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My Dear Deviant Family,
Things in my life have been difficult for sometime now, and as mentioned previously- artist's block has hit me hard.
But now something even worse has happened, there has been a death in my immediate family- my older brother Ben has passed.
My family and I and his friends are beyond devastated and grieving and mourning have been a regular routine.
I've written some poems I do plan to post, and I would also like to try to work on some portraits when I am ready.
I apologize for not being present and active, you all are in my thoughts, and I thank you for your continued patience.
I'll be back when the time is right.
So much love, be well, and stay alive.
:heart: Alisa

Hello fellow Deviants!!

It brings me great joy to announce the following winners and participants of "The Elements" Contest, that was held by BrankaArts , on my behalf. Thank you to all of those who participated and enjoyed this contest, even though I was unable to host it myself.

WINNERS:


1st TrophyFIRST PLACE:

The Element-Queen of Earth by ThunderMadArts14
:iconthundermadarts14: 



2nd TrophySECOND PLACE:

Angel of the Air by flowerpowerstock
:iconflowerpowerstock:



3rd Trophy THIRD PLACE:

Earth by maiaschka
:iconmaiaschka:


 Gold Star Sticker Icon HONORABLE MENTION:

The Kingdom of Ashes and Fire by CarolMarques
:iconcarolmarques:


The Winners have recieved the following Prizes:

1st place - 400 Points

2nd place - 300 Points

3rd place - 200 Points

Honorable Mention - 100 Points

Given by BrankaArts on behalf of AliDee33

Exclusive Stock by:

:iconflowerpowerstock:


Here are the rest of the very talented works submitted by wonderful artists!:


Guardian of The Earth by ThunderMadArts14     Plantae dabit vitam by Renata-s-art     Dangerous woman - manipulation by BeLightning

Rain of Fire by MrsSerrano1     Made of Blood and Stone by CarolMarques

Abenone II by ValeriyaSegal

Ironbark by ValeriyaSegal     Undine      /element wave/ by anais-anais61

Angel of the water by flowerpowerstock

Thank you to all!

:iconkokorox::iconkokorox::iconkokorox:
My Dearest Deviants,
    My utmost and sincere apologies for being so absent for so long. I've missed you all terribly, and wanted to take the time to somewhat explain... It's been a heck of a six weeks, and I'm still trying to adjust to a new sense of normal.
    So, this isn't going to rhyme or anything- I've had such a hard time lately, I find myself saying, "I am not an artist anymore." And the thought of this brings me to tears. But, that is honestly and unfortunately how I feel right now.
    There is an Albert Einstein quote I always loved that, "The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind." But I have been on overload when it comes to busy and I'm very sad to report, that I have not created.
    I've been through artist's block before, and I know that it can pass of course- but in the meantime- I've never felt so empty inside and for ideas. Even when I do have the time, I find myself growing frustrated just trying to think of something, anything, creative.
    My heart hurts that I don't have anything to share with you all. My heart hurts that if feels as though I have lost my passion and my purpose. For now, anyway..
    I wish I could just sit down and get to it already. But, my art is done through feelings, and my emotions have just not been feeling it.
    My life was flipped upside-down on me, lots of drastic and big changes all at once, and somehow- I lost myself in the mix. I'm not sure how to get back. My emotions have been haywire, anxiety and depression on the prowl a lot these days.
    I've been going to an intensive therapy program, and while I can't say it is the funnest thing- it is very helpful. There was even one day that they let me run the art therapy group, and I taught the class to make tissue paper flowers- I did great.
    Through the therapies and time off, I've had a lot of time to think and soul-search, and make goals.
    And of course, my main goal is to get back on my art game as soon as possible. However, I have no clue how to make this happen, and I have some other things on my plate to deal with first.
    To each and everyone of you-- thank you so much. Thank you for your patience and encouragement.
    DeviantArt and it's Artists are still so dear to my heart, I don't want any of you to think you are forgotten by me.
    I will certainly keep in touch, and hope to be posting new art as soon as I am able to.
Again, thank you for understanding and all your encouragement, as it is vastly appreciated.
:heart:Love, Ali

