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Old West - cover by ADONOVAN94 Old West - cover by ADONOVAN94
This is the cover for the Rango fanfiction I'm thinking about doing. 
My first attempt at using photoshop to colour my drawing... I'm not sure if it worked out okay. You guys tell me what you think.
The story will be a Rattlesnake Jake/OC, with a splash of Rango/Beans thrown in. :)
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:iconluckysweep:
Luckysweep Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2016
SPOILERS!!
Well I've just finished catching up with the chapters, and I have to say, I think you may be overcomplicating the plot a bit, so it might be hard to tie up, but only the secondary plot. The primary plot with Grace and Jake's relationship is still wonderfully paced, believable, and Jakes entire transition from his initial "I don't give a s**t about your life" to his current "Your mine, I'm yours, and anyone coming between us is DEAD" felt like a natural evolution of how he thinks.
The plot with Dufayel and the gold, however, seems to be meandering without much apparent aim. He first mines in secret with these terror causing outlaw gang before turning around and going full on legal case. Then there was that kingsnake who seemed to want to eat Jake, and he just dissapeared after being shot. There was the gunslinger court whose purpose I cannot see outside of an overly complicated excuse for Jake to know other outlaws, and they have yet to contribute anything. And now there's Grace's old husband, whose physical presence in the story I cannot understand.

Now, if you are trying to make it so it is unclear what Dufayel is planning, good. Having the master plan a mystery until the big revelation (like they did in the movie) is fun, but only when done right. The main problem I see is that instead of focusing on the overarching question of WHAT he is doing, WHY is becoming more of a problem.
I feel that the Gunslinger court could actually be used to help this. Using them as a second-hand source of what Dufayel is doing would actually help with the mystery. For example, they could have been the ones to give the news about Hellsing being hired for some job instead of the slightly confusing conversation we get with Dufayel spelling out his plan. That would have made the appearance of Benjamin more of a surprise.
I do hope this helped a little.
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:iconroxythehedgehog001:
roxythehedgehog001 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2018
Gurl! I've been reading your fan fiction on the Fan fiction website please tell me ya finished it please don't leave a girl hanging. I gotta know what happens and if Grace and Jake are gonna get back together and that if little Teddy is okay. Omg you are a fantastic writer I've read good Fan fiction but I never read one where I sat in my room all day reading all 31 chapters in one go. I'm so super hooked right now to know what happens next
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
This does help, thank you.
I'm very pleased that you like the relationship progression - funnily enough, that was what I was most worried about.
I am disappointed that the plot seems all over the place, but I hope that when everything is revealed in its entirety, it will all make sense. Remember this: none of these plot points that you mention are done with, they are all still happening, but they need to wait for their appropriate time before they become relevant and much more significant again for the final play out. I swear, this all makes much more sense in my head.
I hope that I can please you again and pull it all together in the upcoming chapters. The chapter after next is where the plot slowly begins to creep back in and eventually pick up speed.
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:iconluckysweep:
Luckysweep Featured By Owner Edited Jan 31, 2016
Well, it has been two months since the last comment on this picture, and only two days since my last re-read of this fic on your fanfiction account. I don't have an account there, so I'm glad to have found this.
WARNING: SLIGHT SPOILERS AHEAD
I must say that your development of Jake and Grace is very well done. While there are a few other Jake/OC fanfics in the Rango Archive, they don't really make the pairing seem as real as you are doing. The ones I've read can be summed up with "a young, spirited, snarky snake comes to town, meets Jake because forced reasons, and they fall in mushy Looove". I like how your fic, for the most part, doesn't follow this. Grace is a native to Mud, a mother round her late 20's early 30's, and knows about Jake so she has to get over her bad (yet truthful) impressions about Jake. The relationship is also being gradual, with Grace being "he might not be the WORST person of an outlaw" and Jake being a transition from "I actually DON'T want to kill you" to "your death would affect me" with a little lust thrown in. I haven't gotten the feeling of a legitimate romantic connection yet, but I do see the start of a friendship, at the least. If you write it well, a romance could happen, though to what degree is up to you.
Note, however, I did say MOST of the summary was different. With what we know now, Grace and Jake's meeting seems a little forced. When Jake is called in, it's because a group of mercinaries who had been harassing Mud said they were looking for a snake and Rango couldn't think of anybody else that could mean. Now that we know the Big Bad wants to drive off EVERYONE in Mud and the surrounding area, there's no known reason for the mercenaries to be searching for anyone in specific. Outside of setting up the reason for Jake and Grace meeting, we have no idea WHY they were looking for a Snake, or even of Grace WAS the snake they were looking for! This may be fixed in a future chapter, but for now it's a bit questionable.
Moving on to the good points, you write the characters here very well. The focus on Grace and Jake is rather good in their development without detracting from anybody else. Early in the fic you noted how it was tricky to make both Rango and Jake Badasses without one of them looking uncharacteristicly weak. I urge you to keep this notion in mind, because a lot of writers fall into the trap of trying to make one character seem strong by making everyone else seem weak. Don't also forget that they do have flaws and weaknesses. Rango, for instance, is great at making and carrying out plans, but he isn't the best spur-of-the-moment planning if something goes awry without a backup plan. Like in the movie, he panics a little when Jake doesn't stop over the gopher hole. Even Jake has his weaknesses that can be used against him. Despite the fact that he has what amounts to a tattling gun on his tail, his phobia of Hawks is so large that he would rather run and hide before coming into sight of one. Remember, weaknesses are just as important to a character as strength.
The most prominent of your OC's are Grace and her son Teddy. Grace is a natural homesteading mother. It's good that she isn't actively looking for another man, so her relationship with Jake grows more naturally. She obviously makes a good enough living to raise her son, and knows how to protect herself. Though some of her actions do make me wonder if she's trying to prove something, like when she investigates the tunnels without telling anyone. Teddy, on the other hand, could use some development. While he is a sweet kid, he doesn't really do much in the story. Outside of his scene with Jake, we don't really know much about him outside of being a generic eager child. Does he help out and learn around the farm? Does he idolize Jake because he's the first adult Teddy's known outside his ma? Does he get bored or can be entertain himself? He's a bit of a mystery despite being his mama's only son. Just feel like he's a bit underused.
As for the antagonists, I haven't seen enough of them to make a call yet. They could either become good villains, or become rather generic. We don't really know what the plans for the gold are, or what the endgame is. Tortoise John wanted to make a future with himself holding all the power, and he would manipulate or kill anyone to bring that vision about. All we know of Dufayel is he wants gold. Does he see some use to it? What can he do with yellow rocks in a land where water equates to riches?
I hope you like my critique. Sorry I didn't post it on fan fiction.net.
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I can only apologise profusely for not replying sooner! I've been locked out of Deviantart since January, and only just got it back.

