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I don't know why I'm doing this... What's the opposite of getting horny on main? Getting serious on horny?

Look, I admit I'm a weird guy. I think pregnant women and women covered in fur are hot (it's coming, don't worry). However, there are a few rules I abide by that I feel everyone should.

1. No rape, I know this seems hypocritical, but when I wrote it in, the implication was that my character's wolf side gave consent, and the human side could have stepped in if she really wanted to. Its a bizarre Jekyl and Hyde situation

2. No necrophilia/gore, this gets a little weird, considering dulahan anime characters, vampires,  and Sylvanas, but general rule of thumb, if they're dead dead, don't fuck them.

3. Most important... NO GOD DAMNED PEDOPHILIA! I maintain a Tumblr account because they won't let you view the good stuff without logging in anymore, and a blog I recently followed reblogged porn of Kanna Kamui from Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid. Kanna is a child. A kindergartener. The character MUST BE developmentally older than 18 if you want to fetishize them. I say developmentally because I know some perverted asswipe will point out Kanna is a thousand years old. I won't hear any argument to the contrary. You can call it loli or whatever perverted shit you want, but it's still fucking pedophilia.

Anyone who disagrees with me can fuck off. I don't want you as a watcher if you support this shit. And if you try and defend it in the comments, I'll report and block you.

I'm done. Back to writing about sexy wolf women.
Before you even ask, no, fat chicks don't do it for me. Its just when I see a young pretty woman with that bulge, my pants get tight. Just the other day, I realized one of my classmates was pregnant, and I could barely keep ahold myself. She's beautiful, smart, and hard working, I'm tempted to ask her out but she's a mother, so there might be a husband, and what if she's not into interracial relationships? And shes a few years oldrr, so many variables. Is it even worth it, and what if she does say yes, what if our relationshop gors to deep and i become a father! What then
Woman into MLP pony

Warning: Contains descriptions of nudity, transformation, sex, pregnancy, and possible defiling of your cherished ponies.

Melissa hated my little pony. Ever since she had to watch it baby sitting her niece, it was bland and stupid, but, her boy friend had recently gotten into the show, and she loved him, so she kept her mouth shut.

But, one day, he came home with an autographed statue that looked Frankenstein tried to build a chinese dragon. She snapped.


Her boyfriend whimpered, then replied defensively.

"I won it in a contest. Its signed by John De Lancie AND Lauren Faust. Its a solid marble statue, and its worth more than our car!"

He stormed out, leaving the man sized aberration behind.

Melissa groaned. Her boyfriend seemed to wear his heart on his sleeve sometimes. She had no idea WHY he loved the show so much.

She reached for the statue when it burst apart, revealing a flesh and blood version of the monster it portrayed.

"Well, that went better than I had hoped. Word of the wise, never travel dimensions without reading the fine print on the spell"

Melissa couldn't believe her eyes. The crature was real, and it was talking.

"What the hell are you?"

"I am discord! I thought your brony boyfriend would have told you about me."

"I hate the show, I just tune him out."

"Hate the show? But anything with me in it is gold (even this fanfic *wink*)!

"Please, there' no conflict to the show. Everything is solved so easily."

"Please, you wouldn't last a day as a pony. You couldn't even RESIST what ponies resist"

"Like what?"

"All animals go through heat, its only natural. You humans have it easy, you've never felt the raw, unbridled lust of a less evolved animal. In fact, lets say we make a wager."

"What kind of wager?"

"Simple, I turn you into a pony, and you try to resist the urges of instinct. Succeed, and I'll grant you a wish, any wish. Fail, and you'll remain a pony forever."

Poor Melissa had no idea who he was talking to.

"Any wish, eh? Sure, I'll take you up on that."

"Very well! What kind of pony would you like to be? Magical unicorn? Flying pegasus? Not a mundane earth pony, I hope."

"Magic? Flying? If only I could do both!"

"An Alicorn, then. Lady's got taste."


"See you in 24 hours... princess!"


