Okay, so. You probably have noticed that I've been inactive. Now I've decided to be honest. Again. And with this text I do not mean to offend anyone.
I think we all know those artists, who just seem to magically draw people towards themselves. Who may upload whatever, they could count with an influx of favourites and 50 comments just within the first hour, who others immediately want to befriend. Well, I have never been that kind of a person, and sometimes it hurts. And thos of you who know my past with perfectionism, might surmise how hard I worked towards being that kind of a person.
When I registered, I would spend whole days or weekends sending out llamas, faving like crazy, commenting and returning the kindness for everyone, doing various features, firstly because I wanted to, secondly because I was hungry for recognition. And as time went by, the hunger for recognition won over. In the second and third year of dA-ing, when I had a slightly better camera, I was able to gain about 60 faves per photo and 100 pageviews per day. But that still was nothing compared to others, so I kept pushing. What I had as a hobby had rapidly become an unsuccessful popularity-gaining routine which I hated.
At times I needed to break away. I said I was studying, because I did not want to let you down. Actually, while I was in high school, online forums were my only life and shelter. There nobody knew about my class bullying me and what a loser I was in my tweens. Now I am starting to establish what people call a life. I am trying to rebuild myself from my past (of which you know a lot), I'm a full.-time university student and a part-time (yet unofficial) private tutor, a person who claims to be responsible for the emotional well-being of a group of friends, a Christian gay rights activist (No, we are not violent. We just want other people - especially Christians to turn with acceptance towards a gay person instead of hatred). So I've got a lot of other stuff to do, the enjoyment of which I haven't killed yet.
Back to my absences. As I started getting away, the obligations only increased. I had more favs, more people to reply to, and I started again feeling more of a sense of obligation then one of enjoyment. I could compare it to when a child is forced by their parents to take up a hobby which they are not actually into. And, as a result of a vicious cycle, I was even more absent, I had even more obligations, but also less people were watching me.
Today, I could not sit through a whole weekend just hunting for favs, or doing features. But actually I do not really want to anymore. I'm still doing the challenge and posting ot on another social media platforms, but somehow, when it comes to dA, as a reflex, my "enthusiasm" button turns off. And now, while not maintaining the site, I get less and less feedback, which, for me, is shameful but expected.
I tried to keep it on because I did not want to disappoint you. I genuinely wanted to, in case you once watch me and expect me to be active, satisfy your needs. I tried multiple times to fix what was obviously broken, but I just couldn't, no matter how hard I wanted. Then I realized that I should rather tell you the truth. That I am not studying, it's not my camera broken, it's not whatever shitty excuse, just who I am. So that you would not expect me coming when I'm not coming.
I can thank a lot to this community. Some of my dearest friends, my greatest supporters, a hobby, something to occupy and distract me, the possibility to ever open up about my mental health. So it's a shame that I can't keep it on. If we were close, we could find a way to keep in contact.
I honestly don't know if I will ever be back, or whether I want to be back at all.
Love you and sorry,