Today has been a very strange day. A day of strange resolution. So, to give some details of my daily life: I used to have a job, I was good at that job, but the last place I was in... I couldn't adapt, and I broke. That was a year ago, and even since I have battled with depression and anxiety, and I realised that I was like a boxer: once a boxer endures the worst beating of their lives, when it breaks their spirit, they cannot box again.
I could not box again for my previous work.
Ever since I have been stranding from here to there, not knowing in which direction, letting the waves take me. I have been workless even since, living on my savings. I only began drawing again three months ago. But apart of it, and even if I am jobhunting, it seemed like I could not find what I really wanted to do. I like drawing, I like writing, I like editing, I like translating texts like poems and songs... but I do not have the slightest idea of how I can turn that into something that I can make a living from.
But today... something has changed. I began with needing to do something that it wasn't drawing. I had requests pending, but I could not face them. I wanted to do SOMETHING DIFFERENT. So I directed my attention to my online presence. I cleaned my email account, I deleted the online diary that I devoted to my anxiety, I deleted another diary that I had written about minimalism and that nobody had read even after twenty posts. I tried to delete the blog about translating Spanish songs to English, but I could not access the account (what password was it?). You may say "how can you delete something you invested so much time in?". Do not worry, I downloaded the contents first, so I can at some point look back and rejoin my old self.
And then I went for a walk. And I began thinking, "Akikkakikka, you need a webpage". Somewhere to put your CV, somewhere you can translate songs, somewhere with a portfolio with your best drawings, somewhere where you can update people about your stories. The Witch and her Demon are beloved in DA, as Seadancers is. What about selling drawings? What do you need? A tablet and a scanner! And a part-time job to keep things going. You are doing pretty well living in Finland with only ca. 600 euros per month. You need new pens. Let's buy watercolours and notebooks and begin practising new art styles."
I feel full of determination. But I know myself: I will soon again believe it's for nothing. That I am not good enough. That I am not smart enough. That there is nothing that I can do. And it's partly because of these thoughts that I struggle finding a job. I can be so pathetic sometimes. Nevermind that I am the only one who can write my stories and draw my drawings.
Recently, someone told me "if you are not feeling like moving, it is just that you are still needing healing, you are not ready". But I wonder how long I still can allow myself to stay like this. I wonder if today's burst of energy is the beginning of that healing. I wish I wasn't this alone. That I had a friend who I could talk everyday with, who would encourage me. I wish I had my own little Demon.