What being unlucky means.
I am not a superstitious person. I'm not religious I don't believe in magic or any of the things that people sometimes attribute to luck. However, I do feel like there are things that are out of our control. Things that can sometimes make a big difference to succeeding or failing. Over my lifetime I’ve always felt like I was on the bad or unlucky side of influences outside of my control. To put it bluntly, I'm unlucky.
I don't want to go into specific details about how in X situation I was so unlucky because this and that all happened to me in my life. Instead, I want to look at what being unlucky has come to mean in my life now and going forward. Some people might hear bad luck and think of some RNG or random number (generator or game.) For example, if you're playing Russian roulette with a 6 round barrel and 3 bullets in it there is a 50% chance that when you spin that cylinder around and pull the trigger with the barrel pressed against your head then that's it game over! Same 50% chance that you live and get to try again. That's not what I mean about bad or good luck. That's just an extreme risk taken while playing a numbers game. What I mean by bad luck in my life is that when I am putting in 100% effort into some project or job that I'm working on, the things that I have no control over that make my 100% effort either too much (if lucky) or not good enough (when unlucky.) Now some people might say "you make your own luck in those cases" I disagree. I know that I can do extra work to try and make sure that things won't go wrong and won't surprise me with unfavorable circumstances, and that's the point to do those extra things is doing more than 100% effort it's putting in 120% to make sure nothing fucks up. All my life I've felt like if I don't do that extra % to make sure everything will work as intended it's always come back to bite me in the ass.
Everyone isn't always giving 100% effort so many people claim to, or claim to "always give 110%" and I know that's bull shit because when good luck happens I've seen other people give 70%-80% effort and hey good luck took care of the rest job done that was easy. For the unlucky nothing is ever easy. After a lifetime of constantly being beaten down by bad luck over and over again. I finally gave up. I was tired of constantly having to put extra effort into things that still didn't always turn out as I worked for. So after losing my last job, I gave up fuck it I said for almost 2 1/2 years instead of going out of my way to try and do extra work here's my 0 fucking percent effort fuck off to the whole world. That's where I've been at rock bottom just taking what ever life gives me and in most cases, it's been nothing. Worst of all is the people around me who try to be encouraging by saying "hey just keep trying and keep going and things will work out!" That has to be the shittiest advice anyone can give. I don't need well wishers or prayers I need someone who can actually do something to fucking help me.
I'm not dead yet though been carried around for those 3 years by people who care WAY too much about me and the help has probably been worse for me than being left to die. Because now as I look up at the work I have to do to get up from rock bottom it's so much higher a climb than I can do alone. The bad luck I gave up on was not waiting for me either as I start to look at the effort I have to put forward to achieve anything the odds seem insurmountable. Going back to my Percentage effort scale again. It's like getting back to where I was, feels like I have to put in 400% to 1000% more effort than before because I let myself go.
So here I stand looking at these obstacles in my way knowing that I have to go through them and get my ass kicked over and over again. Just to get back to having to put in 130% effort in case something out of my control goes wrong again. I don't want to make any promises 'cause I know what lies ahead of me and at any point, I could just give up again. I'm no hero for trying to take on these obstacles again, I created this fucking mess myself and now I have to try and clean it up. Like sweeping leaves on a windy day that's my life now.
"We are confident that evil can never happen to us until it does"