The Contest has been launched on

:iconbrankaarts: BrankaArts 's Profile page, 

The Elements Contest - (Closed)
Hello Deviants!!
I’m launching a new contest on behalf of AliDee33 It would’ve been her second contest, but due to unforeseen circumstances she had to postpone the contest after launching it herself.
As a favor to a friend, I agreed to launch the contest on her behalf and she would love for YOU to get involved!
AliDee33 held a poll on her page, and "The Elements" has won for a contest theme out of the choices!
(She hope to host future contests with even more of the ideas!)

How does it work?
There will be 4 weeks to enter:
June 18 – July 16 at 23:59 EST (05:59 SAST)
There will be 2 days of judging:
17 July – 19 July at 23:59 EST (05:59 SAST)

YOU ALL will be the judges this time!!!
A


The Four Elements of Nature by BrankaArts
The Four Elements of Nature - BrankaArts 

FOR RULES AND ENTRY,
CHECK OUT THE CONTEST JOURNAL ON
BrankaArts 's Profile!


THE CONTEST HAS BEEN LAUNCHED at

:iconbrankaarts: BrankaArts 's page,

The Elements Contest - (Closed)
Hello Deviants!!
I’m launching a new contest on behalf of AliDee33 It would’ve been her second contest, but due to unforeseen circumstances she had to postpone the contest after launching it herself.
As a favor to a friend, I agreed to launch the contest on her behalf and she would love for YOU to get involved!
AliDee33 held a poll on her page, and "The Elements" has won for a contest theme out of the choices!
(She hope to host future contests with even more of the ideas!)

How does it work?
There will be 4 weeks to enter:
June 18 – July 16 at 23:59 EST (05:59 SAST)
There will be 2 days of judging:
17 July – 19 July at 23:59 EST (05:59 SAST)

YOU ALL will be the judges this time!!!
A

Winners of AliDee33's First Contest Ever

Subject: Spiritual 
Media Type: Any

Judging Based on:  Best execution of vision and concept
                            Originality, Creativity, & Aesthetics
                            How much of an impact it has on the judge

Thank you to those who helped donate towards points prizes!! :D (Big Grin)

And a Special Thanks to the Judges!:

:iconsamcelia: :iconbrankaarts: :iconanseo1985: :iconalidee33:


The Winner's Circle:


C (Alphabets) O Alphabets (Words) N Alphabets (Words) G (Alphabets) R (Alphabets)  A (Alphabets) T (Alphabets) S (Alphabets) 

Fav fella (Badge)Fella Point (Badges)


1st TrophyFIRST PLACE:

Arcanist by TinaLouiseUk
TinaLouiseUkArcanist


2nd TrophySECOND PLACE:

TEMPERANCE 3 ~ TAROT CARD by DAGAIZM
DAGAIZMTEMPERANCE 3 ~ TAROT CARD


3rd Trophy THIRD PLACE (tied):

Hymn of a Cherubim by smartiepix
smartiepixHymn of a Cherubim


3rd Trophy THIRD PLACE (tied):

Spirit by annemaria48
annemaria48Spirit


 Gold Star Sticker Icon HONORABLE MENTION:

She Is Transformed (Contest) by HGCreations
HGCreationsShe Is Transformed (Contest)


 Gold Star Sticker Icon JUDGES HONORABLE MENTION:


Warrior of the Spiritual World by BrankaArts
BrankaArtsWarrior of the Spiritual World


Thank you to all of those who participated and entered!

Here are the rest of our lovely contestants!!

