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There was what looked like a puncture wound near the back of Janev's tail. A tree log was propped on the bank behind the massive naga who cringed at the brief pain from getting slightly impaled. There were some light wounds, but nothing too serious. However, Mara still didn't want any trouble, so she called Bael over for some help.

"No no it's fine Mara" Janev insisted, "we should keep going, it's not safe here."

"It looks like a tree fell and flew downstream and pummeled you. It looked more like a fish with all those branches sticking out on the side" commented Bael.

"Are you sure you don't want a break?" Mara replied concernedly. She looked at her friend from a few yards away, in her giant form.

"I'm sure! We're better off moving than me laying here with a wound. We'd be more of a target if we don't move."

Trusting her friend's judgement they resumed traveling all the way toward Chordoni. The trees mostly looked like a hybrid between pine trees and Sequoias on steroids. It was very silent around, not a lot of external sounds, as the giant predators cause the other inhabitants of this area to pay attention to stealth, instead of walking out in the open.

Over the next few hours, the three friends set out carefully and slowly. Progress was surprisingly swift, Mara continued to hold Bael and fly him through the forest. As they passed through, the tree's leaves blew in the wind, and the overgrown roots continued to block the paths everywhere. The tall bushes looked quite small from the high vantage point the group was at.
Morning transformed into afternoon as Janev, Mara, and Bael made their way miles across the Felaryan wilderness, and all the way to the magic rich land of Chordoni.

Meanwhile, a group of three travelers just managed to enter the dungeon like cave-dwelling, and walked their way past the entry hall.
A human, Derek led the way with his wife Soinee, a Canopy fairy. Following close behind was Ienna, a Letena from an alien world called Centauri.
Quietly, Derek spoke to the others.

"...It's empty, there's nothing around here."

Ienna, Soinee, and Derek kept quiet. Being silent meant only two things, either the whole place was empty or sparsely populated, or it was a trap. Assuming the latter was the safest position to take, and they knew it. As they walked through the hallway into the antechamber, it was warmly lit with ever-burning torches, and a long walkway down the center. Stairs led to a lower level on the right side, and the whole place gave an impression of a simple, yet complex escher drawing.

As Ienna, Derek, and Soinee ventured further into the maze, Mara, Janev, and Bael approached to within a dozen meters of the cave.

"All right, here's where I leave you. I can't fit inside that place."
Bael looked up at Janev, and thanked her as she let them down.

"Sure Bael, dont go and get yourself killed while I'm away~"

Mara floated idly to the grass below and waited as Bael walked up to her. They turned and waved as Janev slithered off to the east toward the waterfall.

"All right Bael, c'mon!" She spoke with a happy face, tugging the Elf by the arm and through the mouth of the cave. The cave was only dark for a brief moment as the lights from the dungeon flooded the area with a strangely comforting orange light. Bael looked around as Mara clung to her boyfriend.

"...It's quiet in here"

"I hear those fairies are pretty nasty" Bael facepalmed at Mara's terrible joke.

They walked on through the same entrance that Ienna, Derek, and Soinee came through not fifteen minutes prior and cast a detection spell, making his eyes glow a faint blue. There was no sign of a fight, no sign of any other adventurers taking up residence in these halls. Bael's long coat barely touched the floor along the length of the room as he walked alongside his naked girlfriend.

They got to the end of the hallway and there was a door with no handle, and upon closer inspection had some ancient runes. Mara looked at them and spoke up.

"Aww, they're runes...I hate reading runes..."

"Hold on a sec Mara..."

Bael spent a minute reading over the front of the doorway. There was a surprisingly large amount of instructions.

"Basically it's just telling us that we need to open the door with a spell. No big deal."

Bael made the area around his hand glow with fire and pressed it against the the door, and it opened rather easily.

"I wonder why a spell activation is required...huh Bael?"

"Most likely the inhabitants who used this place were all magic savvy."

They walked through the door, and down the hallway as they spoke with each other. It looked similar to the antechamber, with smooth walls and floors carved from the mountain they were in.  

"Yeah, it could also be a warning that some understanding of magic is required to survive past this point."

"We should be well suited for-huh? Oh hello!"

Bael looked over at Ienna, Derek and Soinee as they walked down from a set of stairs on the right side of the room.

"Oh hello Bael." Ienna spoke rather calmly. Soinee on the other hand tried to welcome Mara, but was too slow, as she was already being gripped from a rapid-tackle hug. Soinee did nothing but grin back and greet Mara with another hug.

"It's nice to see you too Mara!" Soinee exited smoothly from Mara's hug, being the only one who could probably escape her hug of death.

"What are you guys doing here?" Derek asked.

"Mara told me about this place, why?"

"Oh, Soinee was the one who told Mara about it"

"Shall we go?" Mara cut in quickly. She enthusiastically stepped ahead of the group. They walked onward, the other three told them about the dead end up stairs, and they decided to keep going down the hallway, making a left, and coming to stairs that went up into another large room.

"Have you guys seen anything in here yet?"

"No, that worries me" Ienna ironically stated with another tone of supreme calmness.

