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I want her. I want to possess her, to mark my ownership upon her flesh with my mouth and to see yearning in her clear blue eyes. I want her to burn for me the way I do for her. I want to give in to this creeping darkness inside me, this insidious smoldering. I want to step out of myself and watch it happen.

I want whispered words, muffled by lips pressed to soft lips. I want mingled breath and mirrored heartbeats coming fast and frenzied. I want to hear her gasp. I want to temper her beauty with passion, to forge her in my desire and watch her emerge, sweaty and shining and beautiful.

I want to bask in the embers of spent passion. I want to feel the liquid copper of afterglow trickle through our limbs, leaving us languid and calm.  I want to twine my fingers through her pale gold hair and mold myself to her gentle curves. I want to kiss her forehead gently as she drifts to sleep. I want to press my face to her cheek and breathe, “I am yours.”
:iconagmeade:

Desire by AGMeade

Watch Mature Content
An experiment. As always, critique is not only welcomed, it is encouraged.

Completely outside my comfort zone, I'd like suggestions on what to improve.


To Meg.

Edit 5/19/2009: Clarified "stepping into" by changing it to "out of," and also changed the sentence containing "synchronized" to "mirrored."
Add a Comment:
 
:iconveinsrunempty:
I know you asked for a critique, but this is really very excellent and I wouldn't change much about at all.

I do have a couple things, though....so I hope they help you out.

"I want to step into myself and to watch it happen." I kind of don't really understand this line. It seems to me like that means that you were outside your body and are coming back in? *confused* I think you could say something about stepping outside yourself, or stepping into the other person, or something along those lines that fits into the part about possessing her.

The only other note I would really give you, is in the next paragraph, "synchronized" sounds kind of weird and technical and tired, and throws me off when I'm reading it, since the rest of it is fast and hot and reads very easily and quickly.

These are so minor...I question their usefulness to you. Very nicely done! ^_^
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
12 out of 13 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconatrue:
This piece starts out very strong. I love the "mark my ownership upon her flesh" phrase as it leaves it up to the imagination of the reader how that mark is made. To keep up the strength, however, I'd suggest changing "clear blue eyes" to a stronger image, since that is a little cliche and the words themselves a little blase. Alliteration with a stronger word could work well her (e.g. brazen blue eyes), although I don't want to tell you what characteristic to give them.

I actually like the "I want to step out of myself and watch it happen" line. It says that you're going to be an exhibitionist and a voyeur at the same time, which is very sexy. :D

The second paragraph is wonderful. I don't see anything there that needs changing.

I'm not sure that the word "languid" is the right one given the imagery. It's sounds like you're using forging imagery, and though I don't know about metal work, I think that metal is mallable when it's hot and becomes stiff and unworkable when it's cold. So languid just seems wrong here, even though I know you were going for a lazy feeling rather than flexibility, that's the impression the word leaves me with.

Overall, I'd say this is very good. Erotic without being blatant, with excellent word choices throughout. Good job!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconkayleerydder:
KayleeRydder Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
If this is outside of your comfort zone purhaps you should step out of the comfort zone a little more often. well done
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013   Writer
Maybe I will. Thanks for taking the time to comment. ♥
Reply
:iconkayleerydder:
KayleeRydder Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
you took time to write, the least i can do is comment
Reply
:icongalaxygoddess:
GalaxyGoddess Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's really harsha nd bracing, but in a purely lusty sexual way. Nicely done.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013   Writer
Thanks.
Reply
:iconlillium32:
Lillium32 Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this is truly a beautiful peice. I absolutely adore how you really made the passion clear in this , I could almost feel it as i was reading it. It is the perfect description of desire and could very well truly describe sexual tension as well :P this peice truly is fantastic so ima go ahead and favourite this! :iconhurrplz:
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much for both the comment and the fav. It's always nice to know that something I wrote was able to touch someone in some way (no pun intended). ♥
Reply
:iconlillium32:
Lillium32 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you are most welcome :) hoping to see more from you :heart:
Reply
:iconlucidity79:
LUCiDiTY79 Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2009
Absolutely loved it....keep up the good work!
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2009   Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconarcharad:
ArchArad Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2009
You had me from the first line.

Wonderful in its sensuality and honesty.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2009   Writer
*smile* Thank you. That was a fairly personal piece.
Reply
:iconlalmieus:
lalmieus Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2009
gorgeous
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009   Writer
Thank you. *smile*
Reply
:iconlalmieus:
lalmieus Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2009
welcome :D
Reply
:iconsaintlydark:
SaintlyDark Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2009
When you write on this subject you always shine.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2009   Writer
*smiles a little* Thank you.
Reply
:iconpenessence:
Penessence Featured By Owner May 23, 2009
Fantastic
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 24, 2009   Writer
thank you.
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
Jade-Pandora Featured By Owner May 20, 2009
For this piece being so much out of your comfort zone, I think you did quite well - and so far, it's garnered 44 faves as well!