   Clap  Congrats ~ Emoticon Lily Thank you  Balloons V4  

     Call Of The Spirit by SamCelia     then there was light by rocheleheart10     god loves  you by rocheleheart10 
  
Land sea anenome by snoogaloo     Spring blooms by snoogaloo    <da:thumb id="740981937"/>    

Monk's way by JaKlaRo     Whack It by robert-kim-karen     Danza Azteca 14 by robert-kim-karen
 
KOLOVRAT ~ 12 000 YEARS OLD SLAVIC SYBMOL OF SUN by DAGAIZM     Padma Sambhav by Rowdy-Dawg     Angels  Demons by RWing-CanDo 
  Te Fiti by flowerpowerstock     Ghosts on the Wire by Ghosts-Onthe-Wire     Conversations at Dusk pt. 1. by Ghosts-Onthe-Wire 
  
Feminine Flower Mandala by surreal1st1cp1llow     Alchemical Meditation by smartiepix

Thank you so much to each and everyone of you who participated! It has been great to get to know you in this manner, and have all of our friends open up harmoniously about our different views of what spirituality is! It has been very enlightening, and I can't thank each of you enough for such a fun competition, it was such a hard judge! :heart: :)

Update! The poll voting for these entries has ended!

Thank you for your votes!

All winners for the AliDee33's first ever Spiritual Contest will be announced as soon as possible!
Thank you for your patience!


Hello Deviants! :wave:
With my first ever Spiritual Art Contest coming to a close, the judges are in need of YOUR help!
We would like your opinion on which of the judges you think should win!
We have 2 lovely entries from our judges:

Call Of The Spirit by SamCelia
SamCelia 

Mature Content

Warrior of the Spiritual World by BrankaArts

BrankaArts 

The poll is on my profile page, directly under this journal,
and I encourage you to vote, voting will close in 2 days!
Best of luck to both the judges, and thank YOU for helping us!! :D
And best of luck to the rest of you as well, as the winners will be announced soon!!

5/10/2018: Entries are now CLOSED!

The judges are calculating!!!

Judging Time: 5-7 Days
Announcement of Winners by: 5/16/18


Check out the Contest Gallery from my Favorites Folders Here!:
alidee33.deviantart.com/favour…


PLEASE CHECK FOR UPDATED INFORMATION IN BOLD!!! 
(updated: 4/20/2018)


Hello Deviants!!
I have some exciting news! And I'm hoping you'd like to participate! :happybounce:
I am holding a Spiritual Artwork contest here on my own profile page, and I'm going to outline the rules and guidelines!! Dance!
Please read all the guidelines over carefully before submitting! Thank you in advance for your cooperation & submission! 
And good luck to each of you!
I'm very excited to see what you share!! Heart

Creator at Practice by AliDee33
Creator at Practice - by AliDee33

DeviantArt Contest (age 18+) on AliDee33's Profile

Theme: 
Spiritual Artwork, any religion (or not religion)

Judges:
AliDee33 
:iconalidee33:

BrankaArts 
:iconbrankaarts:

SamCelia 
:iconsamcelia:

anseo1985 
:iconanseo1985:

Run time/Dates: 
4 weeks to enter (subject to change, see limitations)
Begins: April 18th, 2018
Ends: May 9th, 2018
Judging time: 5-7 days
Announcement of Winners: May 16th, 2018
(Will update, should there be any changes!)

Prizes: 
2 week feature on AliDee33's Page & Feature on Branka-Johnlockian's Page
1st place- 400 points + feature
2nd place- 300 points + feature
3rd place- 200 points + feature
Honorable Mention- 100 points + feature
(AliDee33 will provide points prizes)

UPDATED INFORMATION:
The judges works will be judged SEPARATELY, for ultimate fairness.
There will be an "Judges Honorable Mention"
With points prize up for grabs of 50 points and feature!!
(for all their hard work and assistance)


Media Type: 
Any and All
Mature Content Welcome (age 18 years plus)(please be tasteful)
Dark Art welcome, *NOTE* however- no violent gore, please

Suggestions/Ideas: 
Angels, demons, spirits, Christianity, Buddhism, Chakras,
Catholicism, Hinduism, atheism, agnostic, vibes, electromagnetic energy,
auras, witchcraft, paganism, psychics, spirit animals, ancient gods, Jesus, mandalas,
multi-dimensional, alternate reality, psychedelia, metaphysical, any religion, after-life, 
re-incarnation, Sacred Geometry, symbolism, crystals, open your own interpretation..

