Hi... I'm broken. Im so incredibly anxious and depressed, laying in bed and can't sleep. This happens regularly. I've stopped posting on fb, I've stopped sharing myself, I've gotten so little confidence and self esteem I can't seem to talk or communicate anymore. I have nobody to talk to about feeling bad. Im dying, I can feel it, and I'm too scared to do anything about it, I'm terrified to make a decision because I have little to no confidence in any choice I would make. This is horrible. I then have anxiety, the same id get as a child not doing my math when I knew I should be doing it. This anxiety it's screaming at me to get up, work out, progress, make your life better, be perfect, get a better job, open up to your friends, and im scared, and it turns abusive, and verbal, get the fuck up, nobody would hire you with your current talents, you don't even try, no girl is going to like you, you don't even have your own place, or a real fucking job, the reason you don't have anybody to turn to is you pushed em away with your stupid mental issues and depression, your like a fucking skipping record of a crying baby. Nobody likes you, you're fat and ugly! Even fat and ugly people get girlfriends though! Maybe because they actually have jobs. You know you're going to be alone forever right? And it's your own fucking fault, you make me sick, why the fuck I got stuck with your
Bullshit body. Till sometimes im crying and literally screaming for it to stop and SHUT THE FUCK UP! I beg friends to help me, they acknowledge im fucked up then ignore me, I don't even tell them this much, it just pushes them away. I get so absolutely nauseous and sick about it. There is a small collection of artists in my community and I want to be their friends so bad but they talk with me nicely at events but I mean nothing to them. These are the only people I feel i have any workable grounds for a friendship and none of them will come over, draw with me, invite me anywhere. I see all these relationships and friendships and I want that so bad it breaks my heart and I feel sick. I'm too scared to try and when I do im so anxious and I know I'm not good enough. I have immensely vivid dreams, borderline astral projecting or lucid dreaming, I live lives, I make friends, I have crushes, I wake up sometimes and cry like I've lost a lover I've spent years with and I'll never see again. I try to play the piano, but get discouraged easily, I work in maya trying to build enough skill to get a real career someday, I download stupid apps and try to talk to girls and watch videos about how to talk to girls etc, to try to make myself calm enough to not sound like im retarded when I do find somebody I like, I go swimming a lot to try to get down to a perfect 6 pack abs body so somebody will think im attractive, I eat healthy and I cook a lot. But it's never enough, and inevitably I find myself awake again at 3 am, unable to sleep, mentally, emotionally, and even physically being abused by myself till im crying and upset and screaming for it to fucking stop, unable to call anyone, text anyone or open up to anyone. I'm in so much pain, I'm incredibly unhappy, lonely and scared. I've stopped painting, I've stopped drawing. I'm 30 now and I feel like nobody is ever going to want me for any reason. This is more than I can handle alone, I need friends to help me, I need support, but that simply doesn't exist and I'm more or less completely incapable of building anything appropriate now. I don't have insurance at all and on top of not getting therapy there are an increasing number of physical side effects that are beginning to show up from the stress and abuse. Suicidal thoughts are pretty regular, self esteem is near non existent, my confidence is so low that even at parties or events where im completely wearing a mask and feeding off of others energy, tears and crying are constantly just beneath the surface, like I could turn away, particularly from something somebody says to me, and be instantly crying and suicidal. This is fucked up. It feels like, I had a couple cuts on my leg, and i tried to tell people and they told me i was fine, they'd go away, over the years, they didn't, they got worse, and I mentioned it some more, I don't think this is right, it hurts, I can see the bone! And again, you're fine, you're just growing up, find some friends by joining a group. Given little advice. Couple years later same thing... at this point, my ankles are fucking snapped, tendons are hanging off my leg, there are big gashes shredding my leg muscles and they are infected, one of my eyes has clouded over and swollen shut, and I can't hear out of my ears most days, and can't open my mouth, I drink meal replacement drinks because it's too painful to eat, my bed is soaked with blood and both my arms appear to be broken and healed so many times they are crooked and misshapen, I'm missing some fingers completely, and I'm fucking screaming and crying for help from anywhere, and I get scared people shying away, friends who just don't want to deal with it or don't even know where to start and a whole bunch of people telling me to walk it off, go to a dr, told that it's my own fault and I deserve it, I could be fine if I wanted to be... and nobody seems to see that im literally mangled, it's a literal shock that I'm even still alive, or realize that I am in way over my head and this is completely out of my control... but the worst fucking thing that hurts more than anything, is that nobody seems to see any value in helping me get better. I am so worthless they can't see who I could be. They don't even think I can be fixed anymore, i want to argue and tell then im worth saving and im worth something, but just typing this stupid journal entry that will literally go un read and misunderstood is painful enough with only one broken thumb...
I need help. I'm not kidding, I'm not joking, I'm miserable, please somebody help me.
Please help me.