It has been 3 years since "it" started. When i was around 12, i developed a critical thinking and take interest in Philosophy, in fact, i actually had philosophies of my own and yet, i did not know it was called " philosophy " back then. I was obsessed with thinking in this "philosophy". The obsession that is the same as my obsession with art. I question all these facts, these logics, these possibility, and the unknown - is there a reason to everything? Why are there good and evil? What is causing all these repeated events that happens in life? Is everything connected - i found the answer to the questions, however, i was... stopped, or rather, blocked, by this wall, a storm, called "confusion". I had theory that we human could possibly know many things, we had the ability, we are give one, but we do not completely understand of this ability.
So, i set my goal to break through this wall, the "confusion" to find one ultimate answer that is the core answer, the answer to all questions and answers that i have. So, i start my journey of critical thinking, rational argument ( rather call it discussion ), and self-awareness. The people, the landscape, the place, the sound, the life that i see, hear, and know, becomes source for my thinking, a subject. I find every existing object, alive or not, as an interesting subject to observe. Yes, i love observing. Finally, i continue this for the next 3 years.
In the 2nd year, i can say that i have founded the answer, and the answer gives me this... feeling of nourishment, satisfaction and realization. That realization that it was complex and simple at the same time. But, It was rough for me, the year was 2016-2017, my Junior High School environment, the group of society in it, does not understand nor accept this concept i have. Of course, i was blinded and forgot about how we people are scared of things we do not understand. Eventually, coming to understanding of being an outcast in their eyes, i decide to sideline myself. I, myself, have caused plenty of problems to both me and everyone around me.
And eventually, i had this one thinking of everything:
" everything around us revolves based on fate. The good and rotates like the yin and yang. Hence, the reason of all existing good and evil, the repeating events, actions, or fate, is all because everything exist as it is. the reason why humanity was evil and good, was because of our fated existence. Which is why, i think, to end all suffering and happiness, the repeating cycle of these emotions and events, is for everything to disappear. It is better for us to actually die and never exist in the first place. "
This... thinking was based on one perspective, it was immature and naive of me. What the world shows me and teaches me, is what made me as me, but how i take it, is what made my path as the path i will take.
Say, am i insane? Is it insane for me to think like this? Is it wrong for me just because i am like this? That is caused problem to everyone and just do the same thing over and over again?
Am i hopeless because i already take this path? That it happened to me? Am i insane because i am obsessed? Is it wrong that i am obsessed?
Well, haha, i talked too much there. I shouldn't really let this spilled too much.
If you read, sorry for taking your time, i hope you have a nice day, Thank you! ^_^