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Chapter 9: My Tallest, We’ve Contacted a Moron

The next thing Eddy and Double D knew, they were sneaking around the dark corridors of the jawbreaker factory. However, one thing they had immediately noticed was that unlike their previous visits to the factory (contrary to popular belief, they had been inside the factory before), the place was sweltering hot. Because of this, the boys had to shed their winter clothing near the entrance of the building.

“What are we supposed to be looking for again?” Eddy whispered again.

“According to Zim, a giant drill-like object capable of drilling into the Earth’s core,” Double D whispered back. “Since Zim’s going off to find Tak, I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure it out by myself.”

“Well, since it’s a girl, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s complicated,” said Eddy.

Double D looked at his friend. “So you’re saying that the fact that she’s the member of an advanced alien race isn’t a concern at all?”

“Exactly,” said Eddy.

Double D sighed. “Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you,” he said.

“It’s ‘cause there’s no way you’d get any jawbreakers if you didn’t,” said Eddy. Suddenly, something caught his eye. “Ooh, speaking of which…”

Double D also looked. To their left, there was a large pile of finished jawbreakers.

“No use letting all these babies go to waste, right?” asked Eddy. He ran up to the pile, and was about to lick one, when…

“Eddy, no!” said Double D. “All these jawbreakers have been exposed to this intense heat! They’re basically time bombs! One lick, and you’ll have third-degree burns all over your face!”

“What?!” said Eddy. He glared at the jawbreaker pile with contempt. “If it wasn’t for the need of my good looks, you’d all be mine…”

“If you say so, Eddy,” said Double D, rolling his eyes.

After that, poor Double D had to practically drag Eddy through the factory. Everywhere they looked, there were jawbreakers everywhere. And every time, Double D would have to remind Eddy how Tak had basically made a building full of candy bombs.

Finally, the two boys had made it to the center of the factory, and they still hadn’t seen any sign of Zim or Tak (Double D was still debating whether this was a good thing or not). They did, however, find the main machine that they were looking for.

Eddy stared at the obvious alien device amongst all the jawbreaker-making machines. “Hmm,” he said. “I’m pretty sure that wasn’t there the last time we were here.”

“Albeit, it’s been a while since we’ve been here,” said Double D. “But I’m going to have to agree with you, Eddy. This isn’t supposed to be here.”

“Especially in a place that’s supposed to bring joy to people,” said Eddy. “I say we get rid of it.”

“And by “we,” you mean me?” asked Double D.

“Exactly,” said Eddy, grinning.

Double D sighed. “I don’t know why I even ask anymore…” he said. “Well, I suppose we should find anything that looks like an “off” button…”

“There’ll be no need for that,” an icy, female voice suddenly cut through the dark, hot factory. “You’ve already pushed my buttons.”

Eddy and Double D whipped around, only to be staring at the nose of a large, futuristic-looking gun, held by a very annoyed-looking Tak.

“So, uh…” said Eddy, “what do you think Ed is doing?”


“…And so, with our hero piloting the cold planet of Mercury, he flew as fast as he could after the evil Ice Beings, who were controlling Mars, to stop their plan of revenge against Earth for excluding Pluto from the Solar System. Our hero knew that if he didn’t stop the Ice Beings, all life on Earth would be flattened by the massive Red Planet!”

As Eddy and Double D were infiltrating the jawbreaker factory, Ed continued to read out loud from his comic book for Gir and MiniMoose.

“Ooh…” Gir said, then his eyes seemed to light up with recognition. “Ooh! Just like Master and Big-Headed Boy!”

“What?” asked Ed.

“What?” Gir asked back.

“Uh…okay,” said Ed. He turned back to his comic book. “So, anyway…”

Suddenly, the main monitor began flashing red, and an alarm sounded.

Incoming transmission from the Massive,” Zim’s computer spoke up. “Accept?

Ed looked at the main monitor. “Massive what?” he asked.

“Yes!” said Gir. MiniMoose gave a squeak.

“Wait!” said Ed, turning back to Gir. “Massive what?”

Suddenly, Ed felt like there were two pairs of eyes staring at the back of his head. He whirled around and looked at the main monitor.

Sure enough, two aliens that looked similar to Zim were staring straight at Ed. However, they did have some differences from Zim: one of them had bright red eyes and wore red clothing, while the other one had purple eyes and wore purple clothing. But the main difference between these two aliens and Zim was…they were both so tall.