First of all, thank you for this phenomenal review. I honestly do appreciate all your words, both of criticism and support. They help me immeasurably. Secondly, I completely understand not posting the review on ff.net, it's totally fine.

I'm very pleased to see that you're enjoying the story, and now that a few months have passed, perhaps some of your questions and/or worries have been answered. Your points of improvement I agree with, so thank you for pointing them out and I'll be sure to address those issues as soon as I possibly can.

I would love to hear more from you. You have a very good eye for both the Rango subject as well as fiction construction. Sorry this reply isn't longer, but I have to go to work. I hope we can talk soon.
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:iconluckysweep:
Luckysweep Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2016
No need to apologize at all! The fact you replied testifies how much you care both about your fans and this fic!

Coincidentally, I was re-reading the fic when this comment showed up. Currently, I'm on chapter nine. I really like how Teddy is the principle mediator with Grace and Jake. He first suggests getting Jake's help when setting up the fence, and when Jake catches Teddy in hunting practice, Teddy seems to act like Jake is still a person. A scary person, maybe, but that is still a far cry from the legendary heartless grim reaper that practically everybody else sees him as. He's a good kid, and I hope he gets better.

I'm still reading, but re-reads really help me think about these characters. I've read a lot of books and fanfiction of various quality, and written some myself. I know how hard it is to just sit down and write something good before life inevitably intrudes, and the fact you are able to write at all, let alone something of this quality, it commendable.
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
I always try to respond to readers. I may not always be able to, but I do try for those that put in the effort to give me such constructive feedback, such as you have.

I'm glad you like Teddy. I do hope to go into his character a little more as some of the drama unfolds. As of now, when things are okay with him in life, he's just the average kid. Had a good childhood with a mother who loves him, so he's just the generic happy-go-lucky chap. Its when things hit the fan that I want to really look into him, and through that, Grace.