Melissa looked at herself. Still normal. She thought maybe it had all been an illusion, then the first wave hit. She sat down, as her womb and uterus seemed to rupture in pain and pleasure. She felt desire wash over her. She couldn't stop herself, she ripped open her jeans and plunged her hand into her moist tight vagina.

She felt her nipples perk, suddenly so sensitive, she started rubbing them with her other hand. Rubbing, flicking, teasing, doing everything she could. She was coming close to an orgasm when she realized her hands had become hooves! They could no longer perform the jobs she had assigned them, they were just huge pink appendages. She gazed in the mirror, and saw her hair was different colors. She watched in horror and pain as a horn and wings sprouted from her, yet somehow increasing her desire. She stood up only to be forced onto all fours. Pressure built at both ends, as her face pushed outwards into a muzzle, and a tail sprouted from the bottom of her spine. Her arms and legs grew longer, with larfe hooves, and ger wings grew enormous. The final touch was a crystal heart symbol appearng on her... flank.

Melissa couldn't believe what had just happened, but instinct soon took back over, and was desperate to sew her oats.

Her boyfriend then came back in to find her. He stood awestruck. She spoke, amazed to find she still had her voice.

"Steve its me."

"Melissa... what happened?"

"The statue! It came alive, and I may have made a bet with it."

"You look... just like princess cadence."

"Enough with the pony talk, you have to help me, I-

But Steve wasn't listening. He walked up to her and stroked her.

"Melissa, I have a confession to make. The reason I watch Friendship is Magic is because... I'm a... furry."

Melissa should have felt angry, or disgusted, by her senses were overridden.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

Steve jumped on it. He had fallen prey to the magical pheromones of the mate seeking alicorn, and obliged.

He started stroking her pussy, dripping wet. He then stuck his mouth up to it and plunged his tongue in.

Melissa moaned with pleasure, but his human mouth was too small for her horse vagina. She began to imagine a great stallion's member, growing from its sheath.

No sooner had she begged for it than one came bursting from Steve's pants. He touched, finally realizing his wish had come true. He began thrusting it into Melissa with tremondous gusto. His body began to follow suit of his penis as he transformed into a white and blue haired stallion with a purple shield on his flank.

Finally, the tension reached uts breaking point. They both orgasmed and semen spewmed into Melissa's womanhood, filling her up with Steve's equine seed.

Steve climbed off her panting.

"Oh my God, we're both ponies! How will anyone recognize us?"


"Oh, look, I win. Steve Aaron and Melissa Calvin are dead. Say hello to your new selves: Shining Armor and Miamori Cadenza, or Cadence, for short"

"You mean... I'm stuck like this!"

Melissa felt afraid at first, but began to think about it. Was it really so bad?

"Relax, you two will be taking the place of the real cadence and shining armor, who are just as gullible, oh, and by the way, congratulations"

Discord patted Melissa's stomach and teleported them to the crystal empire.

*several months later*

Melissa, now officially cadence awoke. She and Steve had gotten quite ysed to their new forms, but melissa's kept getting a larger stomach. Steve said it probably a pregnancy, but that was impossible. Melissa was barren and births didn't happen on kid shows.

She began to feel immense pain in her womb, pushing down. She screamed. Steve was off doing his duties, so she was all alone.

She pushed hard, another pain hit, she was having CONTRACTIONS! Another push, and she felt a head poke out. She cried as the rest of the filly slowly slid from her womb. Ahe was about to breath a sigh of relief when the second one started to come out. She screamed and cried as it came out.

Two alicorn fillies, two boys, stared at her for a momen5, then nuzzled her nipples. She felt tingling pleasure as they suckled her swollen teets, and decided maybe mlp wasn't so bad after all.
Chapter 4: The Thieves
Gwen and Andrew rode out of the city with high hopes. Andrew used a forward of cash from Gwen to resupply with food and Gwen was digging into a smoked salmon and marveling at her new shoes which better fit her feet's new bone structure. The slowly made their way down the Northern road as the day went on and Gwen told Andrew about her plight. 

