I wish I was Someone Else

If I died, at least I couldn't feel this alone
Even in my own skin, it's like I'm never home
Like who I am is just a cage
It's suicide to live this way
Some nights I lie awake, and I just dream
That I am someone else, anyone but me
(Anyone but me)
Citizen Soldier- Anyone But Me

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I'm exploring inside myself. Looking for me... And I don't even know who that is. WHO AM I? Who is Angel the Online Persona I made.. Who is Jessica the one beyond the screen. They are the same person I would think but I don't know.. I've been looking for me and all I am finding is all these other pieces who are trying to apparently protect me but all they do is hurt.. This Therapy is very different to my other experiences.. This one .. Is real... But why do I feel like a facade... Like I am just a fake... I feel so... Fake... Like I'm not even real.. Like I am a ghost floating through the world constantly hiding from everything now.. What happened to me? Where did I go? Where is the me I thought I knew...? 

I'm just trying to understand all these new.. Puzzle pieces.. Or I've called myself a bowl of Alphabet soup that seems to be missing so much of the alphabet.. This is authentic thought.. I don't really care how anyone sees it.. But this is how I see it, how I feel it. 

Just know that I put myself here somehow something snapped.. Broke.. Something went missing in January something happened to me.. Something changed... So much changed... And I lost myself in the process of all that change. 2022 I snapped... And I haven't found the pieces.. I'm not who I was a year ago.. I'm not who I was 3 years ago... People change but how do they change without seeing it? How am I so aware and unaware at the same time..?

I'm sorry that I can't find my way back right now.. I don't know if anyone cares and it's sad and gross that those voices in my head tell me no one should care about me. But I can't stop people from caring ...

I thought getting a job would help.. Me having my license and a sense of freedom would help.. I thought the meds would help... I thought me trying to actually get help would .. Help. .. And yet it's just worse... Or unchanging... I still try to fake my way through a conversation... Pretend my way through life.. Be the Ideal person people would want to be around... Why do I do that? Why do I change to feel accepted...? Or just run away..?

I'm just coasting through and posting my feelings online because I don't know.. Call it what you want I guess... Just know that I am my own problem right now.. It's just me.. It's always been me and I'm tired of wanting to be in denial about it. Wow.. This sounds worse than it is doesn't it? It's like I'm just talking to myself when I type like this like I am trying to convince myself of something.. It sounds like a crisis Maybe it is.. Maybe it's not.. I'm not scared.. Or.. Maybe a little. Or a lot.. I'm actually mortified... Of myself.. My thoughts... And I'm too scared to talk to anyone .. I'm too scared to look at someone and say that I'm scared... Because... I shouldn't be right? I shouldn't be scared... I should be happy that I'm trying and yet I have these thoughts and hear things that say otherwise... And I want to believe them.. I want to just let these shadows eat me alive. Maybe that's why I'm just rambling on a description of art I drew.

It's like kissing angel's goodnight. Haha. I generally find that amusing somehow.. Is that acceptance or ignorance? Arrogance? I'm so bad at knowing words I should read more.. Write and draw more ... Pretend again... Shove it all back into that volcano Burn it away. I'm sure it won't erupt again.. Lying to myself feels easier than people probably realize.. Or is that what everyone does? Ha.. This sounds bad.. It's all just thoughts. Don't worry.

Anyway.. I love you. Peace, love and Light. May you accept you for you.

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Art/Character (c) AngelTheShifter 

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