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I've been talking to the people on the support group more and more lately. These people are just....amazing. I am getting emails and IM's from people saying "I understand how you feel. None of my family and friends really understand what its like to feel so crappy every day. They think its all in my head. What kind of life is this? I just didn't imagine life to be like this. This is no way to live and we are too young!"

This is exactly how I feel, verbatium. It is endlessly heartbreaking to feel so awful all the time. Yes, it physically hurts my physical heart, but emotionally, the pain is more than I ever expected, and much worse than I was prepared for.

The day I was told by my neurologist that he doesn't expect me to get better, and that there really is no treatment, I just have to deal with this, I felt devistated. I was talking about it with Christopher and upon asking me how I feel, I burst into tears and I said "I feel like a cancer paitent." I feel like there's this thing fucking with my body and my mind making me an absolute basket case, and there is *nothing* I can do about it.

I apologize for bringing this up so frequently, but I feel as though I am finally starting to heal the emotional damage. For months I'd been wandering around feeling like a lunatic, out of control, and completely, irreversably, fucked up. I feel as though with the help of these people, I am finally begining to understand and heal.

These past several months have been amazingly enlightening. I understand now how people can go completely insane, and kill 30 people with a machine gun because they were insensative assholes. I understand how and why people go postal. This all makes perfect sense to me.

For quite a while, I've been feeling suicidal. I've been feeling hopeless. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. I'm tired of feeling crappy all the time. I'm tired of crying because I feel weak and worthless.

Plain and simple, what's the point of living if you cannot enjoy your life? It is no way to live to constantly be in pain. I can't walk upstairs without pain. I wake up sometimes, and the first thing I feel in the morning is an upset stomach, and palpitations, and shooting pain down my spine, and a migraine. I go to a friend's house to hang out with 5 of my friends, and I spend the entire next day in bed recovering because it takes so much energy to be social and awake, that it completely wears me down.

I see the people I love and care about do these things I wish I could do. Like go to college full time, walk around campus, go hiking, go for a jog, go work out, go to a party with a bunch of friends, go dancing, whatever. And I feel as though I'm left outside of this world. I am stuck and I am trapped behind a big, thick, glass door that I am incapable of breaking through. It's....such a weird feeling to be part of this world, but not really be part of this world.  

I've been trying to find new things I enjoy, and do more of what I do enjoy. I try to take more photos, and write more poems, and be around the people I love, and read books I like, and play some games I like, but knowing that I can't work, and knowing that I cannot walk around so much, and knowing I may feel like this for a very long time to come, makes me feel so incredibly worthless, weak, and depressed.

I try not to be upset, and I try to be strong, and I try to be happy. The fact of the matter, is that I'm way too entirely stubborn and proud to kill myself over something as pesky as a health problem.

But God knows, the idea is very tempting on the bad days. On the way to my neurologist's apointment, we were nearly in a car accident. My grandmother hadn't seen the car that was merging into our lane. In a split second, I had thought about keeping my mouth shut. I had thought about us rolling off the road, and rolling the car down the hill, and the smushed metal, and the shattered windows, and it sounded so incredibly blissful that I nearly let them hit us. I almost kept my mouth shut. I almost let the car get totaled. But at the very last split second I possibly had, I thought that maybe this doctor would be able to fix me, and in that moment, I didn't want to die anymore. So I screamed, and Gran realized what was going on, and she evaded the accident. We got to the doctors, and no, he cannot fix me. It's not expected that anybody really can, and the whole ride home, I was praying again for another potential car accident.

C'est la vie. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm obviously not going anywhere. ^_^ I'm healing. I'm nearly out of this depressed state that I've been living in for nearly a year.
  • Listening to: Stone Temple Pilots
  • Reading: Still have no books to read
  • Drinking: water
Alright, so, I haven't updated in a long time. Here's the news:

I don't use my Deviant Art much anymore. I've been nearly bed-ridden for a while. It takes a lot of effort for me to be able to do things anymore. I have pretty much let my comic/cartoon die because I have no energy to offer it. If only I were friends with an animator! I want to make a cartoon of Mushroom Porn. I think it'd be hysterical, but I don't know where to start.