"The sleeping sickness" said Andrew gravely, "I've run across it before, if you had had more time, I'd have suggested running here or to the local alchemy shop."
Gwen laughed bitterly, "Gregory was the local alchemy shop, and I was a week away from the nearest alchemist or healer. I did what I had to."
"Ah, to be in love" said Andrew dreamily, "if I had someone who loved me half as much as you love your husband, I'd be the happiest person in all the world." 
The following hours were uneventful, as the sun peaked and began to lower to the west.

Gwen started to feel drowsy in the warm afternoon sun, "How long till we reach the Northern Kingdom?"
"A couple days at least" answered Andrew, "Were I a more accomplished wizard, I could conjure a faster ride, but alas, all I have is this nag I saved from the axe a few years ago. Healed her broken leg. Farmer said a horse that broke its leg once would most certainly do it again. I offered to buy the horse from him, he gave him to me free, saying it was payment for fixing the horse's leg."
**This shall begin to contain graphic content including female transformation, nudity, and masturbation, please do not be offended, this is for entertainment purposes only**
Chapter 3: The Mage
Gwen marveled as she walked up to the city gates. Hollow Moor, she thought, the capital of the southwest kingdom, home to the main population of humans in the entire land. She crossed under the porticullus with caution, seeing the great iron spikes hanging above her. She saw the famous market district, full of shops, bustling with people milling around, shopping for gifts for the harvest celebration. Costumes and decorations hung in the Windows, alchemists advertised disguise potions for that seamless costume. Perfect, she thought, if my changes get out of hand, I'll just say its an alchemists costume potion. She saw some thugs haggling a vendor tending a cart.
"Come on, Blake, who's ever heard of a mage who can't defend himself" the lead thug jeered
"For your information, Jasper" replied the young man, pulling out a silver rod, "White mages are healers, we keep people FROM getting hurt, but that doesn't mean we can't defend ourselves" the mage flicked the wand at the ruffians, hurling them into a pile of crates.
Jasper got up, his face twisted with pure rage, the clear sky began to boil with clouds.and thunder began to shake the ground.
Gwen acted with cat-like reflexes and gave Jasper a kick the crotch followed by a knockout blow to the head.
Guards came running in from all directions, and upon seeing the unconscious Jasper, immediately knew what happened.
As the men carted off the storm mongerer in power restrictor manacles, the mage turned to Gwen "Disaster Elementals" he said, "What're you gonna do"
He held his hand out in gratitude, "I owe you one, name's Andrew Blake, professional healer, or, at least, trying to be" he said bashfully.
Gwen shook his hand, "Gwendolyn Jensen, and your very welcome"
Andrew's eyes flashed, "Your under some kind of spell, yes I've seen this before, nothing this... unique, but I should be able to undo it"
"WHAT!" Gwen cried out, shocked
"I can sense curses and spells, you're under a transformation spell"
Gwen shushed him "Its part of a deal, I can't change back" she whispered
"Oh" the heart broken mage replied, "I had hoped to be your savior, just as you were mine, its not often one gets such... beautiful company"
Gwen turned away, "I'm becoming a monster, I have no beauty"
Andrew gently lifted her chin so she faced him, "You're speaking to a man who has loved werewolves, nymphs and even succubi in his years since becoming a man. I see beauty in all nature"
"I'm married" Gwen said curtly
Andrew sighed, "Of course, they always are. And here I was going to offer you dinner and a drink, and maybe something more, its so lonely, traveling town to town"
Gwen felt her parts tighten at the prospect. After all, they both about the same age, she was still mostly human, and what Gregory didn't know wouldn't- she stopped, what was she thinking! She couldn't just have sex with some random stranger, she was married! But her cravings refused to be ignored.
"Andrew, how about I get us both a room at the inn for tonight" she said
"What? Why?" He asked, confused
"Because I wish to hire your cart to take me to the Northern Forest" she said, "now hurry and take me to the inn!"