Ed’s eyes widened, and he quickly looked at his comic book for reference. Then, he turned back to the monitor.

“Greetings, beings from another void!” said Ed. “I am Ed, defender of all things horror and poultry-related!” A pause. Then… “Wanna see me walk on my eyebrow?’

The two aliens just stared at the unfamiliar character that just happened to be in Zim’s lair. Then, the one with red eyes and clothing decided to speak up.

“…Gir?” he asked hesitantly. “Is that you?”

“Why do you think Zim made him such an ugly disguise?” the alien with purple eyes whispered to his red counterpart.

Meanwhile, Ed looked confused. “Grr?” he asked. “Like a dog?”

Suddenly, Gir hopped into view. “HI!” he chirped.

“Oh, there he is,” said the purple-eyed alien.

“Gir, who is this?” the red-eyed alien asked, gesturing to Ed.

“This is Peanut Head!” said Gir. “Master’s been makin’ all sorts of friends since we moved!”

“Yeah, like me!” said Ed.

“Moved?” asked the purple-eyed alien. “You aren’t living in that one town with that large-headed boy anymore?”

“Double D says Eddy has a big mouth,” said Ed. “Does that count?”

The purple-eyed alien looked at Ed. “…No,” he said.

The red-eyed alien sighed. “Why are we even doing this?” he asked. “I mean, it’s not like Zim’s a real Invader. I thought we went through this already. Why do we keep checking up on him like this?”

“Well, since Zim’s not here, we can’t tell him that his mission is a fake,” said the purple-eyed alien. “That’s a shame. I wanted to see the look on his face when we told him…”

“Zim’s mission is a fake?” asked Ed. He thought for a moment. “Wait, my brain is working!” he suddenly said. “That’s what the scary alien lady said!”

“Scary alien lady?” asked the red-eyed alien.

“Yep,” said Ed. “She had a uniform like Zim’s, and curly antenna, and eyes like…yours!” he finished, pointing to the purple-eyed alien.

The two aliens looked at each other, then back at Ed.

“You mean Tak?” asked the purple-eyed alien.

“Ooh, yeah!” said Ed. “That’s her. I don’t like her; she was really grumpy…”

“Huh,” said the red-eyed alien. “I thought she was jettisoned into space by Zim.”

“Hey, if she’s here, we won’t need to worry about telling Zim anything,” said the purple-eyed alien. “She’s probably finishing him off as we speak!”

“Hey, yeah!” said the red-eyed alien.

“Finishing him off?” asked Ed. “That’s not very nice…”

The two aliens looked back at Ed, as if he had said the dumbest thing in the universe.

“Kid, we’re the Tallest,” said the red-eyed alien. “We don’t do nice.”

“Well, I think our work here is done,” said the purple-eyed alien. He turned to Zim’s minions. “We’d ask you two to give Zim our best regards, but we don’t have any!”

With that, the two aliens began laughing as the picture faded, and cut back to the image of the jawbreaker factory.

Ed continued to stare at the screen. “What was that?” he asked.

Those two were the Tallest,” said Zim’s computer. “The rulers of Irk, and the Irkens. It is their duty to check the progress of all Invaders.

Ed paused. “Well I don’t like them,” he finally said. “They were making fun of Zim. Like Kevin they are! Zim is cool.”

Someone sticking up for Zim?” Zim’s computer asked. “This must be, as you humans put it, a sign of the apocalypse…
Chapter 9: My Tallest, We Contacted a Moron

In which Eddy, Double D, and Zim infiltrate the jawbreaker factory, and Ed has a stimulating conversation with two familiar rulers.

Ed Edd n Eddy (c) Danny Antonucci
Invader Zim (c) Jhonen Vasquez
Porcupine-Pen Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2008  Student Digital Artist
:rofl: Zim's Computor, I couldn't have put it any better myself. XD Again, wonderful dialogue and wonderful chapter. :clap:
Pokemusic Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yes, my thoughts exactly uvu
AMX-269 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2008   Writer
Thank you. :D

"What are ya, some kinda troll or something?"--Eddy, Ed Edd n Eddy

"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"--Adam Savage, Mythbusters

"Aren't tracer rounds illegal?"--Jamie Hyneman, Mythbusters

Wanna know what "Sailing Bacon" is? Click here: [link]
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Submitted on
July 17, 2008
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