I know I left this site for a long time, and nobody probably cares at this point what I do or where I am but I'm gonna write this journal to give an explaination and get some peace of mind I guess.
And yeah, the title says kinda what's been going on with me for the past 3 years. I kpet thinking it was 2 but it can only be 2 for so long.
First I'm just gonna say that I really suck and structuring my thoughts so bear with me here. Now, let's get into this.
So, 4 years ago I decided to turn my life on it's head. I decided that I needed to change to succeed in life, needed to show initiative, ambition and be social and all that stuff. Needless to say, it's not something I ever did before that point. I shoved myself out of my comfort zone. And for that entire year it was working. I did a lot of extra activities, I did my best to hang out with people and be an "extravert". I forced myself to reach for the level of activity that was uncomfortable because I thought it would do me well further down the road. And it might have done that have I stayed on that course of action. But I didn't. I couldn't. Next school year, after a couple of weeks something snapped in me. I stopped going to school. I cried without a reason, and all I wanted was to curl up in a ball and hide. My mom convinced me to try and go to school once, and go home if I felt uncomfortable. I was in shambles at that point pretty much, and in the first class a teacher made a remark that I was supposed to know everything even though I was sick so I missed a few lessons. It would've been fine, but she said in such an ignorant way that my already shaky mental state just crashed down. I left school that day, and didn't come back. It wasnt her fault that this happened, that was just the last drop. She couldn't have known.
Anyway, I finished school at home and passed all the neccessary exams, so don't worry, I did't ruin my future and drop out of school. But that year really sucked. I didn't want to do anything, talk to anyone, I was just existing. The only light I had in my life was my mom. It was really hard. It left me empty. The only interest I had all that time was playing Guild Wars 2, because I could just sit and play and everything else would get overshadowed by what was happening in-game. And when I mean the only interest, I really do mean it. I lost any and all desire to draw. This is how I lived for 2 years. I tried to go into a university last year but I was missing a couple of points to pass the threshold. But I think it's for the best, since I dont think I was ready for it yet.
2nd half of 2017 was really messed up for me. I entered an online "relationship" with a dude who was extremely controlling and emotionally abused me (for example threatened to harm or kill himself if I didn't do something; I knew he wouldn't do it, but I'm just not the kind of person who would stand firm in the face of such things. especially because a few months prior to that a friend of mine confessed that me constantly talking to him and trying to cheer him up convinced him not to commit suicide, which was crazy to me). All throughout November and a bit of December I had my first work experience at a kindergarden as a junior upbringer, aka nanny, aka clean-everything-and-serve-food-person. So while dealing with that "relationship" I was also being always exhausted and bashed by my surperiors. I was also sick a lot since I barely left my apartment before that. I ended up quitting that job since I had chemical burns on my hands cuz I was an idiot with cleaning supplies and just because the job and everything else was driving me back into the depression I was only starting to crawl out of.
Thankfully 2018 has been a good year for me. My best friend helped me to finally confront that guy and break up with him. He kept bothering me a bit for a month or two after that but I didnt care anymore. And me and that best friend of mine are dating now, and I couldn't be happier. On the 27th this month we'll have our 1rst anniversary. So if you're reading this, Dan, I love you, and that you for all you're done for me. <3
I also tried to get into that university again, but missed like 2 points again to pass. However, I got into another one. My mom suggeste trying the late summer exams into the University of Industrial Technology and Design, and I passed. With guessing half the answers on the written tests and showing art from 3 years ago. I still don't feel like I deserve to be in it, but that's how that went down. I'm about to finish my first semester now. Hopefully I wont get kicked out.
But yeah, for the first time in a few years, things are looking brighter for me. In the last couple of weeks I finally felt the urge to draw, just draw for myself. So I'm learning again. I've been scrolling through my watch notifications, and everyone improved so much. You guys are all amazing! As for me, my skills didnt change, but I'm utilizing them in different ways now. Currently I'm working on a picture to practice shading and stuff like that. If it turns out nice it might even end up on this page.
So... there you go. This is what's been going on with me all this time. I doubt people care to be honest, I've been way too unreliable for people to care. But if you do, then there you go.
Im probably gonna clean up this page a bit in terms of all the stamps xD
But anyway, that's all from me for now.
My name is Barb, I'm 20 years old now, and I'm not a complete mess anymore.
If you made it all the way to this part, thank you for reading it all. Really, I mean it, thank you so much.
I hope to see you again soon.