How judging is decided: 
Best execution of vision and concept
Originality, Creativity, & Aesthetics
How much of an impact it has on the judge
Each judge will send me a list of their top favorites in order in private note
AliDee33 will tally 

Contest Entry: 
Must be 18 years or older (please be honest)
Must be watching AliDee33 (yes, you can add me now and still enter)
Leave a comment on this Contest Journal with 1-2 entries of a thumbnail of your own artwork
(can enter twice, but only win once)
**Must leave one sentence with each entry as to why you are proud of your artwork :) (Smile)
Judges (except AliDee33) may enter as well! (Judges will be judges SEPARATELY, with their own prize)

Limitations: 
Depending on amount of responses, limiting contest to 50 contestants (or 100 entries)
May close contest early/ extend contest due to amount of responses and response time.
The judges have the right to remove your work if it is not found fitting or appropriate.
Rules and dates subject to change, and will post an update, if so.
May only submit your own artwork, please do not suggest someone else's.
If you have any questions, please note AliDee33. 
Updated information:
*The points awarded to the winners may NOT, in any way, be given back to AliDee33, 
(Please no donations to or buying prints or anything from AliDee33 with the prize points!)
IF YOU DONATE TO HELP WITH POINTS PRIZES, you are not be able to win them back!
(My sincere apologies, as I want nothing to look fraudulent!)

Note for judges:

I will be favoriting all the art submitted to a special folder in my favorites, 
where you will be able to see them all together easily. ;) (Wink) 

Check out the Contest Gallery from my Favorites Folders Here!:
alidee33.deviantart.com/favour…
Dear Deviants,
Some of you may know, and some of you may not know. I have a modeling portfolio kind of stashed and tucked away in one of the folders in my gallery. My modeling portfolio includes many mature-filter content deviations. I was always a bit shy of making a big deal of it, but I'm learning to love it and embrace it and be proud!

:iconspicy-manips:
I've joined the SUPER group Spicy-Manips (We are accepting more than just manipulations now!) and they were kind enough to make me an admin and co-founder!
This is a sexy and classy group of Deviant Artists, and I encourage you to check them out, join, and perhaps even feature some of your own Spicy artwork and photographs!


Here is a sneak peak at some of the featured artwork!