My heart condition has been diagnosed as a dysautonomia. There is no cure. I might get better with time, but more than likely, I will just get worse. I am now technically "disabled." I have found an online support group for people with my condition because it's kind of rare, and there is nothing the medical community can do to help. These people are amazing. They show such complete kindness to those around them. I don't even see that much support from people that are healthy, let alone people that are in constant pain, confined to wheel chairs when they're in their mid 20's, and running on empty. This is not where I expected to be in my very early 20's. I feel heart broken, betrayed, lost, confused, and empty, but I do what I can to keep myself going.

In light of everything, I have faith in myself and my strength, and I refuse to let something as pesky as a autonomic nervous system disorder stop me from enjoying part of my life. I've been writing a lot of poetry. Nearly 1 poem a day. I have over 100. I suppose I'll get those posted up here soon. I've been working on a manuscript, but like the Mushroom Porn concept, I don't know where to go to get it published, or even if anybody is interested enough in my work to publish it. I have had several people tell me how much they want a book of my poems, so I finally started working on it, and I have had a lot of support from some total strangers.  

I took one class at college this past semester. It's slow going, but I am determined to eventually graduate with my BFA even in light of these disabling heart conditions. I'm moving back to Santa Fe in May of 2008 and transfering to the College of Santa Fe, hopefully, to finish my BFA.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. He's a premed student, and he is by far the best thing that has happened to me. The warmth, and compassion, and utter complete kindness he offers me is a bigger gift than I've ever known. I am truly blessed.

My photos are on my flickr page now.… I use myspace for a lot of other things now.

If anybody wants to get a hold of me, I'm on AIM. SquishedLizard.

My blessings to all of you.
  • Listening to: Steely Dan
  • Reading: Actually, I am out of things to read...
  • Eating: Bagel
  • Drinking: Mountain Dew
In light of my recent surgery and heart trouble, I was inspired to create a series of "works" based upon it. I'll upload them as they come.
I'm going in for my heart surgery from Sunday until Tuesday, at the earliest. Maybe as late as Thursday. I hope to be back to my normal self soon, and I'll post again with an update on how the proceedure went.
Introducing Mushroom Porn over at…

Mushroom Porn is a comic with these little creatures who live in mushrooms, worship a salamander and pretty much spend their time high as a fucking kite. Check it out! Lemme know what you think. :) Cheers!
I'd have so much fun if I were Dracula. Or had Dracula's powers. As it was noted earlier in the evening, yeah, there'd be some draw backs like that whole daylight thing, but if you think about it, it'd just be sweet.

Okay, yeah, you'd have to drink blood, and be a guy, but I'd be doing that jump 40 feet straight up with a billowy coat like it's going out of style. How cool would that be???

We were watching Dracula 2000 earlier. Not a bad movie all things considered. I didn't like the ending much. She, Mary Van Helsing (yeah, Aby had a kid apparently) finds out that Dracula was really Judas. Alright, I can go with that. Judas sold Jesus for $31. Jesus was crucified. Judas felt bad, and hung himself. That's just about accurate to the bible apparently. Whine whine whine, end of Judas. Alright? In this movie, God get's pissed that Judas is killing himself, and breaks the rope, cursing him to walk the earth for eternity, feeding on the blood of other people.

Look at me...still going with this.

So in this flick, Mary decides that she can kill Dracula by hanging him because that's how he kinda almost didn't die before. So here we've got this building in New Orleans, Dracula hanging from a cable attached to a neon pink cross (glowing, mind you). And this apparently kills him.

Alright, now I don't get that. I'm sorry, but in my head (and that's the only head we're concerned with here you perverts) that's not plausable. The real Dracula, having great upper body strength would have been like "" Reached up, let go of the cable, and drifted down all Mr. Billowy-Billowy-Coat-Man. That's my biggest gripe with the flick. Well, that, and I don't like Dracula dying.

But think about it!!! He must get ass left and right with that cool "come to me darling" power he's got goin' on. I'd have fun if I were Dracula. Fly around freaking people out. Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Off to dream world with me.
In light of my birthday, and as a presant, my family, (grandparents, brother, uncle, cousin and I) went to the Sterling Renn Faire on the hudson. It's a pretty little place, and definately entertaining.

I have posted the pictures here.

