Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
About Deviant Artist AmiraiUnited States Recent Activity
Deviant for 11 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 164 Deviations 374 Comments 110,965 Pageviews
×

Newest Deviations

Supposedly Super page 15 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 15 :iconamirai:Amirai 21 11 Supposedly Super page 14 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 14 :iconamirai:Amirai 15 6 Supposedly Super page 13 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 13 :iconamirai:Amirai 15 3 Supposedly Super page 12 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 12 :iconamirai:Amirai 23 5 Supposedly Super page 11 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 11 :iconamirai:Amirai 22 6 Supposedly Super page 10 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 10 :iconamirai:Amirai 21 14 Supposedly Super page 9 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 9 :iconamirai:Amirai 29 5 Supposedly Super page 8 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 8 :iconamirai:Amirai 22 5 Supposedly Super page 7 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 7 :iconamirai:Amirai 23 15 Supposedly Super page 6 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 6 :iconamirai:Amirai 36 7 Supposedly Super page 5 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 5 :iconamirai:Amirai 28 8 Supposedly Super page 4 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 4 :iconamirai:Amirai 15 4 Supposedly Super page 3 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 3 :iconamirai:Amirai 29 9 Supposedly Super page 2 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 2 :iconamirai:Amirai 30 13 Supposedly Super page 1 by Amirai Supposedly Super page 1 :iconamirai:Amirai 35 15 Violetta walking animation by Amirai Violetta walking animation :iconamirai:Amirai 20 3

Favourites

fAIRY fLIES by Quirkilicious fAIRY fLIES :iconquirkilicious:Quirkilicious 4,894 156 Black Bat by Psuede Black Bat :iconpsuede:Psuede 820 24 Blue Glow by sakimichan Blue Glow :iconsakimichan:sakimichan 15,915 355 Dragon's Breath by 88grzes Dragon's Breath :icon88grzes:88grzes 15,956 517 Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni by TysonTan Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni :icontysontan:TysonTan 17,134 1,528 the bus is late by megatruh the bus is late :iconmegatruh:megatruh 8,044 295 Azure flower dragon by AlviaAlcedo Azure flower dragon :iconalviaalcedo:AlviaAlcedo 2,171 82 Cloud Regatta by RHADS Cloud Regatta :iconrhads:RHADS 2,886 63 Morning Veil by Smattila Morning Veil :iconsmattila:Smattila 155 20 Pierian spring by RHADS Pierian spring :iconrhads:RHADS 5,786 140 Cat's Soul by RHADS Cat's Soul :iconrhads:RHADS 4,197 140 Sweet Morning by RHADS Sweet Morning :iconrhads:RHADS 3,648 167 Speedpaint 100 by RHADS Speedpaint 100 :iconrhads:RHADS 4,647 98 Commission: Above The Clouds by RHADS Commission: Above The Clouds :iconrhads:RHADS 3,757 103 Za Drovami by RHADS Za Drovami :iconrhads:RHADS 4,411 146 Great Migration by RHADS Great Migration :iconrhads:RHADS 4,019 89

deviantID

Amirai's Profile Picture
Amirai

Artist
United States
Interests
So, sorry I haven't updated for a while. The reason is because basically, I've given up on hope. It's been a long time that I've been trying to deny it, but I can't anymore. I've been screwed and my health problems are only going to get marginally better at best. Many of the things I want most, like having the ability to work more than a smidgen, listen to music more than a very small amount, to have a relationship again... are just probably not going to happen. And that is an effing *brutal* thing to have to accept. I have to find some way to enjoy life despite my predicament, but... honestly, I don't know how to with how little I'm capable of and how I have to fight against blockades and difficulty almost every step of the way for even simple tasks.

I was also still holding onto some hope that somehow, through one of my projects I could crawl my way out of poverty. But though people like my stuff, I just can't work enough each day to succeed. Maybe someday my novels will become popular, but the first of them is still a ways away - which that was another component of my emotional breakdown because I've hit that awful place in writing novels where it gets incredibly hard. Every time I think I've worked out the logic of it all, like the magic system and the character arcs, I keep on finding more logical errors I hadn't noticed that break large chunks of the whole effing book, and after a while of that it's felt incredibly discouraging, like I've just been spinning my wheels making no progress at all despite the fact that I know my book keeps making more sense with every problem I fix. Holy *crap* does it amaze me that there are so many novels out there, because writing one can be flipping difficult! Plot holes are a major pet peeve of mine, but I understand why so many stories have them now.

Yet another part of what contributed to the emotional breakdown was recognizing that I've plateaued with my drawing skill with my left hand, which is infuriating. Drawing to me is like dancing, but I can't dance when I can't even draw a straight line at most angles. I'm fighting with my own clumsiness the whole way and it's just difficult. A battle. Which is exhausting.

So yeah... all of this stuff collapsed on me at once and I've been struggling to pick myself back up from it for a couple months. :(

I'm just tired, and my mental health needs tending to because it's gotten to the point where I can barely even get started working anymore each time I try to. I've been using distraction as a coping mechanism almost every waking minute for years, so it's not surprising that I have some work to do on the mental health front.

There is some good news, though. I've become able to do a very small amount of drawing with my right hand again, but it's so little all I can safely manage is to whip out quick sketches that I clean up with my left hand. There've been a few panels I sketched with my right hand here and there mixed in the previous few updates, but I didn't want to say anything about it until I'd managed it for a while.

Regardless, it's an improvement... but still marginal.

I need to rethink my process, stop using the hope of financial success as motivation and just enjoy the process, enjoy creating. And take care of the other things that need doing too.

As such, I'm taking some time off working on art for a while. I don't know how long it'll be. But I'll keep trying. Because my creative projects are some of the only things I have left that have any meaning or bring me happiness anymore, so I'll fight to regain my ability to work on them.

Thanks and I'll get back to it as soon as I can manage.

Journal History

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2016
Yep. It can reduce the pain a little, but it does not solve the problem.
Reply
:iconelfspark:
elfspark Featured By Owner May 3, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Llama Emoji-39 (Eager) [V2] 

Tag a quality deviant, You’re it! Quality doesn’t mean that you 
have a lot of followers, or a lot of messages. It means that you’re nice to other people, and you deserve to be happy. If you get this message, someone is telling you that they love you as you are, and they don’t care how much followers you have. Send this to 10 deviants who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. But it’s just good to let someone know that you love them<3
Reply
:iconnakurmin:
NaKurmin Featured By Owner May 1, 2016
You have a really nice art style. I would love to learn it if that would be alright with you.
Reply
:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2016
So how are the hands doing?
Reply
:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2016
Not nearly as well as I want. I tried drawing today and couldn't even manage 15 minutes worth. :(
Reply
:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2016
Did you see yesterday episode of supergirl
Reply
:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2016
Did you see this week episode of supergirl
Reply
:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Edited Mar 27, 2016
Yeah. Supergirl's certainly got her self-control back. If that happened while she was affected by the red kryptonite she would have been smackin' punks around
Reply
:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2016
Not mention it was very traumatic for supergirl 
Reply
:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2016
But did you see what happened to supergirl in this week episode 
Reply
Add a Comment: