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She looks into the mirror
And her thoughts became clearer:
Her scars will remain forever,
Her happiness, she will surrender.

These memories, they haunt her;
Why couldn't things be how they were?
Before, we had a love like no other,
Living life in technicolor.

But now, things have changed,
And things have been arranged
To keep us far apart,
But no matter what, you're always in my heart.
Parents are annoying -_-
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:iconkisstheskykayla:
KissTheSkyKayla Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2010  Student General Artist
"Before, we had a love like no other,
Living life in technicolor."
I love those lines, you're amazing!
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2010  Student Writer
Aw, you're amazing :D
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:iconthatbennyguy:
thatbennyguy Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010   Writer
Hey there AlyyBabii954 ^_^ Benny here!

There are things I liked about Theme 4: Memory, and things I didn't like about the poem. One thing I liked was that it had a logical flow, and the reader could follow it nicely. The idea of memories concretely symbolising how things were was a good idea. Some ideas and concepts were unclear to me, however, even after a second look. Also, some of the terms and ideas you use were a little cliche or overused, and I believe you could have used a more original and vibrant update on the original. It was good though. Here we go!

The poem logically flowed. She went from contemplating the past in the first paragraph to regret in the second, to longing and even resolution in the third. My favourite line from this poem is "But now, things have changed", encouraging the reader that this poem is actually taking you somewhere ^_^ The logical flow of the poem makes it easy to read, well done.

The title of the poem is Memory, and this is well alluded to in the OHHHHH SNAP I just realised what this poem was about. Your parents are keeping you two apart hehe how sweet ^_^ Anyway, the title of this poem is Memory, and you use this idea quite a lot in this poem, which makes it consistent all the way through ^_^. All the way from "her thoughts become clearer" to "these memories they haunt here" to "you're always in my heart" it's all about the process of remembering how your heart was broken :P. Anyway, it is a very sweet poem and I thoroughly enjoyed it :).

Some things were unclear though, and took away from the immersion of the reader in the poem. It is the type of unclarity that hppens when you use words that sound nice, but I struggled to find the meaning for. Such as "her happiness, she will surrender"; i was struggling to find out whom did she surrender her happiness, to the parents or to the skies. When you say "her scars will reamin forever", we aren't sure which scars the poem means, in particular. If you removed this unclarity, then we could get more involved with the poem.

Some of the phrases used in the poem were a little bit cliche, or cheesy. This increases the cringe factor in the reader, which is mostly tolerable to a certain degree, but sometimes it hurts ^_^ Phrases like "we had a love like no other" and "you're always in my heart" make for soppy love songs, but most people prefer newer ways of saying the same thing. Maybe "we had a love like my great aunt's brother" or "you're always in my aorta" or something. Actually, never mind. Just cut the cheese, if you know what I mean. :P

Overall, I actually like this. It's got a nice flow, and a great theme: Memory. Some phrases were either unclear or cliche, but I believe that it won't take much editing to take this great poem one level higher. I loved it.

Thanks for sharing! Drive safe! ^_^

1. Logical flow
2. Memories: good analogy
3. Some things unclear
4. Cringeworthy material





PROS: When you look into the mirror, things do become clearer
She assumes that her scars will remain forever
We assume the memories that haunt her are of those she contemplates when she looks at herself
She experiences remorse over her life before the breakup
Its good that it changes to the present



CONS: Unclear who she's surrendering her happiness to
I sort of cringed at technicolor
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the feedback :D It's much appreciated :heart:
Reply
:iconthatbennyguy:
thatbennyguy Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010   Writer
okay just ignore from "1. Logical flow" onwards, ok... (those are just personal notes.) take care ^_^
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:iconspeed-trek:
speed-trek Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010
Amazing
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2010  Student Writer
Thank you! :D :heart:
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:iconaxes4six:
axes4six Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
:cries:

Very E.E Cunnings! :clap:
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2010  Student Writer
Why, thank you very much! :D
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:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2010  Student Interface Designer
I really like this! ^^ Great work ^^
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much! :D
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:iconazeeratheninja:
AzeeraTheNinja Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2010  Student Interface Designer
You're very welcome ^^
Reply
:iconalecwolfe:
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010
Aww this is sweet and utterly sad. The ending is nice and I just love the message of this. Things do change and keep on changing as much as we don't want them to, but the idea that someone will always been there or be thinking of you is just lovely. Great work.
Reply
:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010  Student Writer
Aw thanks so much <3
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:iconalecwolfe:
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010
you're welcome.

btw, I love you avatar. so cute.
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010  Student Writer
Ah thanks again <3
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:iconalecwolfe:
AlecWolfe Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2010
haha welcome.
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2010  Student Writer
:hug:
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:iconnotquitehereyet:
NotQuiteHereYet Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010
I like this a lot (: Well done
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much! :D
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:iconnotquitehereyet:
NotQuiteHereYet Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010
No problem! =]
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:iconchillymist:
Chillymist Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2010
I really like this piece. It flows very nicely and it rhymes without seeming forced :)
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2010  Student Writer
Yay that's what i was going for :D thanks :D
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:iconloveforever95:
loveforever95 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010  Student Writer
AH ALY.! i like thisss. :)
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks so much :D
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:iconloveforever95:
loveforever95 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2010  Student Writer
no problem.
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2010  Student Writer
:)
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:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
that is just so sad
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2010  Student Writer
Is that good or bad? Either way, thanks for the comment :)
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:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
it good I was thinking that I found the piece sad is all
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2010  Student Writer
Oh okey :D
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:icontabberdoodle:
tabberdoodle Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010
i REALLY like this peom just one sujestion tho it might flow better if it was a life in technicolor was life was technicolor just a thought
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Student Writer
Thanks for the suggestion! :D
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:icontabberdoodle:
tabberdoodle Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010
yw! phew i was worried u would get all afended lol
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010  Student Writer
Nah, i like criticism :D
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:icontabberdoodle:
tabberdoodle Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010
me 2 but u never no how other people r
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2010  Student Writer
True
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:iconkaisikudo:
Kaisikudo Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Nice work. The ending remind me a little bit of E.E Cummings. :aww:
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:iconalyybabii954:
AlyyBabii954 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Student Writer
Aww thanks SO MUCH! :D
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