SNIPPY: REMEMBERANCES OF THE PAST DAY

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October something, something.
Today captain declared as "REMEMBERANCES OF THE PAST DAY".

The day begun with me getting smacked with a broken laptop and yells "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!".
I tried to protest that laptops weren't attacking people in the mornings back in the past. To this, Captain declared that in fact they didn't have to, because users were so addicted to reading their daily mail facts that every morning they woke up smacking their heads on their laptops.

Then my head was treated to a barrage of empty, metal SPAM cans with words "SPAM MAIL! DODGE THE SPAM! USE FILTERS!".
With these words, captain gave me two old tennis rackets. The tennis rackets had yellow duck-tape stickers on them with words "DELETE" and "BLOCK EMAIL ADDRESS".

The spam can attack didn't end there, Pilot's job for today was hiding behind building ruins and throwing the spam cans at me at random intervals with yells of "INCREASE YOUR GENITAL SIZE!", "RUSSIAN BRIDE LOVES YOU" and "I AM NIGERIAN PRINCE WITH 56 BILLION DOLLAR OFFER FOR U".

Captain then gave me a filthy, blue sash that said "INTERNET EXPLORER 37.0" and demanded me to fetch foods from EBAY.
The old shopping mall where we found supplies yesterday now bore a massive spray painted sign "EBAY" on it. I still have no idea how they created this masterpiece of utterly pointless vandalism. Short of captain holding Pilot upside down and Pilot spray-painting the letters I coudn't think of anything.

Upon opening the mall's doors, I fell straight through the floor. Damn mold must have eaten through the old floor, I thought... but then I heard captain's comments "INTERNET EXPLORER HAS CRASHED" and it became clear to me that the floor was somehow sabotaged.
I decided to be much more careful from there on, knowing that there would probably be more traps that were meant to crash internet explorer.
"POPUPS!" Captain's voice bellowed from above, as cardboard boxes rained on me. One of them with the words "XXX GIRLS" hit me square on the head.

I woke with Pilot hovering over me, wearing a greenish, moldy sash with words "NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR".
"YOU WILL BE REPLACED!" Pilot's arms flailed back and forth in front of my face like a crazy dance.

"BROWSER WAR!" Captain boomed from above. "WHOEVER CAN MAKE IT OUT OF THE SUB-BASEMENT FIRST, WILL NOT BE SHUT DOWN".
I didn't like the sound of that.
"ROLE OF FIREFOX WILL BE PLAYED BY PHOTOSHOP"  Captain's voice continued,
THE BROWSER REMAINING IN THE SUB-BASEMENT WILL FACE FIREFOX IN A BATTLE TO THE DEATH, AND WILL LIKELY BE TERMINATED BY 300 SHARP TEETH"
I saw the worm monster being slowly lowered into the hole, red stripes were painted on it. The hungry beast emitted screeching noises that echoed throughout the building. At this rate, its friends would be coming soon.
I reached for my rifle strap, finding nothing. Great, they must have taken it while I slept.
Pilot stared at me from the corner, then at the worm monster with red stripes, and then made a jump for the door.
I followed, picking up speed.
Pilot thew another SPAM can at me, and I barely dodged it.
Netscape, I mean Pilot.. was already halfway up the stairs.
Suddenly, a sack of SPAM cans was emptied from above, hundreds of cans coming down the stairs making a horrid rattling noise.
Pilot pulled two rackets that were tied to his back, slapping the cans out of the way.
I had no such defenses, as I left the rackets back in the first room, and thus the cans rained on my head, derailing my steps and slowing me down.
Firefox screeched and crooned from behind, urging me to run faster. It sounded like a mad pigeon amplified through a megaphone.
Pilot jumped across several steps. I think he did serious gymnastics or something back in the army, damn my office life.
Just as I reached the door, captain appeared in front of me, blocking the way to freedom.
A large black board connected with my facemask as the metal door bearing it snapped shut right in front of me.
There were chalk scribbles on the board spelling a 4 letter word" S O P A " and below it "THIS ENTRY WAS CENSORED BY U.S GOVERNMENT".
I desperately clawed against the board feeling surely doomed today, just like the 2012 internet users.

© 2012 - 2021 alexiuss
Comments137
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Sol4rpleXus's avatar
aaaand he gets hurt, once again!
NoriMori's avatar
Firefox beats Internet Explorer. I KNEW it. I just keep finding more reasons to like you, alexiuss!

"Pilot jumped across several steps. I think he did serious gymnastics or something back in the army, damn my office life."

Well, what you lack in gymnastics you make up for with intelligence and determination! Plus you're a badass. I mean, you climbed out of a whale's blowhole, for God's sake, and you set the Cancer on fire by shooting propane tanks and surviving the inferno with your fireproof coat. If that's not badass, I don't know what is. Plus you're good with a rifle. Though I don't think that will help you in this situation. :P
CalamityStudios's avatar
oh dear, snippy... what a day
oldbookslover's avatar
oh. my god. mn deiu. mon got.
noneofurbussiness's avatar
Damn! Snippy needs another sane person to hang with...
NoriMori's avatar
Wowwwww hahaha!
Virfortis777's avatar
Mauma88's avatar
I love you. I really do. Or at least the way you think, write and draw. It's just unimaginably beautiful and fascinating!
(Even if I have enough of reading about SOPA, ACTA ect. ;p)
keixayaka's avatar
"Netscape, I mean Pilot.." Hahahah. Snippy, you really did crash..

That was an awesome journal entry--you connect things with such epic-ness. "I desperately clawed against the board feeling surely doomed today, just like the 2012 internet users." Indeed. :)
ReverseFrown's avatar
ROFLMAO, your such a genius man. Ending was hilarious~
EriiEtCetera's avatar
XD this was hilarious to read
Skarabog's avatar
aaahhh... the history of the internet...
ChickiChikiBoomBoom's avatar
D': poor snippy. poor us.
FisHPastE89's avatar
hahahahhaa thats funny
LastOfTheAnnunaki's avatar
Captain! You government fiend!
Mauser7's avatar
*dies on the floor laughing* That's exactly how being on the internet works!
IgneoBern's avatar
That was truly entertaining to read! Lots of fun! I must say I'm really loving these journal entries so much. I'm learning a lot more about the way the characters act on a day-to-day basis. :)
And I love the SOPA bit at the end! XD
I know this is a journal and not a deviation, but I think the writing could benefit from a bit of fixing up, maybe some more sensory detail. But all in all it was really fun, so thanks for the treat! :D
causeallidoisdance's avatar
XD you are truly AWESOME.
haruhi65's avatar
MissingInAutumn's avatar
BlackSnowWonderland's avatar
KreepingSpawn's avatar
This should be a video game. :nod:
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