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Day 78 of 365 - Oh Christmas tree... by AmyKPhotos Day 78 of 365 - Oh Christmas tree... :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 25 2 Day 77 of 365 - Waiting for the Christmas tram by AmyKPhotos Day 77 of 365 - Waiting for the Christmas tram :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 42 9 Day 76 of 365 -Like strawberries in the summertime by AmyKPhotos Day 76 of 365 -Like strawberries in the summertime :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 24 0 Day 75 of 365 - Christmas of gold by AmyKPhotos Day 75 of 365 - Christmas of gold :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 22 1 Day 74 of 365 - Frost by AmyKPhotos Day 74 of 365 - Frost :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 27 0 Day 73 of 365 - Stone cold by AmyKPhotos Day 73 of 365 - Stone cold :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 34 1 Day 72 of 365 - by AmyKPhotos Day 72 of 365 - :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 53 5 Day 71 of 365 - Light and foggy night by AmyKPhotos Day 71 of 365 - Light and foggy night :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 28 5 Day 70 of 365 - Rockin' around the Christmas tree by AmyKPhotos Day 70 of 365 - Rockin' around the Christmas tree :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 31 4 Day 69 of 365 - Christmas lights by AmyKPhotos Day 69 of 365 - Christmas lights :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 23 1 Day 68 of 365 - Lights are up... by AmyKPhotos Day 68 of 365 - Lights are up... :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 20 1 Day 67 of 365 - You are shining light by AmyKPhotos Day 67 of 365 - You are shining light :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 19 6 Day 66 of 365 - A mountain to climb by AmyKPhotos Day 66 of 365 - A mountain to climb :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 9 4 Day 65 of 365 - Layers by AmyKPhotos Day 65 of 365 - Layers :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 16 4 Day 64 of 365 - Dreams move the wind by AmyKPhotos Day 64 of 365 - Dreams move the wind :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 31 1 Day 62 of 365 - I seem to have left it out by AmyKPhotos Day 62 of 365 - I seem to have left it out :iconamykphotos:AmyKPhotos 25 2

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There's something I need to tell...

Journal Entry: Thu Dec 29, 2016, 4:19 PM


Okay, so. You probably have noticed that I've been inactive. Now I've decided to be honest. Again. And with this text I do not mean to offend anyone.

I think we all know those artists, who just seem to magically draw people towards themselves. Who may upload whatever, they could count with an influx of favourites and 50 comments just within the first hour, who others immediately want to befriend. Well, I have never been that kind of a person, and sometimes it hurts. And thos of you who know my past with perfectionism, might surmise how hard I worked towards being that kind of a person.

When I registered, I would spend whole days or weekends sending out llamas, faving like crazy, commenting and returning the kindness for everyone, doing various features, firstly because I wanted to, secondly because I was hungry for recognition. And as time went by, the hunger for recognition won over. In the second and third year of dA-ing, when I had a slightly better camera, I was able to gain about 60 faves per photo and 100 pageviews per day. But that still was nothing compared to others, so I kept pushing. What I had as a hobby had rapidly become an unsuccessful popularity-gaining routine which I hated.

At times I needed to break away. I said I was studying, because I did not want to let you down. Actually, while I was in high school, online forums were my only life and shelter. There nobody knew about my class bullying me and what a loser I was in my tweens. Now I am starting to establish what people call a life. I am trying to rebuild myself from my past (of which you know a lot), I'm a full.-time university student and a part-time (yet unofficial) private tutor, a person who claims to be responsible for the emotional well-being of a group of friends, a Christian gay rights activist (No, we are not violent. We just want other people - especially Christians to turn with acceptance towards a gay person instead of hatred). So I've got a lot of other stuff to do, the enjoyment of which I haven't killed yet.

Back to my absences. As I started getting away, the obligations only increased. I had more favs, more people to reply to, and I started again feeling more of a sense of obligation then one of enjoyment. I could compare it to when a child is forced by their parents to take up a hobby which they are not actually into. And, as a result of a vicious cycle, I was even more absent, I had even more obligations, but also less people were watching me.

Today, I could not sit through a whole weekend just hunting for favs, or doing features. But actually I do not really want to anymore. I'm still doing the challenge and posting ot on another social media platforms, but somehow, when it comes to dA, as a reflex, my "enthusiasm" button turns off. And now, while not maintaining the site, I get less and less feedback, which, for me, is shameful but expected.

I tried to keep it on because I did not want to disappoint you. I genuinely wanted to, in case you once watch me and expect me to be active, satisfy your needs. I tried multiple times to fix what was obviously broken, but I just couldn't, no matter how hard I wanted. Then I realized that I should rather tell you the truth. That I am not studying, it's not my camera broken, it's not whatever shitty excuse, just who I am. So that you would not expect me coming when I'm not coming.

I can thank a lot to this community. Some of my dearest friends, my greatest supporters, a hobby, something to occupy and distract me, the possibility to ever open up about my mental health. So it's a shame that I can't keep it on. If we were close, we could find a way to keep in contact.

I honestly don't know if I will ever be back, or whether I want to be back at all.

Love you and sorry,
Amy

Skin by SimplySilent

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:icondragonflyandromeda:
DragonflyAndromeda Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018   Photographer
   Stars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars Colorful  
   :iconcolorfulsparklesplz: Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-06 (Kawaii Dance) [V1] PARTY HARDHappy Birthday Godliek :DPARTY HARD Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-06 (Kawaii Dance) [V1] :iconcolorfulsparklesplz:
   :iconcolorfulsparklesplz: Cabbage Patch Dance Chibi Sini and Bunneh CaramelldansenBlueberry Cake type 10 with candles 50x50 iconSini and Bunneh Caramelldansen Cabbage Patch Dance Chibi :iconcolorfulsparklesplz:     
   Stars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars ColorfulStars Colorful
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:iconlucilaleyla:
LUCILALEYLA Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Hobbyist Photographer
Happy birthday by little-one-girl   Commission for Arichy - Animated Emote OC by Web5teR   Thank-you! by vafiehya  
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:iconawesome43:
awesome43 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
happy-Birthday by vafiehya   happy Birthday by vafiehya   Happy Birthday by KmyGraphic   Happy-Birthday by KmyGraphic   happy-Birthday by vafiehya  dear Amy. :hug::heart: 
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:iconpurstotahti:
purstotahti Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Professional General Artist
Happy birthday!
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:icondinaminzer:
dinaminzer Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Hobbyist Artist
Misc Emoji-04 (Happy Birthday) [V1] Hello :blowkiss: dear Amy,Kao Emoji-16 (Happy Birthday) [V1]
Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D i wish the best for your Birthday! Happy Birth Day by Dathud 
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:iconraisedfists:
RaisedFists Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Hobbyist Photographer
Cake FOR Bday by KmyGraphic   Cheering Clapping by hano22  Blower fella (Party) 
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:iconphenix59:
Phenix59 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018
:party:  :cake:  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!  :cake:  :party:
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:iconjolabrodnica:
jolabrodnica Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018   Traditional Artist
:party: Happy birthday!
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:iconsparkydjm1:
SparkyDJM1 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there Amy. I know you're not around anymore, but I'm still wishing you a very happy birthday, wherever you are :hug: :heart: Airborne 
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