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About Deviant Artist AmiraiUnited States Recent Activity
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Favourites

fAIRY fLIES by Quirkilicious fAIRY fLIES :iconquirkilicious:Quirkilicious 4,893 156 Black Bat by Psuede Black Bat :iconpsuede:Psuede 820 24 Blue Glow by sakimichan Blue Glow :iconsakimichan:sakimichan 15,915 355 Dragon's Breath by 88grzes Dragon's Breath :icon88grzes:88grzes 15,959 517 Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni by TysonTan Bei Jing Huan Ying Ni :icontysontan:TysonTan 17,135 1,528 the bus is late by megatruh the bus is late :iconmegatruh:megatruh 8,044 295 Azure flower dragon by AlviaAlcedo Azure flower dragon :iconalviaalcedo:AlviaAlcedo 2,171 82 Cloud Regatta by RHADS Cloud Regatta :iconrhads:RHADS 2,886 63 Morning Veil by Smattila Morning Veil :iconsmattila:Smattila 155 20 Pierian spring by RHADS Pierian spring :iconrhads:RHADS 5,785 140 Cat's Soul by RHADS Cat's Soul :iconrhads:RHADS 4,197 140 Sweet Morning by RHADS Sweet Morning :iconrhads:RHADS 3,647 167 Speedpaint 100 by RHADS Speedpaint 100 :iconrhads:RHADS 4,648 98 Commission: Above The Clouds by RHADS Commission: Above The Clouds :iconrhads:RHADS 3,756 103 Za Drovami by RHADS Za Drovami :iconrhads:RHADS 4,411 146 Great Migration by RHADS Great Migration :iconrhads:RHADS 4,018 89

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Amirai

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United States
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So, sorry I haven't updated for a while. The reason is because basically, I've given up on hope. It's been a long time that I've been trying to deny it, but I can't anymore. I've been screwed and my health problems are only going to get marginally better at best. Many of the things I want most, like having the ability to work more than a smidgen, listen to music more than a very small amount, to have a relationship again... are just probably not going to happen. And that is an effing *brutal* thing to have to accept. I have to find some way to enjoy life despite my predicament, but... honestly, I don't know how to with how little I'm capable of and how I have to fight against blockades and difficulty almost every step of the way for even simple tasks.

I was also still holding onto some hope that somehow, through one of my projects I could crawl my way out of poverty. But though people like my stuff, I just can't work enough each day to succeed. Maybe someday my novels will become popular, but the first of them is still a ways away - which that was another component of my emotional breakdown because I've hit that awful place in writing novels where it gets incredibly hard. Every time I think I've worked out the logic of it all, like the magic system and the character arcs, I keep on finding more logical errors I hadn't noticed that break large chunks of the whole effing book, and after a while of that it's felt incredibly discouraging, like I've just been spinning my wheels making no progress at all despite the fact that I know my book keeps making more sense with every problem I fix. Holy *crap* does it amaze me that there are so many novels out there, because writing one can be flipping difficult! Plot holes are a major pet peeve of mine, but I understand why so many stories have them now.

Yet another part of what contributed to the emotional breakdown was recognizing that I've plateaued with my drawing skill with my left hand, which is infuriating. Drawing to me is like dancing, but I can't dance when I can't even draw a straight line at most angles. I'm fighting with my own clumsiness the whole way and it's just difficult. A battle. Which is exhausting.

So yeah... all of this stuff collapsed on me at once and I've been struggling to pick myself back up from it for a couple months. :(

I'm just tired, and my mental health needs tending to because it's gotten to the point where I can barely even get started working anymore each time I try to. I've been using distraction as a coping mechanism almost every waking minute for years, so it's not surprising that I have some work to do on the mental health front.

There is some good news, though. I've become able to do a very small amount of drawing with my right hand again, but it's so little all I can safely manage is to whip out quick sketches that I clean up with my left hand. There've been a few panels I sketched with my right hand here and there mixed in the previous few updates, but I didn't want to say anything about it until I'd managed it for a while.

Regardless, it's an improvement... but still marginal.

I need to rethink my process, stop using the hope of financial success as motivation and just enjoy the process, enjoy creating. And take care of the other things that need doing too.

As such, I'm taking some time off working on art for a while. I don't know how long it'll be. But I'll keep trying. Because my creative projects are some of the only things I have left that have any meaning or bring me happiness anymore, so I'll fight to regain my ability to work on them.

Thanks and I'll get back to it as soon as I can manage.

Journal History

Comments


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:iconazrialskeith:
AzrialSkeith Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2018
Hey, you might want to read this news about an official Kyoshi novel...

ew.com/books/2018/08/29/avatar…
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:iconmr-redx:
mr-redx Featured By Owner Edited Sep 27, 2017  Student General Artist
Hey! Just wanted to say I admire your Young Kyoshi idea! Always nice to meet another Avatar fan!
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:iconaceina:
aceina Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2017
how are you these days
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:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
Haven't managed to heal my right hand, but I've been able to work a small amount with my left hand. I've been continuing to work on my novel, but will have something art-related to show soon.
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:iconaceina:
aceina Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017
thats good just glad your ok
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:iconknowledgeseeker01:
Knowledgeseeker01 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2016
Are you still in pain?  What is the status of your Kyoshi comic?
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:iconamirai:
Amirai Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2016
My hand doesn't hurt most of the time but the tendons in my palm are still a long ways away from healed. I wrote a journal with a more detailed answer and update on my various projects here: amirai.deviantart.com/journal/…
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:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2016
What about a tying bandages around your hands
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:iconcda95:
cda95 Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2016
Have you try putting some ice on your hands
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