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Amber Grace, Prosetitute
376 Watchers64K Page Views145 Deviations
Artist // Literature
  • Aug 20, 1984
  • United States
  • Deviant for 13 years
  • She / Her
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Comments

I hadn't decided I was going to do it until I did. So this is me vocalizing that decision. And stuff. <3

I meant the one being complimented, since the 'other' private was only told that camp would be made shortly. I'm sorry that it was unclear.
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I don't do critiques in this format very often so I must beg your forgiveness if the following is not what you are used to. I would like to say before I get started that anything I say from this point forward is strictly to do with your work and is no way intended to attack you personally. As with all critique, you are welcome to take my advice or leave it as you see fit.

First up, some general things.

The story seems like an interesting beginning, but it has literally gone nowhere. This nameless Private has been recognized for his marching ability by the higher ups and.... nothing. It definitely feels incomplete. Not even like a vignette.

I think perhaps the adverbs slow down the pacing of the story. "I nodded slowly," "I quickly saluted" "Grudgingly, I sped up." For the most part, these do the opposite for the prose of what the action is describing. I'd go through and decide which the story absolutely cannot live without and which are just slowing you down.


Some specific things:

"Left, right, left, right..." the Colonel said, keeping us soldiers on pace.

The marching chant that they would use to keep them on pace (which, obviously, is not working as some of the soldiers have fallen behind, you should take a look at the phrasing there) is "Left. Left. Left-right-left."

Again, I was startled by the same Sergeant. "Oh- thank you sir!"

Again implies that it's by the same Sergeant. You don't need both qualifiers. Also, you need a comma after 'you' and sir should be capitalized as it is a title.

I personally wasn't that tired, I had done harder conditioning than most.

'personally' seems to be awkwardly placed in this sentence. I'm not sure it's even needed.

I nodded slowly, seeing the truth in his words. "I'll do better, sir!"

Again, capitalize the Sir.



I did enjoy the story. I was curious as to where they were going and why they were marching. I hope you find the opportunity to expand it.
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

As you know from #LitShare, I had a bit of trouble reading this. Today, I sucked it up and finished. Let me say first that this is an incredibly uncomfortable piece. The fact that it's subject matter is so, for lack of a better word, disgusting is part of what makes it work so well. I don't like it, but that's because I don't like the subject matter. You did a great job.

Here are some things that I noticed, style wise, that I feel are taking away from the piece itself:

Slowly squeezing the life out of her
As he quickly thrust himself into her


I can appreciate the dichotomy here, but the repetition of her so quickly at the end of the couplet takes away from the power of what is being said.

Beads of sweat swimming down his face

Here, I think "swimming" doesn't quite work with the image of sweat dripping down a face. It works a little the same as "Wiggling" did before you took it out. I think, given the brutality of the act, you should find a more brutal way of portraying the sweat. "Droplets of sweat carving a path down his face"..

dropping onto hers

Again, the brutality is somewhat blunted by the blandness of the word.

While her hair flew in the air
stirring the concoction like a scientist mixes vials for the perfect antidote

I really like the second half of this, though I'm not sure how hair would effect that sort of image. I felt a mild disconnect from the rest of this stanza. I'm assuming the concoction is the sweat and blood, if that's so and it's being mixed with her hair, I'm not sure that stirring is the proper word here.

And she cried out, "Stop, daddy. Please."

This is a matter of punctuation. The way it is now, she's calmly asking her father to stop while he chokes the life out of her. Exclamation points would be useful here.

But that bitch deserved it.

Both times I read this line, I mentally added "little" so that it read, "But that little bitch deserved it." I think it would add something, and re-emphasize that this is just a little girl.

But that bitch deserved it.
She shouldn't dress so sexy
Walkin' the way she does

The change in tense through me. It's either past or present, both confuses the reader.

Someone already mentioned the fact that the perspective shifts are unsettling. I might try breaking the poem up with Roman numerals or some-such, signaling the change.

The back of my hand swam across her cheeks like a coy fish

Coy is ... not right here. Coy is shy and playful. He slapped her. Make it mean something.

Watching that man steal the last breath from my wretched daughter's lungs

Again, the word choice here seems odd. A woman is watching her child be murdered by the man she loves, and she thinks of the child as wretched? If some part of her wants to stop it, I doubt she despised the little girl. I'd suggest a more gentle word, here.

Like her mother's veil hides the malice and tears.

Same as my previous complaint. It seems an odd word choice. The mother feels malice? If so, it should be shown in some way before this.

Really, quite a.. powerful piece. Disturbing. It has quite a bit of potential.