapters just as much. :)
JeffreyRebowlski's avatar
FalleNREAPz's avatar
Dude this is Great, I want to see the next one.
ArtCrusade's avatar
There are two more chapters ready! You can find them in the description. :)
ArtCrusade's avatar
I will actually revise this again and add internal rhymes at some point. :)
Makes-Wishes's avatar
If it gets better every time, I'm good with that!
ArtCrusade's avatar
I hope it will become better! I have it saved on my computer in case I mess up. :P
Makes-Wishes's avatar
Always good to have a back up.
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