As you might know by now - especially since you so kindly commented to my latest piece ("Corset"), you probably noticed that this is a place I'm totally comfortable in when it comes to writing. I mention that so you understand that I appreciate when I see someone try to take flight with this sort of creative expression.

I also hope you'll come visit more often as well. And that your recovery continues successfully. :heart:
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 20, 2009   Writer
Thank you so much for your kind words. I will definitely be keeping an eye out on your latest works. *smile*
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
Jade-Pandora Featured By Owner May 21, 2009
:thanks:
Reply
:iconbuffalo-guy:
buffalo-guy Featured By Owner May 19, 2009
Beautifully written, and very successful! :)
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 20, 2009   Writer
Thank you very much.
Reply
:icontwistedblossoms:
Twistedblossoms Featured By Owner May 19, 2009  Hobbyist
this is excellent
although i do agree that the word sycronized doesn't quie fit
altogether quite darn splendid
i loved it
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 20, 2009   Writer
I've fixed the bit with synchronized. Thank you so much for your input!
Reply
:icontwistedblossoms:
Twistedblossoms Featured By Owner May 20, 2009  Hobbyist
no problemoit is a really great peice
Reply
:iconmalaena:
Malaena Featured By Owner May 18, 2009
This is gorgeous! It makes me think of someone who happens to be a thousand miles away right now! It actually made me a bit misty-eyed!
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 19, 2009   Writer
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I'm glad that it touched you in some way. *smile*
Reply
:iconitismestwin:
itismestwin Featured By Owner May 17, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
I couldn't resist. You know, Comment and making your inbox even fuller. Just saying. I like the piece by the way. Very feasible *smiles*. The diction is superb as always. I like the sweaty part. Just so you know. Always I am fond of the part that says "To Meg" I know it's not in the actual piece but still, I think it's a thing that make the whole piece in my opinion of course.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
*smiles* All for you.
Reply
:iconwh0rem0ans:
wh0rem0ans Featured By Owner May 16, 2009
I confess.
I usually absolutely hate love poems.
This is beautiful.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
Thank you so much for the kind comment. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconsetzuo:
Setzuo Featured By Owner May 16, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
excellent usage of words! (not in a stupid, "Hey! That sounded smart!" way, but in a definate "I know how to use words to paint a picture!" way)

I approve!
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for the kind words.
Reply
:iconveinsrunempty:
veinsrunempty Featured By Owner May 16, 2009
Couldn't resist leaving a comment too...I really like how hot and passionate this piece. ^_^
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
*smiles* Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Reply
:iconveinsrunempty:
veinsrunempty Featured By Owner May 17, 2009
Definitely...I hope my critique helped, some. It's really a hot piece. :)
Reply
:iconfawesome13:
fawesome13 Featured By Owner May 16, 2009
Amazing. But the "sweaty" part takes away some of the awsomeness of it though.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'll take your suggestion under advisement.
Reply
:iconabbles56:
Abbles56 Featured By Owner May 16, 2009
very passionate.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:icondoodoodle:
doodoodle Featured By Owner May 16, 2009
I love it
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
I'm glad. Thank you.l
Reply
:iconamon-ra-chibi:
amon-ra-chibi Featured By Owner May 16, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
Brilliant as always :nod: Writing a guy's point of view has always challenged me, so your piece is bloody fantastic :D
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
*blinks*

I was writing from my point-of-view. *smiles* This is mildly autobiographical.
Reply
:iconamon-ra-chibi:
amon-ra-chibi Featured By Owner May 18, 2009  Hobbyist General Artist
AH :oops:
Reply
:iconjade-pandora:
Jade-Pandora Featured By Owner May 20, 2009
many female writers have expressed using themselves as the main observer and quite often it's taken (by some readers) as an attempt to express as if from a male's view... I've done this through some of my poetry... alot more than people would suspect unless they know me well...

I love that AG was true to her own feelings to write her observations :clap:
Reply
:iconiamphoenixmoth:
IAmPhoenixMoth Featured By Owner May 15, 2009
That.
was.
fucking.
amazing.
I love the language and the gripping passion behind it.
Reply
:iconagmeade:
AGMeade Featured By Owner May 17, 2009   Writer
There is much passion. *tiny smile*

Thank you, Epi.
Reply
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Submitted on
May 15, 2009
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