Andrew escorted her to the inn, through the crowds, every touch, even through her traveling cloak and thick clothes, sent waves of lust running through her, why hadn't she listened to Maven's warning about her urges, she scolded herself as her eight nipples began to harden and tingle, rubbing against her tight corset, it was unbearable.
They finally got to the local inn, there were still two rooms left, thank the stars. Andrew complained about it costing a hundred gold just for the night, she threw down the gold, grabbed the key, ran into her room, and locked the door.
The brick walls would make sure no one heard what she was about to do, she thought relieved as she ripped off her clothes, shredding them with her claws.
She started fondling her breasts, first her real ones, then the nipples underneath. She raked them gently with her claws, every minor touch sending waves of euphoria through her. Keeping one hand busy with the nipples, she started rubbing her crotch with the other. her bush ran through her fingers as she stroked the entrance to her vagina. Not being able to take the yearning any more, she plunged the hand in,giving into the lust that had felt since first transforming, over a week ago. She rubbed her now taught walls with two fingers feeling tension building. Wetness began to ooze from her vagina, the lubricant making the job that much more easier. Faster and deeper she rubbed, her mind filled with thoughts of sex and men. Finally she couldn't hold it anymore, and came, but she didn't stop. She pinched and twisted her nipples until milk came out, and she came again. She stroked her pussy, now covered in her shame. Her pubic hair had grown into a wild mass. In a moment of curiosity and temptation, she licked her fingers, and after deciding it was safe, leaned in with new dexterity and began pleasuring herself even more using her tongue. She she didn't even pause when her spine began to lengthen, forming a nub just above her posterior.
Gwen awoke the next morning curled up in a ball. She yawned, and picked curly hair from her teeth, the events of last night flooding back to her. She felt absolutely ashamed. She got up, and looked in the mirror, finally able to get a view of what happened to her.
She saw her ears were just like an elf's, except maybe a little higher than normal. Her eyes were beautiful emeralds with slit-like irises, that wasn't too bad. Her teeth retained the same shape except for four of them, her canines, which had grown to the point they almost stuck out. She continued down her body to the new nipples, all hard from the chill of being nude. She continued down to crotch when she fell back in surprise!
Her pubic hairs had been replaces with white fur, which now covered the bottom of her crotch all the way to her belly button, tapering into a little arrow.
She rubbed bum as she got back up and felt a nub just above her crack. She knew immediately it had to be her tail. She noticed it felt more comfortable for her feet if walked on tip toes, as if she were wearing heels. Noticing her shredded clothes on the floor, she grabbed a new set out of her knapsack. And stuffing her tattered clothes in the satchel, was all ready and walked down stairs. She saw Andrew having tea by the window and joined him.
"Ready?" He asked slurping down the last of his cup.
"Yeah" she replied, "sorry about last night, I wasn't exactly myself" she looked around hoping the inn served meats, but all she saw were pastries and fruit.
"But" she added, "Before we go, I'll need two things"
"What" asked Andrew stuffing the last of an eclair into his mouth.
"Some high heel shoes and a large order of fried fish" she chuckled
Chapter 2: The Transformation
They hurried back to Gwen's little cottage as soon as Maven had the elixirs. The went into the little bedroom of the two room cottage. Maven tilted Gregory's head back and poured the cure down his throat as the color already began returning to his pale face.
She turned to Gwen, "Alright, time for your end of the bargain"
They went into the other room and Maven handed Gwen a potion, magic crackled like lightening inside.
"Well, there it is, drink up, and fulfill your promise"
Gwen unplugged the stopper and sniffed it, it stank like normal medicine. She looked at the witch who was now looking at her with growing anticipation. Oh well, thought Gwen, no going back now, and she drank it.
They both waited in silence for something to happen.
The pains started in her stomach, or, somewhere lower, she realized it was her womb, it was changing! She began to moan as the intensity rose. Her finger and toe nails began to grow longer, sharper, and darker, till each one looked like an inch long black dagger.
