So for the last few months I haven't been drawing, or at least I've been drawing infrequently and for short periods of time. I've been procrastinating and have generally have had a terrible relationship with art. If I'm honest, the thought of drawing terrifies me, the thought of uploading something to the internet terrifies me also, and I guess that isn't a good sign.
I have for years had pretty low self-esteem, crazy social anxiety and perfectionism. I constantly feel like when I draw I need to achieve a certain quality with every illustration, and when I inevitably mess up the drawing and can no longer figure out how to improve it I freeze, I stop working on it completely for weeks or even months. Whenever I begin a drawing I feel like it needs to have a "good enough" of a composition, which means figuring out a complex mess of values, colors, design, perspective, posing, originality, etc. which scares the hell out of me. I even used to do that thing of writing negative words such as "bad" "shit" "trash" and "what the hell is wrong with you" etc. next to most of my sketchbook drawings for a while. When it comes to posting something online the same thing happens, I feel like the upload piece needs to be "good enough", and even then I can't help but to feel like people must hate it, they must think that the style is weird, that the subject matter is strange, etc. Same goes for commissions. When a piece is not going as well as expected, I freeze, I start missing deadlines and screw people over. Obviously I know that all of this is irrational, but the fear and negative habits and thinking is still there.
So to get to the point, I've always wanted to do one of those 30 day challenges, stuff like Inktober or the recent Mermay, etc. I even tried doing it in 2017, but ended up messing up two of the drawings very badly, didn't post, missed a day and gave up. So here's my 30 day challenge: I will upload a sketch (30min-2h tops) every day no matter how loose or bad or unfinished it might be. If I miss a day I'll post one of my older "not good enough" sketches instead. We could call it "Junexiety" or something... It starting on the 18th instead of the 1st seems appropriate lol. ^^
Have any of you ever dealt with irrational fears like this? What helped you overcome it?
Here is the picture for my first day, probably not even that bad, but when I thought of posting it I was kinda dying inside: