I recently came to the realization I have been hiding myself away
from the real&internet worlds, both intentionally&unintentionally,
for AT LEAST one year now.
dA was the only place I let out any sort of expression,
and even those expressions were echos of a past person I no longer was,
but for some reason, kept trying to be.
Body dysphoria&C-PTSD became so overwhelming on top of multiple chronic+mental illnesses,
I didn't know what to do with myself, & truly didn't know how to be around others in my own skin.
I would try, but it always felt strange&inauthentic.
I had bouts of explosive anger&resentment that seemed to make no sense,
that would seemingly be triggered over nothing, out of nowhere.
For longer than I would like to admit,
that blood-red rage had been my normal state of existence.
Beginning in early 2018,
the idea that I was unhappily conforming to society's patriarchal ideals
of what a woman is/is supposed to be,
began to weigh heavy.
It had never sat with me well, and now, it just wasn't sitting right with me at all anymore.
By November, my skin was crawling every time someone called me a woman.
Not because I don't like women, but because I have never viewed myself as man OR woman-
more like an alien that was left here when their mothership accidentally left the planet without them.
It was obvious as a teen that I was more gender fluid/boyish than woman,
but to keep peace & stay (conditionally) "loved" by family, I repressed my true self.
I became a pin-up model and only dated males,
despite knowing I had an attraction for all people.
I accepted fake love over my true self.
Now I realize all the anger and resentment was coming from not embodying--
or not feeling like I could embody--my true self.
My super queer, super gender-fluid, super kinky, tomboy-femme self
that had been repressed for far too fucking long.
I was most terrified about coming out as genderfluid to my life partner.
They always knew I was pansexual&poly leaning,
but when we started dating, it was very cis-hetero monogamous.
I was a woman, they were a man.
Our relationship was unconventional in the sense of things like me proposing to them,
but we were still very Man/Woman, & I feared no longer being a woman could tear us apart.
Instead, we became stronger. Our communication better.
We found ourselves&each other.
I feel lighter. I feel joy. I feel like ME!
We are now even more of a team than ever before,
with no more walls or secrets or projections that didn't add up or make sense.
It all makes sense and feels natural, it all feels right now.
It's the relationship we always thought we had,
but couldn't actually have while still hiding and denying
parts of ourselves that needed to be addressed and nurtured.
After nearly losing my life partner in November,
I couldn't keep faking being this person I wasn't.
We needed to change....
I needed to change.
All I do is preach authenticity,
being one's true self--
yet I wasn't fully being me.
I was still pretending.
Pretend no more...
Here I am!!!
A gender-fluid emo boy named Jeri who is pansexual and finds monogamy toxic and tedious...
Let's be friends!
I will continue to create art and upload work here,
but for the time being my gallery will be under construction as I change watermarks and descriptions,
and separate my old work/self from my new work/self.'
I don't think I will delete the old work yet, I will let it stay for awhile as I re-find my footing as an artist.
I hope you all continue this journey with me,
I may be different,
but I know it will be ever better this time around.