ArtByJenX

Damien Hurlbutt decides that it is getting too hard to pick up women in Kankakee County. Despite his most sincere offers of free movie tickets to the multiplex at which he works, all but one offer has been rejected; the lone acceptor has gone with her boyfriend instead of Damien. Damien takes his efforts to the World Wide Web. “I know what women want” says this self-proclaimed nice guy on his dating profile, under his handle “NiceGuyGoodCatch4UChivalryisDead”. Quoth his profile, “Women need men like me to hold doors open for them, pull out their chairs, and buy all kinds of gifts for them. I am that man. Men li

“Where have you been?” Sybil barked at Linda Stay as she hovered over her desk. “I had trouble driving in this weather and barely made it in. We got a foot of snow overnight and it took me over an hour to drive 25 miles,” Linda nervously explained as she set her purse and keys down on her cubicle desk. “Well, I don’t have four-wheel drive and I made it just fine” snipped Sybil as she berated the beleaguered Linda over her five minute tardiness. “I will mark this as a failure on your bi-weekly production report because attendance needs to be at 100%. You will not qualify for your hourly bonus t

It was a beautiful morning for 31 year old Tyrell Fowler of Kankakee. He was about to start his new job with Credit Recovery Associates (CRASS), LLC, his first “real” job since graduating college ten years ago. He was happy to finally have his own place so he did not have to listen to his mother complaining about him living in her basement and not having a job. He has a history of getting fired over his hostile attitude and his unwillingness to take direction, especially from women. Tyrell chewed eight antacid pills, after pouring them into his mouth like a beer. Tyrell intentionally constipates himself every morning because he h

Classifieds: No matter how long you work, an ad in the classifieds never stops working. 001 LOST AND FOUND: Lost: My mind. Please help! Call Mack at 555-3700. 002 ANNOUNCEMENTS: Wanted: The beast in my dreams...the one that makes them loony! Call the cops at 555-FIND if you find him. You are out there! The little boy who always says hi to me, but never told me your name. Please call the number above. 006 AUCTIONS: Auction at 13 Elm Street. Broken Voltron figures, dead cows, hockey masks and more. 010 WHOLESALE, RETAIL AND WHATEVER: Lifetime supply of Sitagin, Just like the energizer bunny commerical! $40. 333-0000. Money for sale! $