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literature

Theme 4: Memory

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By AlyyBabii954   |   Watch
26 39 2K (1 Today)
Published: August 31, 2010
She looks into the mirror
And her thoughts became clearer:
Her scars will remain forever,
Her happiness, she will surrender.

These memories, they haunt her;
Why couldn't things be how they were?
Before, we had a love like no other,
Living life in technicolor.

But now, things have changed,
And things have been arranged
To keep us far apart,
But no matter what, you're always in my heart.
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False Reality
For a moment I envision, for a moment I dream. That I'm something I can never be. So please don't wake me. For a moment I believe, for a moment I imagine. Something I can never have. So please don't wake me. Leave me now. Let me be... In my... False reality.
I
I Can't Let You Know...
I want to tell you I love you But I'm not exactly sure how I want to tell you I care about you And I want to tell you now I want you to know I'll be there I want you to trust in me I want to be someone you count on I just wish there's some way you could see It doesn't matter and I don't care Because whenever I am with you There's no one else that can compare There's so much I want to tell you And I'm going to keep it real I want to say what's on my mind And I want to tell you how I feel But I'm afraid that if you find out Our relationship won't be the same And if I mess up our friendship I'll be the only one
h
how cliche
bullets lies are tip-toeing across my lips shrapnel touches caress my skin you know that you're killing me it's okay if you want to hurt me i'm locked away with my skeleton key turning my ribcage my heart's too big for my chest words are getting caught up in my fingers if you want to hurt me that's fine i'm just a masochist with no other way to dig myself out of this infamous mania white someone else lives inside my skin behind my skin i'm shaking my thoughts are murky milk of magnesium i crave blueberry schnapps my blood alcohol content is entirely too low get through today, my shoulders are to heavy invisible wings p
© 2010 - 2019 AlyyBabii954
Parents are annoying -_-
Recommended Literature
F
False Reality
For a moment I envision, for a moment I dream. That I'm something I can never be. So please don't wake me. For a moment I believe, for a moment I imagine. Something I can never have. So please don't wake me. Leave me now. Let me be... In my... False reality.
I
I Can't Let You Know...
I want to tell you I love you But I'm not exactly sure how I want to tell you I care about you And I want to tell you now I want you to know I'll be there I want you to trust in me I want to be someone you count on I just wish there's some way you could see It doesn't matter and I don't care Because whenever I am with you There's no one else that can compare There's so much I want to tell you And I'm going to keep it real I want to say what's on my mind And I want to tell you how I feel But I'm afraid that if you find out Our relationship won't be the same And if I mess up our friendship I'll be the only one
h
how cliche
bullets lies are tip-toeing across my lips shrapnel touches caress my skin you know that you're killing me it's okay if you want to hurt me i'm locked away with my skeleton key turning my ribcage my heart's too big for my chest words are getting caught up in my fingers if you want to hurt me that's fine i'm just a masochist with no other way to dig myself out of this infamous mania white someone else lives inside my skin behind my skin i'm shaking my thoughts are murky milk of magnesium i crave blueberry schnapps my blood alcohol content is entirely too low get through today, my shoulders are to heavy invisible wings p
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Comments (35)
KissTheSkyKayla's avatar
KissTheSkyKayla|Student General Artist
"Before, we had a love like no other,
Living life in technicolor."
I love those lines, you're amazing!
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Aw, you're amazing :D
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thatbennyguy's avatar
Hey there AlyyBabii954 ^_^ Benny here!

There are things I liked about Theme 4: Memory, and things I didn't like about the poem. One thing I liked was that it had a logical flow, and the reader could follow it nicely. The idea of memories concretely symbolising how things were was a good idea. Some ideas and concepts were unclear to me, however, even after a second look. Also, some of the terms and ideas you use were a little cliche or overused, and I believe you could have used a more original and vibrant update on the original. It was good though. Here we go!

The poem logically flowed. She went from contemplating the past in the first paragraph to regret in the second, to longing and even resolution in the third. My favourite line from this poem is "But now, things have changed", encouraging the reader that this poem is actually taking you somewhere ^_^ The logical flow of the poem makes it easy to read, well done.

The title of the poem is Memory, and this is well alluded to in the OHHHHH SNAP I just realised what this poem was about. Your parents are keeping you two apart hehe how sweet ^_^ Anyway, the title of this poem is Memory, and you use this idea quite a lot in this poem, which makes it consistent all the way through ^_^. All the way from "her thoughts become clearer" to "these memories they haunt here" to "you're always in my heart" it's all about the process of remembering how your heart was broken :P. Anyway, it is a very sweet poem and I thoroughly enjoyed it :).

Some things were unclear though, and took away from the immersion of the reader in the poem. It is the type of unclarity that hppens when you use words that sound nice, but I struggled to find the meaning for. Such as "her happiness, she will surrender"; i was struggling to find out whom did she surrender her happiness, to the parents or to the skies. When you say "her scars will reamin forever", we aren't sure which scars the poem means, in particular. If you removed this unclarity, then we could get more involved with the poem.

Some of the phrases used in the poem were a little bit cliche, or cheesy. This increases the cringe factor in the reader, which is mostly tolerable to a certain degree, but sometimes it hurts ^_^ Phrases like "we had a love like no other" and "you're always in my heart" make for soppy love songs, but most people prefer newer ways of saying the same thing. Maybe "we had a love like my great aunt's brother" or "you're always in my aorta" or something. Actually, never mind. Just cut the cheese, if you know what I mean. :P

Overall, I actually like this. It's got a nice flow, and a great theme: Memory. Some phrases were either unclear or cliche, but I believe that it won't take much editing to take this great poem one level higher. I loved it.

Thanks for sharing! Drive safe! ^_^

1. Logical flow
2. Memories: good analogy
3. Some things unclear
4. Cringeworthy material





PROS: When you look into the mirror, things do become clearer
She assumes that her scars will remain forever
We assume the memories that haunt her are of those she contemplates when she looks at herself
She experiences remorse over her life before the breakup
Its good that it changes to the present



CONS: Unclear who she's surrendering her happiness to
I sort of cringed at technicolor
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Thanks so much for the feedback :D It's much appreciated :heart:
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thatbennyguy's avatar
okay just ignore from "1. Logical flow" onwards, ok... (those are just personal notes.) take care ^_^
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Thank you! :D :heart:
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axes4six's avatar
axes4six|Hobbyist Writer
:cries:

Very E.E Cunnings! :clap:
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Why, thank you very much! :D
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AzeeraTheNinja's avatar
AzeeraTheNinja|Student Interface Designer
I really like this! ^^ Great work ^^
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Thanks so much! :D
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AzeeraTheNinja's avatar
AzeeraTheNinja|Student Interface Designer
You're very welcome ^^
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AlecWolfe's avatar
Aww this is sweet and utterly sad. The ending is nice and I just love the message of this. Things do change and keep on changing as much as we don't want them to, but the idea that someone will always been there or be thinking of you is just lovely. Great work.
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Aw thanks so much <3
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AlecWolfe's avatar
you're welcome.

btw, I love you avatar. so cute.
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Ah thanks again <3
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NotQuiteHereYet's avatar
I like this a lot (: Well done
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Thanks so much! :D
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NotQuiteHereYet's avatar
No problem! =]
Reply  ·  
Chillymist's avatar
I really like this piece. It flows very nicely and it rhymes without seeming forced :)
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Yay that's what i was going for :D thanks :D
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loveforever95's avatar
AH ALY.! i like thisss. :)
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AlyyBabii954's avatar
Thanks so much :D
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loveforever95's avatar
no problem.
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anonymous's avatar
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