Mature Content

Spicy Sakura by BadAssSpartaSpawn

Spicy Sakura - BadAssSpartaSpawn 

Bathing Nymph by Wagner
Bathing Nymph - Wagner

Mature Content

Concept #10: space by ioanz

Concept #10: space -ioanz

Mature Content

Driftwood Beach Pinup by cubicmicron

Driftwood Beach Pinup - cubicmicron


Mature Content

Nebbia Rosa by Ladesire

Nebbia Rosa - Ladesire

Mature Content

Come Play with Me by BrankaArts

Come Play with Me - Branka-Johnlockian

Thank you to all those who have created and shared your beautiful works!
I encourage everyone else to come and embrace the artwork that is the human form!
Here's that link for you again ;) Spicy-Manips 
:iconspicy-manips:
04092018
"I still wake up crying.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm dying.
Now years have gone by already,
I'm still not completely steady.
The time went by so slow,
Like trying to watch a flower grow.
At the same time, slipped by fast.
Oh, how long will this pain last?
I wish I could be more over it,
I wish these thoughts would just stop and quit.
Triggers flood my mind with memories,
Of when you put my life in jeopardy.
I do my best every day.
Yes, every day I find a way.
To get out and express,
All this inside me, all of this mess.
I gaze into what I have created,
To my subconscious it's directly related.
I learn more about myself and what I need to do,
To get back to my happiness, that is so pure and true.
I'm not completely over it, sometimes I do suppress.
But I have come so far and am proud of my progress."
-Alisa Danielle
04082018
"Dear Annie, I still miss you.
I pray you visit me, I hope you do.
I wanted to write you another letter,
Let you know I've been feeling better.
Some time has passed,
Since I wrote you last.
I'm still a roller coaster,
But making progress and growing closer,
To mending me back together, whole.
Healing my mind, body, and soul.
Writing this, I'm getting chills,
As feelings are instilled,
That you're here with me, hugging me tight.
I feel your warmth like a bright light.
I know that you're proud of me,
Although your face I have not seen.
Annie, I miss you dearly,
I want you to know I can see more clearly.
Making progress every day,
So that I can be the way,
I want to be,
Happily,
And in control of all of me.
Words cannot express, my dear sweet Annie,
How I miss you, With love, from Ali."
-Alisa Danielle
Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart Heart 
I'd just like to introduce these poems with...
I write a lot of my poetry early in the morning when I can't sleep.
I also often am very cranky in the morning, and often for no good reason..
So I try to write it out, and it doesn't always come out the happiest..
But it always helps me to feel better afterward..
So here it goes..

--------------------------------------------------------

"In the Dark Again"
04072018

"I've been up since 5 A.M.,
In the complete dark again.
Something about dawn is so lonely,
If I could just only,
Think of something to keep busy,
Don't care that I'm tired and dizzy.
Get my mind off these thoughts,
Oh, these terrible thoughts come up a lot,
Especially in the dark.
Turn on the lights, need a spark.
A flicker of hope that this will pass,
As the night never does last.
But it always comes back around,
Like clockwork when the sun goes down.
And so sets my sanity,
Thoughts take over with blasphemy.
Looking at the clock to check the time,
Oh jeez, it's only five 'o five!
I swear time goes slower,
When these thoughts take over.
I'll get back to where I need to be,
At some point and eventually.."
-Alisa Danielle


------------------------------------------------


"Get it Out into a Rhyme"
04032018

"I can't help but be a bitch,
Every freaking morning.
Pulling out the only stitch,
Keeping me together and start storming.

Absolutely everything,
Absolutely pisses me off.
Stays around lingering,
At everything I scoff.

No way to pull me out,
No words can really help.
So I scream and shout,
With these emotions I was dealt.

Why am I mad?
I don't even know!
Mad leads to sad,
And further down I go.

Now all of a sudden sobbing,
How do I get back?
My happiness it's robbing.
They took the control I lack,

I'm an easy target.
This happens all the time.
Good thing I am an artist,
To get it out into a rhyme."
-Alisa Danielle
04062018
Art is my Sanity

"I take my medicine and go to therapy,
To try to gain some clarity,
Of who I am, how my brain works,
Sometimes thoughts seem like such a curse.
I try to stay really busy,
Sometimes I'm sent into a tizzy,
Of emotions, like waves- up and down,
It's so hard to come back around.
My life hasn't been the easiest,
But ever since I joined Deviant,
My artist's block has been lifted,
And I'm so grateful to be gifted,
With talents of self-expression,
Now art is again my obsession.
Helping me get to where I need to be,
Restoring me to sanity.
I don't know what I'd do without my passion,
I lost it once and went down crashing.
So good to stand up on my feet again,
Figure myself out and comprehend,
How my thoughts can be better,
I will never give up, ever,
To be the best version of myself I can be,
While painting the world metaphysically."
-Alisa Danielle
04042018
"I don't know what to do,
But I'm sitting here with you.
We have the whole world to ourselves,
Just me and you- nobody else.
What will we do today?
I love when we laugh and play,
We'll never grow old.
The connection of our souls,
Is my favorite thing.
Taking time for healing.
We are the best of friends,
Together till and past the end.
We stop and smell the flowers,
Look into each other's eyes for hours.
Tell you "I love you" one million times,
Pour our passion into these rhymes.
I don't know what I would do without you,
I've never met another love so true.
You help me be a better person,
Put up with me when my symptoms worsen,
Getting me back to where I need to be,
As our hands fit together perfectly.
Thank you for being who you are,
I love how we've come so far."
-Alisa Danielle
Heart Heart Heart 
Death is Not the End
04022018

