and today is a horrible day.
two years ago today my 'best friend' was pronounced dead at st. mary's hospital from a drug over dose. no illnesses, no drinking , no coke, no pot, no acid, no oxy, nothing but crystal methamphetamine in his system.
i loved him dearly.
"you are the definition of natural highlights"
and it still makes me smile a little. how could i not smile? how could i let go of the small things i remember from that blurry time in my life when i didnt realized he was slipping away? when i was so caught up with joey and our immaturaty and my worries that maybe he would die from his addiction, but not tony. never tony. he was invincible and joe was jsut a fragile little boy. shame on me, shame on all of use for not doing anything, for standing by, waiting to see what would happen next, to wait for a fall and hope we could catch him. us, his family, on the side, hoping he'd make it out on his own, leaving the tough part to him, laughing at him when he was high. patting his back when he puked like the wrech he was. and we stood silent. every last one of us.
in the past two years i have never cease to come up with scenarios which would end with him alive and in our arms today. so many possiblilities, so many paths to be taken, and we let him squander on the one leading to death for ages. we knew, we could see it, we gasped every morning he awoke, alive and well as a meth freak could be. i think of what he meant to me, what i would have been without him, what i could be with him today.
and its in these life defining moments that we realize how fragile we all are. we realize that we're all born tiny sheets of aluminium, waiting to be bent and dented, folded and torn, that its just a matter of time before we all forget where we come from, what we once were, what it is to be whole. untainted.
and what have i learned, how have a progressed, what have i to show for all of this? i am still a question mark, i have yet to discover that all knowing reason for his life, what he was and what he did. my marred martyr. im still speechless, wondering what type of monster rules the lives we live. what kind of villian, sadist, devil makes us do the things we do, shoves the seven deadly sins down our throats. here i am helpless, wondering what could have been if i had only loved him enough.
but how could i? i loved him more than life.