They kept walking on up the stairs and into the room a little ways, it was the same as before. Another door was just a few feet beyond the landing at the top of the stairs, once again Bael went up in front of everyone, and opened the door. As he went through he saw whole place was decorated in similar features, with very little text making it hard to nagivate without technology, or a good sense of direction. The fires were brightly lit still, and dancing pleasantly.

"Wait I think I see something" Bael paused and whispered that quickly.

"What are you talking about, it's empty."

"Remember those creatures, the ones that like to blend in with fire, and attack from behind?"

"Salamanders" stated Soinee.

"This could be a problem." Ienna looked around at about a dozen large, lit torches scattered that were keeping the whole place lit.
This is the second part of Mara's adventures with Bael. This time they meet some new people.

Soinee and Derek (c) :iconasaenvolk:

Ienna (c) :icontuc135:

Felarya is (c) :iconkarbo:
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:iconshady-knight:
Shady-Knight Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, so far it's decent, but I will do something differently and post points that you need to improve for your writing to be more professional.

(A human, Derek led the way with his wife Soinee, a Canopy fairy. Following close behind was Ienna, a Letena from an alien world called Centauri.)

Here you just told something as if the readers already knew about it. But here's the problem, this is the first time you ever mentioned them. I know you, Tuc and Ace had an RP and one of you posted the log, but if you don't have the story where they met in your own gallery, then you MUST link to the story proper so one can easily go read it for himself. You must never assume your readers know what you do. If this is the first time you introduce them in your story, you should describe them first and not refer to them by name unless they mention each other, or describe them, and if you must mention them again almost immediately afterward, name the character then point who that is.

Also, the tidbit of exposition about Ienna is a good example of bad telling. Again, assume it's the first time your readers see them and only bring up that she's an alien from Planet X when it becomes relevant, like someone ask her who she is and the character says the information. Here's an exaggerated example: "On the other side of the room, Neelix, a Human from the country of Dregar on the planet Braxis, who has been captured during a rebellion and then exiled to Felarya, was..." Do you see how that slows the flow of the story down to a grinding halt? If it wasn't her first mention, it would make sense, but you'd still need to by more brief by saying something like "It was Ienna, the alien from Centauri" just to refresh your readers' memory.

(Assuming the latter was the safest position to take, and they knew it. / As they walked through the hallway into the antechamber, it was warmly lit with ever-burning torches, and a long walkway down the center.)

Another thing you should do is try not to start a sentence, unless it's dialogue, with a verb in present progressive or with As. It may look good, but it doesn't convey a really good image. Also, the last one feels like an incomplete sentence since there's no subject. Here's a different take on each.

"The safest and wisest choice would be to assume the latter and they knew it." / "They walked through the hallway into the antechamber. It was warmly lit with ever-burning torches and a long walkway extending down the center."

Do you see how both sound more dynamic and give the illusion that more is happening? Hope that helps.
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:iconandurilwielder:
AndurilWielder Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Hobbyist
so for the first part, dont mention their names as they are first introduced?

also for the other thing it does have a subject and a verb. Starting it with "as" just felt right.
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:iconshady-knight:
Shady-Knight Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
For the first part, readers will be scratching their heads as who they are and how the heck they are friends with your characters since you never showed them meet each other because of that 1 week time skip after Meeting of Fate. Once again, do not assume your readers know who they are the moment you present them. They're not necessarily the guys you Role Play with. If there is a log for their meeting on DA, you have to link to it.

And yes, it is a complete sentence, but trying reading it out loud: "As they walked through the hallway into the antechamber, it was warmly lit with ever-burning torches, and a long walkway down the center."

Does it sound like something is happening? The "As" at the start is superfluous. Now try reading this out loud: "They walked through the hallway into the antechambe; it was warmly lit with ever-burning torches, and had a long walkway down the center."

Now, does it give a more vivid picture in your head? The first sentence, when I read it, it feels like information is given to me. When I read the second, it feels like a situation and location is described.
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:iconandurilwielder:
AndurilWielder Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Hobbyist
they're not characters I'll be featuring that much though, I didn't put too much thought into it.
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:iconshady-knight:
Shady-Knight Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Well, what is done is done. But when you introduce a new character, unless it's like a chapter centered around it, it's more natural that you slowly introduce them, since the way Ace's and Tuc's character appeared here is as if they had already been introduced before, which isn't the case. It worked in Meeting of Fate because you gave both Bael and Mara their proper introduction, but for Derek, Soinee and Ienna, it doesn't work because they didn't get a proper introduction.
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:iconkarbo:
Karbo Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010  Professional Digital Artist
It's nice to see the story continue :D I'm curious to see where it will go ^_^
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:iconandurilwielder:
AndurilWielder Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010  Hobbyist
Thanks, I hope to have more character development along the way.
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:iconasaenvolk:
asaenvolk Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010
time for a heat vission spell.
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:iconandurilwielder:
AndurilWielder Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010  Hobbyist
lol, you like? ^_^
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:iconleonard115:
Leonard115 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2010  Student Traditional Artist
been waiting a while for this, Im really happy that you finnally posted it
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:iconandurilwielder:
AndurilWielder Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2010  Hobbyist
yeah, life has happened. I'm planning on finishing it today, I'm tired of all the nonsense I get when I try to write a story >.>
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