"And with her last breath, she exhaled..
In her body her soul no longer exists,
But that does not mean she ceased and desists.
No, we all float on,
Our light stays bright,
So let's sing a song,
For all those tonight,
Who's soul has slipped behind the veil.
They have not left us, no,
Look at the signs, they leave a trail,
Looking out for us as we go.
We could call them ghosts,
But really they are angels.
They lost their physical hosts,
Now they dance in the constellations.
We celebrate the lives of those passed,
It's hard not to miss them,
But now they have a happiness that will always last,
As death is not the end."
-Alisa Danielle
03202018
"I feel scared, trembling, shaking,
Flooded with thoughts, heart-breaking.
Outside there is nothing wrong,
Inside we all aren't getting along.
Everything is worst-case-scenario,
Drown it out, turn up the stereo.
Seems like no matter how many distractions,
I can't stop these over-reactions.
So I light up another cigarette,
To try to sort out my mindset.
Logic doesn't work with me, I can't reason,
My serotonin is in depletion,
Clouding my mind and my judgement,
Trying to get back is such an adjustment.
I lost the remote control to my mind,
Channels flipping rapidly, my spirit declines.
Seemingly to last forever,
These thoughts trick me, they are clever.
No they come to an end, they never do last.
They will come and they will pass.
So I hold on tight for the ride,
I have self-expression on my side.
Getting out all this extra energy,
Pour it on a page, examine what I see,
Helps me to regain a little sanity."
-Alisa Danielle
03192018
Words of Encouragement

"My wish for each of you,
Is that to yourself you do stay true.
I hope you think you're beautiful.
I hope your happiness is bountiful.
I hope you build yourself up.
I hope you have the best of luck.
I hope you laugh and smile,
For a nice long while.
Even when times get rough,
Show 'em how you're tough.
Strong and bullet-proof,
Stand up for yourself, refuse,
To let it steal this happiness,
You found deep inside ever since,
You found yourself, became whole.
Healing your mind, body, and soul.
I hope you have epiphanies,
Revealing the universe's mysteries.
I hope you have a driving passion,
To believe in your dreams and make them happen.
I hope you're proud of who you are,
Where you're going and how you've come so far."
-Alisa Danielle
03132018
Staring at the Wall

"I sit here and I chain-smoke,
Staring at the wall.
These memories, they invoke,
Feelings of withdrawal.

I try to change the channel,
Try to make this pass.
My thoughts I dismantle,
To make of them some sense.

I tear apart the how's and why's,
Completely over-thinking.
I think ten million thoughts and visualize,
Them when I'm blinking.

But then the thoughts take over,
And fill the whole room.
There is no way to take cover,
To prepare for the sonic boom.

That is my emotions erupting,
Leaving me in shattered pieces,
Taking my happiness, disrupting,
My motivation decreases.

I sit here and I chain-smoke,
Staring at the wall.
Feeling down and sad and broke,
It's hard to talk at all."
-Alisa Danielle

----------------------------------------

03142018
Deal with Them as They Surface

"Trying to come up,
With a new way to say,
Here overflows my cup,
With thoughts most insane.

Out of my control again,
I don't know what to do.
So I pull out my pen,
And my journal too.

I try to process how I feel,
I try to get it out on the page.
My fears seem so real,
Locked inside my head, a cage.

Taking the beast for a walk,
Trying my best to tame him.
Let him speak up and talk,
It's not about trying to blame him.

All these feelings that arise,
They are for a purpose.
Don't mask the emotions, don't disguise,
Deal with them as they surface."
-Alisa Danielle
I was writing out my anxieties this morning, as I had a long-lasting episode of the morning blues. This poem was written in three different segments put together as I talked myself through it. In the end, I did end up feeling better, and I think my day is off on a better foot after some self-expression. 

03122018

"In the utter silence, quiet,
Fill a page with words.
In my head there is a riot,
But all the screams go unheard.