Thank you. I'm humbled that you would give me such praise :) Of course, none of this would be possible without fans telling me when I'm going wrong and what they want to see. I don't give into all their demands, as this story gives me artistic vision. But I do listen when they curb my overly-wild enthusiasm. So thank you.
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:iconluckysweep:
Luckysweep Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2016
Good to see you are so thoughtful! :D

It's good that you started out with a simple archetype for Teddy. What I'm looking foreward to in future chapters is what he grows into.

Currently on chapter 11. Bit of a nitpick that probably only bothers me, but the fourth paragraph says "Little Teddy was sitting in the shade of the porch, a little bottle of water in ONE HAND." While the sentence flows fine, and I get what you mean, it just bothers me with the fact Teddy is a snake. Just a nitpick, otherwise it isn't really that important.
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh no! Will fix that ASAP! Fingers ran away from my brain...
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:iconluckysweep:
Luckysweep Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2016
I actually helped?? YAY!
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:iconstonecoldaphrodite:
StonecoldAphrodite Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2015
Ah I found it! XD
I adore your story and this cover is really awesome.^^
Can't wait to read more chapters and see more art :)
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Hahaha, thank you! I'm glad you like it :D
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:iconsanookamitora7:
sanookamitora7 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015
I've already read the first four chapters! Please update soon you absolute LEGEND
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you! :) I'm very pleased to see you like the story so far! :)
Another chapter is in production I can assure you. It should be up very soon.
Thanks again!
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:iconsanookamitora7:
sanookamitora7 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2015
I have also written a Rango fanfic myself called Diamonds. It actually starts off similar to your story but Jake is slightly more mellow in my version-but he can also be an intimidating, ruthless badass when time calls for it.
Then there's a human girl involved. And...things go pear shaped! 😃
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:iconboxjelly1:
Boxjelly1 Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I love Rango!
Do it! You can't go wrong with Rattlesnake Jake.
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Me too! :D 
Thank you :) I'm glad you like the idea... and I may just write this and see how it goes. ;) Jake is awesome - I've wanted to do something with him for so long that I don't think I can hold it in any longer! :D
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:iconboxjelly1:
Boxjelly1 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Go for it! Follow your gut!
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! I will! :D
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:iconmegadracosaurus:
megadracosaurus Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Student
I'm personally all for it. As I said on FanFiction, Jake is simply the embodiment of badass. His design, his movements, his voice...A spin-off movie about him would be awesome! I especially love his lines and I will admit without any shame whatsoever I may have stolen them every once in a while ;)
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh that he is ;) And thank you for your support, I think I may do this idea :)
And hell yes I would love a spin-off movie! Hell, even just a second Rango movie with him in it would be enough! That movie was stunning and awesome! 
We're all guilty of that ;)
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:iconmegadracosaurus:
megadracosaurus Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015  Student
Meh, I wasn't a big fan of the movie to be honest. Sure, it was well animated and it did made me laugh a couple of times. But the story was very predicteble and I never really liked the whole 'liar become's hero' story. The only thing I really, really loved was Jake XD that saved it for me.

I think you'll like this story btw ;) www.fanfiction.net/s/6844709/1…
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
That's fair enough. 

And just read the story. Really liked it. Thanks :)
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:iconmegadracosaurus:
megadracosaurus Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2015  Student
Nevertheless, I was kind of surprised when our American friend told me you were gonna do a fic about Jake, given you aren't the biggest snake lover out there. But I'm glad you did! I already faved and reviewed it ;)

I had a feeling you would ;)
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:icongoldenraidor6:
GoldenRaidor6 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
Oh...my...GOSH! THIS LOOKS AWESOME! :D I can't wait for this!!!

I like the appearance of your OC...definitely feel sorry for her after (STATIC) when you told me via Fanfiction. So can't wait ^_^
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:icongoldenraidor6:
GoldenRaidor6 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015
With your style, making your OC's realistic and making said OC's your own: there's no doubt in my mind that this fic and your OC are going to be AWESOME!

I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it again: you're amazing ^_^
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:iconadonovan94:
ADONOVAN94 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! :D I now can't wait to write this! It's been bouncing in my head for the past week! 
I'm glad you like the look of my OC ;) I hope I got her looking close enough to a Glossy Snake. I just wanted something very different from Jake and all the female-rattlesnakes currently in the Rango Fanfiction archive :/
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