Her teeth clenched as she felt her canines growing into fangs, shifting all her teeth. She barely felt her ears grow elf like to tapered points, but when it hit her eyes, she almost screamed from the pressure, feeling like they were going to pop out, pushing on her eyes with the balls of her hands, trying to fight the pressure.
All the pain finally stopped, except the one in her uterus, it felt like a period.
Gwen rubbed her eyes and opened to see her vision had improved significantly. The changes were aesthetically minor, ears, claws, eyes, nothing much. Her stomach began to tingle, so she scratched it, and shuddered with pleasure. She pulled up her shirt to six nipples budding up in neat rows beneath her breasts. She touched them again, and felt her new womanhood begin to moisten from excitement.
Maven seemed pleased, "Good, you've made it through the first stage of the transformation"
"WHAT" Gwen screamed, "There's more?"
"Yes" replied the crone, "Its dangerous to transform all at once, plus, you don't want people around town to see you as an orange and black cat woman, do you? You'll progress gradually over the next few weeks. You still need fur, a tail, a muzzle, your ears will eventually grow into full cat ears, and your bones will steadily realign to those of an agile Hunter"
Gwen sat back down and looked at her claws, "What do I do now" she moaned
"Now, you go, here, this satchel has a thousand gold pieces and some other valuables that should get you where you need to go"
Gwen gathered up some clothes in a knapsack, careful not to damage them with her claws. She met Maven outside who took out an amulet, chanted a spell, and gradually, the house faded into a blue sphere.
Maven turned and handed the amulet to Gwen, " When you get back, this will unlock it"
"Aren't you coming? And what if I lose this?" Asked Gwen
"I was too old to make the journey north a hundred years ago, let alone now. And you'll never lose that, if you do, it will reappear around your neck. I packed you a weeks provisions in the knapsack as well, but I suspect you'll soon put your new abilities to use hunting soon"
Gwen smiled and turned to walk down the path shrouded in her cloak, looking at her map.
"Oh, one last thing" Maven called. Gwen turned to her. Maven whispered in her ear, " You may feel "womanly" urges, and you may want to give in to them on occasion, after all, you're becoming a breeding animal, your body will drive you mad with lust if you don't, just try to keep yourself for the Tiger King, sex with another man will soon count as bestiality"
Gwen blushed and walked off into the night, guided only by the light of the moon and a map.
After she left earshot, Maven pulled out a crystal ball and tapped it. The face of a great tiger appeared within the sphere.
"So Maven" said the tiger in a deep voice, "You found someone for your idea after all."
"Yes, your grace" replied the hag, "It was a complete success, she already has started turning into an Anthropomorphic tiger"
"Was she willing, I don't want my heirs to be sired by a slave, but a willing participant"
"She was willing, sire. She agreed to be your mate long enough to sire a litter of cubs, in trade for her husband's life"
"I thought you said your experiment required a virgin" said the tiger
"She was, they were wed this afternoon. Point is, you have a willing mate, and all thanks to me"
"Yes, yes, I'll grant your wish AFTER she arrives, I think I'll let her try that on her own, its a long way from your paltry kingdom to the northern wilderness, and further still to my castle, I want to make sure my cubs have a fit and capable mother"
Maven was crushed
The Tiger chuckled, "Don't worry Maven, she'll be fine, I'll make sure of that, and you'll get your immortality, all in due time."
Chapter 1: The Deal
Gwendolyn closed the door softly as she stepped into the night. Her cottage looked abandoned, but it still housed one occupant, her husband, Gregory. As she walked up the dirt path into the foreboding woods, she recalled what the physician had said. "Its called a coma" he told her "He's still alive, but unconscious, no way to discern how long it will last" she cried softly, this was her wedding night, after all. They had just been married when he had collapsed walking out of the temple. She looked up to see the water mill, the lair of the alchemist: Maven. Maven was different from other alchemists, though, she practiced magic, witchcraft, said the townsfolk. But, right now, that's exactly what Gwen need.