I feel so lost and empty.
It's only six a.m.,
But calling someone's tempting.
My thoughts I do condemn,

They've gotten out of hand,
They are out of my control.
And I do not understand,
How I fell into this black hole.

But the more important question,
Is how do I get back?
Try some self-expression,
To take back control I lack.

Fill a page with words,
Get all the feelings out.
Doesn't matter if it sounds absurd,
Let those screams shout.

Then as it always does,
The feelings will pass.
And I'll rise above,
As it never does last.....

----------------------------------------

....But wait, it isn't passing.
Feelings of out-bursting,
Are longer-lasting.
Now I'm thirsting,

For a bit of sanity.
Get my thoughts straight,
Try to think clearly.
But their timing is too late.

These emotions are relentless.
My coping skills failed me.
And I'm left defenseless,
I'm blinded, I can't see,

Past this state of mind,
Dark and twisted thoughts,
They are not kind,
They come up a lot.

I write about them over and over.
Like a broken record spinning 'round.
I feel like time goes slower.
Spiraling further down.

I thought you said this would pass?
How long do I have to wait?
How long will this last?.....

----------------------------------------

....I filled a page with words and letters.
One, then two, in fact.
Now I'm feeling a bit better,
I feel a little more in-tact.

I changed the station for a while,
I'm still not one hundred percent,
I'm okay- but there's no smile.
The feelings have passed to a great extent.

What a relief,
Taking a deep breath.
Those thoughts are a thief,
Stealing happiness.

But the end seems to be in sight.
Down the tunnel,
At the end is a light.
At first it was subtle,
But then it slowly grew bright."
-Alisa Danielle
There's someone in my life, if they ever come across this, they would know who they are..
But there is someone in my life who has repeatedly hurt me.. I put up with it because they were like family.
But after being burned over and over, I just can't take it anymore.
I wrote this poem last year and was never going to post it.
But I'm so enraged now I have to.
Here goes...

12042017
"Either you're lying or faking,
Either way my heart's breaking.
You chose to walk out that door,
Like so many times before.
This time I do not support you.
You do not act or say what is true.
Wait, what exactly happened that night?
I feel all your lies, I have good insight.
You say you understand me and my problems,
But you made up your stories, your soap opera dramas.
You scraped your knee..
Try asphyxiation in the third degree.
You don't understand me, you're telling me lies.
I won't call or ask if you are fine.
It's time to take my medicine,
Before I lose my edge again.
I can't think about you,
You are in bad space.
You chose that place.
I'll leave you there.
Seeing as, you don't care.
You left me, like always.
Why do I try?
To keep this alive?
Blood don't mean nothin',
Your actions disgust me.
Disturb me mentally.
Now red is what I see.
I can't think about you anymore,
Since the last time you walked out that door,
With my art in your hand,
Lying smile is your brand.
Look, I'm writing terrible poetry,
Twins from birth,
But you're perverse.
Going off the deep end,
I should feel bad for you.
But deep inside,
You enrage me every time.
Why am I trying?
I'm tired of your lying."
-Alisa Danielle
03092018
"I'm filled with love. I'm filled with hate.
One or the other takes over, can anyone relate?
A second ago, I was happy, fine.
But in just a moment, in that quick of time,
All of a sudden, I don't recognize this person.
Wanting to throw things, yelling and cursing.
During anxious outbursts,
I become the worst.
They call it 'rapid-cycling bi-polar'.
It is not a fun roller coaster.
These emotions take over,
Like alcohol to someone sober.
Intoxicating, flooding my body and brain.
Taking over with thoughts and feelings insane.
Everything in my imagination caught fire.
Absolutely everything is absolutely dire.
It's so hard to get this to pass.
When I feel like shattered glass.
Sharp edges, trying to fix me is hazardous,
When I'm cranky and stubborn, making a fuss.
I try not to be like this.
I try to tell myself to be logical, make sense.
It's just so hard when I'm so tense."
-Alisa Danielle