Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
She's clad in scarlet and carries a parasol.
Beneath layers of crinoline, she wears an erogenous slip.
With a curl of the finger, men bleed to her call.
She can seduce a holy man with a sway of her hips.

Pheromones secrete from her perfume-laden pores.
Her body moves like savage waves against a sandy shore.

Slathered with scandal and hearsay; she fills the streets late at night
when the damp cobbled path whispers their delight.

Her name is spread around town - an odium to Harmen.
She is immortal and dines with the Gods,
sipping ambrosia the shade of carmine.
I'm feeling scandalous and here is my "Lady in Red" to insinuate that... :heart:

Copyright @ 2016. Samantha Lynn/amour-raven. All Rights Reserved.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You've got some nice concrete imagery in this piece -- "parasol," "crinoline," "lingerie" and "ambrosia" all stand out as clear images to me.

That said, I think there's a fair amount of cliche going on -- for example, the concept of the "lady in red" is not particularly original.  I'm not saying don't write about it -- but you might want to think about approaching it in a more novel manner.  I do like that she is not portrayed as the typical "street walker" -- her crinoline and parasol make her seem more pristine.  Some other cliched phrases are:  "sensuous lingerie"; "can smell fear"; "works the streets"; "kisses stain like wine."  The more you can make your images stand out, possibly by using atypical words and phrases, the more you grab the reader.

I think your "red" imagery is a bit heavy-handed.  Scarlet, red, burgundy, wine, carmine -- I don't think it's necessary to pound the image of The Lady In Red into your reader's head.  Consider removing "The Lady in Red" completely, and choosing the most descriptive one or two shades of red to include in your poem.  I like "wine" and "carmine" in particular.

I would say "cobbled" streets instead of "cobble."  Just a nit-picky thing.

The poem reads kind of stiffly; I would also cut the phrases "with burgundy lips," change the firsts line of the second stanza to something like "She can smell fear; pheromones drift from her perfumed pores" [with whatever phrase you like in place of "smell fear" and "pheromones drift"], and change the last line to "sipping carmine ambrosia." 

There is a tense change between the first line and the third.  I'm not sure if that was a mistake or if you are doing that to enhance the poem somehow -- and I'm not sure how, if that's the case.  I would change it so that the tense is uniform.

I don't quite understand the stanza breaks here; it looks like you wanted to make the stanzas uniform, but I don't think that serves the poem well.  Think about grouping your lines together by the thoughts they convey, rather than by number of lines.

I very much like the word play in the words "her hips can sway..." -- and also the image of her dining with the Gods and sipping the carmine ambrosia.  I think this poem needs a fair amount of work, but it's a good beginning to what I hope will become a very interesting and original piece.
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First and foremost, thank you incredibly for this thorough review. :heart:

I am the Queen of Cliches, it seems! As I went back to filter through the poem (since reading your critique) I noticed just how rough around the edges it truly is. You literally highlighted every one of my insecurities in this poem and just reinstated my strengths! I'm very appreciative. 

Typically, I tend to forget just how much the cliches bog down a writing. I'm not sure if my brain is stuffed with cotton right now, but I made some alterations to the poem and they just don't seem right. 

I'm going to think a little longer, and slightly harder on everything you said because they are all amazing points that needed to be made. Not sure, but my last stanza sounds a little shifty...eh, I don't know.

Much love. :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconteaphotography:
TeaPhotography Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014  Professional General Artist
:omg: My goodness this is very good!
I can really imagine and feel this one. Just excellent work. :heart:
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much!!! :glomp:
Reply
:iconcomatose-comet:
comatose-comet Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I really like the rhyme at the end of 'wine' and 'carmine' - it rounds off the piece very well and ties everything together. Also I like the fact that you didn't make everything about the colour red but linked the sensuality of red to other senses like smells and sounds. :love:
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Why, thank you so much! I found this poem was a lot easier to write than some of my others. Yes; despite her being labeled "The Lady in Red" I only suggested other shades of red throughout the piece, it wasn't the focal point of the poem. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconobsidiantrance:
ObsidianTrance Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Lol! Sorry, didn't mean to ask that question XD What I meant was is there an underlying story beyond the tale told?
Reply
:iconobsidiantrance:
ObsidianTrance Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
I have no idea what to say other than this is the most beautiful, if not perfect interpretation of "lady in red" I have come
across". The diction, flow and description is as beautiful as the woman and just as dangerous. What is the Armour Raven
this goes to?
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
AH, THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! :glomp: I thought people found this poem to be boring or lacking something; personally, I enjoy this poem. It really made me branch out and delve into the wild side of my writing! 
Reply
:iconobsidiantrance:
ObsidianTrance Featured By Owner May 30, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
o_O Boring? Please! The only people who would find it boring are
those who can't read. Your diction and writing style is perfect in my
opinion and far from anything amateur. I agree, you did amazing on
this ^_^ Nod 
Reply
:iconamour-raven:
amour-raven Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much; it means a lot! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconobsidiantrance:
ObsidianTrance Featured By Owner May 31, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You are very, very welcome~ Meow :3 
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconamour-raven: More from amour-raven



Featured in Collections

Literature GREATness by TeaPhotography


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
February 22, 2014
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
500
Favourites
14 (who?)
Comments
12