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Amirai

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So, sorry I haven't updated for a while. The reason is because basically, I've given up on hope. It's been a long time that I've been trying to deny it, but I can't anymore. I've been screwed and my health problems are only going to get marginally better at best. Many of the things I want most, like having the ability to work more than a smidgen, listen to music more than a very small amount, to have a relationship again... are just probably not going to happen. And that is an effing *brutal* thing to have to accept. I have to find some way to enjoy life despite my predicament, but... honestly, I don't know how to with how little I'm capable of and how I have to fight against blockades and difficulty almost every step of the way for even simple tasks.

I was also still holding onto some hope that somehow, through one of my projects I could crawl my way out of poverty. But though people like my stuff, I just can't work enough each day to succeed. Maybe someday my novels will become popular, but the first of them is still a ways away - which that was another component of my emotional breakdown because I've hit that awful place in writing novels where it gets incredibly hard. Every time I think I've worked out the logic of it all, like the magic system and the character arcs, I keep on finding more logical errors I hadn't noticed that break large chunks of the whole effing book, and after a while of that it's felt incredibly discouraging, like I've just been spinning my wheels making no progress at all despite the fact that I know my book keeps making more sense with every problem I fix. Holy *crap* does it amaze me that there are so many novels out there, because writing one can be flipping difficult! Plot holes are a major pet peeve of mine, but I understand why so many stories have them now.

Yet another part of what contributed to the emotional breakdown was recognizing that I've plateaued with my drawing skill with my left hand, which is infuriating. Drawing to me is like dancing, but I can't dance when I can't even draw a straight line at most angles. I'm fighting with my own clumsiness the whole way and it's just difficult. A battle. Which is exhausting.

So yeah... all of this stuff collapsed on me at once and I've been struggling to pick myself back up from it for a couple months. :(

I'm just tired, and my mental health needs tending to because it's gotten to the point where I can barely even get started working anymore each time I try to. I've been using distraction as a coping mechanism almost every waking minute for years, so it's not surprising that I have some work to do on the mental health front.

There is some good news, though. I've become able to do a very small amount of drawing with my right hand again, but it's so little all I can safely manage is to whip out quick sketches that I clean up with my left hand. There've been a few panels I sketched with my right hand here and there mixed in the previous few updates, but I didn't want to say anything about it until I'd managed it for a while.

Regardless, it's an improvement... but still marginal.

I need to rethink my process, stop using the hope of financial success as motivation and just enjoy the process, enjoy creating. And take care of the other things that need doing too.

As such, I'm taking some time off working on art for a while. I don't know how long it'll be. But I'll keep trying. Because my creative projects are some of the only things I have left that have any meaning or bring me happiness anymore, so I'll fight to regain my ability to work on them.

Thanks and I'll get back to it as soon as I can manage.

Journal History

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:iconrdj1995:
RDJ1995 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2019  Student Filmographer
I wanted to be the first to wish you a very 
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:icontalentgonebad:
talentgonebad Featured By Owner May 25, 2019
This is late and i don't know if you check here anymore, but i only just found you thru a friend to the Kyoshi comic. Your art and movement and sense for visual storytelling are stunning. I'm sorry about your health. I have some experience there, sadly. Please don't give up hope. New technology for the disabled in the arts keeps coming along. But pursuing other arts is wonderful as well. Again, i'm sorry. I know words are no comfort. I believe as long as there's that gift inside you it WILL come out and the world is better because it touched those who saw it. Thank you. Good luck to you.
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:iconazrialskeith:
AzrialSkeith Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2018
Hey, you might want to read this news about an official Kyoshi novel...

ew.com/books/2018/08/29/avatar…
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:iconmr-redx:
mr-redx Featured By Owner Edited Sep 27, 2017  Student General Artist
Hey! Just wanted to say I admire your Young Kyoshi idea! Always nice to meet another Avatar fan!
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:iconaceina:
aceina Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2017
how are you these days
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:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
Haven't managed to heal my right hand, but I've been able to work a small amount with my left hand. I've been continuing to work on my novel, but will have something art-related to show soon.
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:iconaceina:
aceina Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
thats good just glad your ok
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:iconknowledgeseeker01:
Knowledgeseeker01 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2016
Are you still in pain?  What is the status of your Kyoshi comic?
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:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2016
My hand doesn't hurt most of the time but the tendons in my palm are still a long ways away from healed. I wrote a journal with a more detailed answer and update on my various projects here: amirai.deviantart.com/journal/…
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