In the meantime, I'm exhausted and need to eat and then crash. Provide I remember, I'll post more 'bout this later! :-)
So I've been having this problem with the server for my website - The place that hosts me changed providers, and now only about 50% of the people that used to go there can get there anymore. It's quite annoying. I don't like it. In fact, it's irritating as all hell. There are people that can't see my blog that used to read it every day. There's people that can't approve me for affiliate programs (like because they can't see my damn website because of this stupid server issue.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what's causing it, and I don't know why it started, but I am *not* happy about it at all. Not in the smallest, slightest bit.

So, if any of you are feeling bored and a bit helpful, would you do me a favour?

Go to my website ( and if it let's you in, sign my guestmap so I know how many people are actually getting in that far?

I'd be ever so thankful.
Your whole life is about discovering who you already are, or at least that's what they say. Education can be a beautiful thing, but they don't teach you this in school. They don't teach you this at the State University of New York - School of engineering and technology.

Plato says there are some people, (the lucky few it would seem) who have already lived, and they have already learned life's lessons. It seems people like that already have some sort of divine and profound wisdom to offer the world. But this too goes untaught.

And while your literature professor Bob Albrecht touched your life in more ways than you know, he never taught you how to figure out who you already are, but maybe something even better. While everybody else was saying the events in your life shape you, and turn you into who you are destined to become, Albrecht was teaching you how to open the doors, and allow yourself to be exposed.

About 2 years ago, someone walked into my life, and opened one door after another. One heavy oak door at a time, and I was exposed to various parts of my soul that I was totally unaware of. Dormant, almost....Like a bear in hibernation, mayhaps. Parts of my personality came rushing out in a flood.

I needed him in my life; I needed to see anger, and irrational thinking. It was one of the hardest parts of my life, and I needed it. I needed to feel stuck, as I did for so long. I felt as though there was no escape, and no hope for me just because I was in a relationship that had become both emotionally abusive, and emotionally dependent. - This is not just his fault. I take blame here as well.

An amazing thing happened when we got into our last big argument, and I called the police. I FELT BETTER. I felt as though there was hope for me...I felt as though I wasn't stuck. I felt as though I had options...Like I could break off the relationship, and not get murdered. I have been terrified of breaking off the relationship. Partly because I thought I'd get hurt, and partly because I would miss him.

They don't teach you this shit in college. 6 years, 2 schools, 2 time zones, split across 1 brain, and you still don't learn how to deal with the emotions of others. Experience goes a long way; your entire life isn't dictated by how much time you spend at a university.

I wish I remembered when exactly I entered this dark place. Or that dark place, as it is now past tense. I think we all go there at one point in our life. Better I go there young, than old. My dark place was kind of scary. I was always thinking of suicide, and I was messing around with black magik. I even cut my wrists several times. And it was never a suicide attempt, or a cry for help. It was punishment. I had entered a place psychologically that was so beyond fucked up, I thought I was a bad person. I thought I was inferior, and I *needed* to be punished. Nobody would do it, so I did it myself.

The way I was feeling was totally, and completely absurd in every way, shape and form. I felt like what was going on with us could only be treated, or cured, or fought by...whatever, by punishing myself. It is absurd to blame your actions on others. "You drive me to drink." "You make me cut my wrists." --I think we all do this at one point or another. I have learned it is wrong to say that, but rather, say "You make me feel..." or "Your actions make me feel...." We are all in control of our decisions, and resonably in control of our faculties.

I provoked him, and he provokes me. The instant, however, that anybody raises a violent hand, the situation becomes disrespectful. We got past the point where excuses could be made. Reasons are one thing, but excuses enter the realm of manipulation, and this itself is a reason to end the relationship. We both started being jealous, and possessive, and it should have ended.

I don't know what his reasons were for continuing a relationship with me, or trying to, but as for me.... I thought if I was good, if I was there, and if I was tolerant, and compassionate, our relationship would change. He would change....he would work through his issues, and become happy. I thought if I couldn't do that, I was a failure, so I kept trying, and trying, and trying, because that's what I thought was required.

