waiting.i. he kisses you. he kisses you and tells you everything will be okay. he tells you to just keep breathing.
"it will be okay. stormy skies will turn to just simple clouds, because it can't rain forever."
ii. you remember what he said about summer and sticking together and you know it was all a lie.
he takes pride in his little lies, because they create false hope. and sometimes false hope is better than no hope at all.
iii. "he broke my heart."
whenever i thought i could hear my heart breaking, when i felt that dull ache in my chest, i remembered that being heartbroken was only a metaphor. because my heart is only a muscle that pumps blood so i can breathe and think.
i am still breathing and i am still sane. maybe if i wasn't, i could say he broke my heart.
so go ahead and tell me another lie.
you can even break my heart if you want. maybe then i will be forced to believe there is someone better out there.
until then, i love you.
i'll always love you.
02.45when the words wont stop
tumbling out of my mouth and
the the things i say start to scare
you don't pry
you kiss me.
i want more from you and i'm selfish. you'll never know. i'm so fucking selfish and i'm sorry i need you so much. apparently i expect too much from the wounded.
i'm only broken and you're shattered.
i tell you it's going to be okay. i tell you to be strong.
"i love you."
if that's all you need, just say it. i'll go find all the pieces of my heart and glue it back together for you. is that what you want to hear? will you finally be fucking happy if i say it?
no. because that's never enough.
you keep telling me it's okay to cry.
if i could cry i would.
"can i have a time machine so tomorrow will come faster?"
alone.today i realized no one knows me
if you knew me you would know that
i expect too much from the wounded
and i wish too much.
i hate butterflies, and
change scares me.
today i realized no one understands.
no one fucking understands. because i don't even understand.
revelation.i like to remember things the best way i can.
when you died, i didn't go to your funeral. instead, i remember you by the times we sat on your swing and you pushed it with your cane and sang to me.
when you left, i stopped talking to you. i didn't hug you when i saw you. i want to remember the last time we hugged. when i loved you.
yesterday you let me read your poetry. about a man who was dead inside and couldn't find it in himself to care anymore. the one thing he needed was love. and when she entered his mind, he was happy. i know it was about you.
when you realize i'm not her, i'll remember that.
i don't know how to love."do you know what i love about you? besides everything?"
he says he loves how we never fight. arguing is pointless and he's sick of it. we both are.
he says he wants to be with you forever. when forever ends a couple months from now, you'll be left wondering if you would have rather heard the painful truth or the beautiful lie. you promise never to utter another word you don't mean.
it's trusting. it's stripping yourself of all common sense. it's shedding that protective skin, just so you can trust. so you can finally let someone in. and you're scared. because you know that you can't trust anyone but yourself.
because you're the biggest liar you know.
he'll leave with parts of you in his suitcase. your common sense is folded up nice and neat, and the pieces of the heart you gave him lay scattered among broken promises. maybe he's a thief and only came to rob you.
or maybe he never even had your heart. maybe it got lost in the mail.
executioner.my skull is her playground.
she fiddles with my inner workings
grinds the gears of clockwork mechanisms
inside my head.
i have spent clawing at myself
in a pathetic attempt to get her out
from underneath my skin.
she gives the raw ends of my fingers
and my scabbed and and swollen flesh
a mouth convince me she doesn't want out.
she's a con artist.
she sits in my scalp
among hair follicles that she sets on fire
before i can pull them out.
she's also a pyromaniac.
she plays in the web of my nerves,
and with every pull i cry out.
she scrambles my memories
and i forget everything.
in this world of pain,
it hardly matters.
she fills me to the brim with red hot lava
melting my stomach
and singeing the ventricles of my heart.
she fills me with hatred,
to the very core of my being.
isolated here, all i know is pain
yet i am determined to survive.
does that make me crazy?
when it rains: short storyI ripped a jacket from a hanger in the closet and shoved my arms in it impatiently as I put my boots on. I noticed that Tanner's coat had been hanging up and it slipped off the hanger, which made me more anxious to get out in the rain. I couldn't wait to get outside... It wouldn't be raining for long, and walking in the rain was the only way I could think.
Without an idea of where I was going, I walked out the side door. I suddenly remembered that Tanner delivered papers today, and hoped to God that I wouldn't run into him. It was September, and the forecast for the rest of the week called for rain, and lots of mud. He had probably gotten them done early and was getting his quad ready for the season. I felt better.
I didn't mind at all that the rain was soaking my head. I'd put my hood on when I needed it. Unlocking the latch on the fence, I saw the very person I wanted to see least, right in my front yard. I also couldn't help but notice how good he looked and how much I missed seeing