She walked up to the door and knocked. The door swung open, and an old gray haired hag walked out.
"What do you want, child, I'm a very busy woman" she wheezed.
"He-hello, Madame Maven, my name is Gwendolyn, I need your help. My husband has gone into a coma, and you're the only hope he's got"
Maven's lips curled into a smile, "A coma, eh, pretty complex stuff, so many possible causes, I'd have to give him a cure-all, and those are VERY expensive to make"
"Please" pleaded Gwen, "I don't have much, but I'll do anything you want"
Bingo thought the old witch, "You, by chance, wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would you"
Gwen blushed, "Y-yes, why"
Maven cackled, "As it turns out, I have need of one such as yourself, but I warn you, this won't be an easy bargain. The risks are great, and you May never come back"
"What is "it"" asked Gwen.
Maven pulled a scroll out, "1,000 years ago, the guardian of the forests, the tiger king, realized the world was changing, men, dwarves, even elves, began to distrust even the most sentient of the four legged beast lords. So, he sent out a decree to all alchemists of the world, that if one could create a bipedal Tigress, with which he could sire a new race of Anthropomorphic beast lords, he would use his great magic to grant a single wish"
Gwen saw a flaw in the story, "If he can grant magic wishes, why not create a Tigress?"
Maven laughed "Shrewd, but he cannot create life, too many variables. Sentience, reproductive organs, not to mention, how can be sure its compatible. Alchemists have made humans before, clones or doppelgangers, we call them. But a wholly new species? No one has been successful, but I found a way, it took me a thousand years, but I found it."
Gwen was shocked, "You're over a millennium old? Wait, shouldn't the tiger be dead too?"
"Foolish girl, he is a guardian, they are incapable of death, As for me, I've preserved myself with life extending magic, but it won't last forever. I wish to be eternally young and beautiful, and now I have a way to do it!"
"With the wish." Gwen realized.
"Precisely, I've used my mastery of magic and science to craft a potion that will turn the drinker into this bipedal Tigress, and in exchange for your beloved's life, you're going to drink it"
Gwen stammered "But I want to be with Gregory, not some breeder for some mystical cat"
"Once the cubs have been born and weened, you'll revert back to normal, I'll give your husband the cure and put your cottage in a time seal until you get back. I'm not some wicked trickster, I promise you, the only thing you stand to lose in this is your virginity, now, do we have a deal?"
Gwen thought of Gregory, slowly dying in his bed, "Alright, I'll do it"
Video Game Confessions: Jack Ryan
**Fictionalized account of what Doug Walker may say if he did a video game confessions with this character. Jack Ryan and Bioshock are owned by 2K, Chell and portal are owned by Valve, and Dominic, the Pixel Palace, and Video Game confessions belong to Doug Walker.
This is Dominic. Dominic works at a five star restaurant called the Pixel Palace. There, some of video games most popular characters stop in to have a drink. Sometimes, they share stories, and even secrets, for as we all know, what the bartender hears is confidential, right?
So I'm sitting there tending bar, when in comes a guy with four girls and a gangly woman. The woman sits the girls at a table as the man strolls up to the bar. He looked ragged, fidgeting, feeling these chain tattoos on his wrists. He asks me "Hey, man, I'm looking to score some Adam" so I ask, "Excuse me? Do you mean like a male prostitute?" "Nah, man. Adam. Its this glowing red liquid that gives you super powers man. Its powered by a glowing blue chemical called Eve" I thought the guy flipped his lid but I try and keep it cool, "Slow down there partner, we don't serve drugs" "Adam ain't a drug, man, it alters your DNA, watch" he takes his left hand and shoots lightening at the wall! The radio that was on the fritz suddenly starts playing Bobby Darin! He looks back at me and goes "The problem is this stuff's like meth, I can't stop!" I look him in the eye and tell him, "If your addicted, seek some help. Don't waste your life on this. This "Adam" is a pointless waste that won't benefit your life" "Yeah, next you'll tell me Chell was just some loon and the cake wasn't a lie" I looked to where Chell committed suicide, "Yeah who'd be so stupid" I said rather awkwardly. He starts smoking a cigarette that he lit with another plasma, or some such tripe and goes back to his rant, "Truth be told, my story ain't much different, forced