The more I tried, the more I failed, and consequently, the more I cut my wrists, got trashed, smoked pot, and did hydrocodone and coke. He didn't make me; my actions were my own decisions. It was my way of coping with my failure.
If we exist only in our thoughts, and through our thoughts, and somebody else (a mind reader for instance)has our thoughts, we exist in them. If we exist through our expressions, and passions, and we unleash them unto the world, then those who view the expressions, would thus have part of our soul. In which case, what need is there for us?
Love lies bleeding
and broken on the floor
screaming nonsense
to the disgraced
and utterly worthless
sounds of redemption
whenever we fall
and hit the floor
I have become lost again
Every feeling I get
makes it all go away
A small child
a girl with hair the softest
and eyes the biggest blue
leans foward on her mother's shoulder
and waves at the little faerie
dancing on her mother's shoulder
she was crushed
and withered
but she laid there anyway
one barefoot
after the other
climbing up
hand over hand
over and over
as high as she can go
she looks down on the world  below her
too young to understand
the meaning of it
and the passion in the leaves
they're falling
and she dances
clapping joyously
until the tree starts to sway
The snow fall today was wonderful. It started silently falling last night while I was here, at work, and then continued through 'til the early morning hours. I think it's hard, sometimes, to remember to be appreciative of your surroundings. I sometimes find myself slacking in that department. I took some pictures Wednesday morning of the beautiful snowfall. :camera: They have been posted.
Is Macintosh demonic???

"Consider Apple's choice for its corporate symbol? The company's logo is an apple that has had a bite taken out of it. To many occult insiders, this signifies that the eating of the forbidden fruit (symbolically, the apple) by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden was a good thing. Occultists and New Agers teach that taking a bite out of the apple gave the first two humans knowledge, or gnosis, putting them on the path to self-divinity and godhood.
      Apple Computers was cofounded in the 70s by Stephen Jobs, a weird, New Age guru-type, and Steven Wozniak, also an advocate of the Aquarian Age culture. When entrepreneurs Jobs and Wozniak first marketed their earliest, crude personal computer, they put a price tag of $666 on the product."
Well, there's not a whole lot to say right now. I'm just kind of thinking....


Thoughts are good.

Someone I know read my journal. My book journal. My bound, "Don't ever touch me if you want to keep your fingers" journal.

I feel almost violated, and it seems kind of absurd, but that's how I feel... is now up and running, my art site.
Taken from AzteCrose

Thirteen random things you like in no particular order:

1. Friends
2. Computers
3. People
4. Cars
5. Motorcycles
6. Music
7. Art
8. Books
9. Coffee
10. Children
11. AlexMaryol (
12. Candles
13. Inspiration

Twelve movies:
1. The Cabinet Of Dr Calligari
2. Boondock Saints
3. The Thomas Crown Affair
4. Catch Me If You Can
5. Amelie
6. Gladiator
7. Schindler's List
8. The Kill Bill Movies
9. Nightmare Before Christmas
10. Chocolat
11. Lethal Weapon Movies
12. French Kiss

Eleven good bands or singers/musicians:
1. Tool
2. Evanessence
3. Alex Maryol
4. Bo Diddly
5. Iggy Pop
6. Nine Inch Nails
7. Nirvana
8. Stone Temple Pilots
9. Robert Johnson
10. Howlin' Wolf
11. AC/DC

Ten goals
1. Stop biting my toungue. . . literally.
2. Finish "Kitchen Confidential"
3. Get the skirt for my halloween costume
4. Finish Flash
5. Write more
6. Paint more
7. Spend more time with children
8. Yell at my asshole boss
9. finish my cup of coffee
10. Brush my hair

Nine things about you
1. Fucked up colored hair
2. Blue eyes
3. 5'6
4. incredibly pale skin... practically no color.
5. Geek
6. Art fag
7. Enneagram 8
9. Outgoing

Eight favorite drinks:
1. Water
2. Beer
3. Coffee
4. Coffee
5. Wine
6. Tequila
7. Tea
8. Mountain Dew

Seven things you wear daily:
1. Watch
2. Ring
3. Shoes
4. Necklace
5. earings
6. hat
7. shirt

Six things you don't like:
1. People
2. People
3. Technology
4. People
5. People
6. My fucking asshole boss...

Five favorite foods:
1. Anything vietnamiese
2. Jalapenos
3. Coffee
4. Coffee
5. Tea

Four sites you visit everyday:

Three celebrities you have a crush on:
1. Johnny Depp
2. Sean Connery
3. Alfred Molina

Two things you come in contact with everyday:
1. Bed
2. Computer

One song you like right now:
1. Korn - "Clown"
when i was a young girl the rain used to pound my thoughts, but when i walked with you, i wanted to dance. keep gazing to the stars, for that is where we will find me.