to do the bidding of a vile murderer who I ended up killing, except, my upbringing wasn't exactly normal, would you believe I'm only five years old, its true!" I had a feeling that it was the Adam that caused that. Mr. Ryan began to tell me his story, it was full of political struggle, genetic science, and psychopaths wielding everything from pipes to grenade launchers. A line starts to form behind him with probably the last guy a man in his vulnerable state should talk to, Link. Now Link was checking Jack out for a while, and right as Jack was telling me about bludgeoning his father to death with a golf club, Link tapped him on the shoulder. Jack spun around to face him, and Link asked using all his supposed charm, "Excuse me, hot stuff, but would you kindly allow the rest of us to order our drinks". He beat Link bloody with a wrench right there, broke every bone in his body. Took Kratos and Master Chief to drag Jack off. Link is still in a full body cast. The police dragged Mr. Ryan away kicking and screaming. I go over to the ladies he brought with in with him, and asked, "What's his problem?" They give me a look like I just said the stupidest thing in the world. Finally, the tall woman says, "Don't asks" and they left. You see a lot of strange things as a bartender, you see a lot of strange things at the Pixel Palace, so, I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Pixel Palace, and that ain't no lie. Swear by it.
Video Game Confessions: Slenderman
**This is a fictionalized take on what would be said if Slenderman was on Doug Walker's Video Game Confessions. If Mr. Walker wants to do this, be my guest.
    So, I'm sitting there tending bar, when in walks one of the most well known internet celebrities, the Slenderman.
He walks up to the bar, orders a bloody beer, and asks me, "Do I look creepy"
I didn't know what to say, he has no face of course he was creepy, but I keep my cool, "eh, only a little" I say. I hand him the beer and he stares into it for a little bit. "I hate being a celebrity" he said, "I used to just be an average Joe working odd-jobs in Hollywood", I look at him and say "Really, how'd that happen?" He took a sip, don't ask how, he just did, and told me. "Well, it all started back during the filming of Nightmare Before Christmas. You think that bone bag, Jack, did his own stunts? He couldn't jump without dislocating a rib. I still have the costume and everything, sometimes the missus and I role-play" I stopped him "Wait, you're married?" "Oh, yeah. You know Sally, I got hitched to her." "What about Jack" "That Fairy? He left the set with one of the elves, Link, I think his name was." I was just dumbfounded by that.
He continued, "So that's how it went. I would do stand in work for tall, gangly characters. I did a bunch of Burton's films, like corpse bride and Coraline, I did work for Jack again in James and the Giant Peach and his later video game appearances. Sally and even worked together on the Hellsing series. She played a ghoul and I stood in for Alucard when he didn't get his lazy ass out of his coffin. My crowning moment was playing one of the silence in Doctor Who, that was an experience, let me tell you" So, what happened to end that? I asked.
Well, I do a lot of charity work, with kids, mostly. People tend to take pictures at those things. The problem was, I have this condition that can cause pictures to distort and cameras to fuzz up if I stand still too long. Then these idiots on one of those meme websites started posting these pictures of me and it all escalated from there. People were saying I ate kids, and that I dragged people into forests, that I drove them crazy with "slender-sickness" Of all the crazy things, slender-sickness, can you believe it!
I told him no. "Well, after that it was hard getting work. No one wants to work with a cannibalistic monster. But then, some indie developers get in contact with me. They want to make a game with me as the antagonist. Now, I'm filing bankruptcy at this point, so, of course I said yes. And that's what its been ever since. Indie games and mods. Plus, people now avoid me whenever they can. So I went to a Villains Anonymous meeting. I asked Sephiroth, the most notorious video game villain out there how he dealt with it. He told me to come here" "Oh, to offload your stress on someone who'll listen" I asked. "No, I want to ask about a job" he answered handing me an application sheet. You see a lot of strange things as a bar tender, you see a lot of strange things at the Pixel Palace, so I see a lot of strange things as a bartender at the Pixel Palace, and that ain't no lie. Swear by it.