TWO FIGHTERS! NO RESEARCH! ONE MINUTE MELEE!

Setting: Deserted Island

The island was serene and peaceful... At first it was, anyway. Something was crawling out of the sea and onto the shore of the island... First, all that could be seen was a bunch of white hair... And then Jasper, or rather, one of the Jaspers of the Gem Homeworld. And in her hand she had a blue teardrop-shaped Gem that she looked like she wanted to just crush.

"You..." Jasper panted. "You really thought you could keep me in line, you brat!?" She then began clenching her fist. "No one can! And now I'm going to-!"

But before she could finish that thought, she was suddenly ran over by a steamboat, which she then crawled out from under... Only to be hit straight on the head by an anchor and knocked out. The owner of this boat was none other than Popeye the Sailor Man, who took a deep breath of the salty air and jumped off onto the sandy beach. "Ah, I loves me th' smell of th' open sea! Hope me old pal Eugene's been-" he said in a relaxed tone. He then looked behind him, and his hat nearly flew off his head when he saw Jasper underneath his anchor. "Ohmagosh!" he said before lifting the anchor off of her. Jasper pushed herself up and growled, glaring at the sailor. "Awfully sorry about that sir, I didn't sees ya there-"

But as he was apologizing, Jasper just grabbed him by the collar and picked him up. "IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE, HUMAN!?" she shouted. "If you want to die then I can help you!"

"Hey now, buddy, I'm tryin' to be civilized here," said Popeye, "no need t' be rude-"

Jasper just punched him right in the kisser, sending him flying backwards into the sand.

"Pathetic!" she shouted. "Just-" But then she saw Popeye simply stand up as if nothing happened, except now he also looked angry.

Popeye straightened his hat and cracked his neck. "All right, if that's how it's gonna be then that's how it's gonna be." he said. "Put up your dukes, ya big orange palooka!"

    (Cue: Ken's Stage (Super Smash Bros. for Wii U))

Jasper glared and ran toward him...

MAY THE STRONGEST WIN!

FIGHT!

She punched Popeye square in the face, knocking him down, only for him to get right back up again and deck her one right back. And then another one. He went for another one, only for Jasper to grab his wrist and throw him back into the ground behind her. She then summoned her crash helmet and picked Popeye up, headbutting him as hard as she could, which again, knocked him back... And again, he managed to get right back up from it.

"Wha... How are you still standing!?"

Popeye took off his hat and knocked on his head twice. "Thick skulls runs in me family." he said with a chuckle.

Annoyed, Jasper continued attempting to punch the sailor, only for him to avoid damage in typical cartoony fashion. He then decked Jasper once more in the face, shattering the glass of her helmet, and then punched her so hard she was sent flying back and landed hard in the sand. Popeye ran up to the Gem to see if she was still up, and up she was as she then grabbed him and threw him away, then curled into a ball and Comet Dashed directly into the sailor and send the two of them through the island's jungle, until Popeye managed to ground himself and push against Jasper, then wound up a punch and once again sent her flying, this time straight into his steamboat. Jasper fell to her knees and looked forward, looking disgruntled.

"This isn't possible! He's just a human! How is he so strong!?" Jasper said to herself.

Just then, she glanced over and saw Lapis' gemstone, and picked it up. "With her out of commission, I'll make this easy for myself...!" she said as she began forcing the gem into her skin.

Popeye chuckled with confidence as he came out of the jungle to confront her once more. "Well, ya had enough, ya overgrown carrot?" he asked with his eyes closed and arms crossed.

Jasper only grinned evilly as both her and Lapis' gems began glowing, and soon she became an amorphous white blob that glowed, growing larger and larger. Popeye finally opened his eyes and saw what was happening, then shook his head and looked upward...

    (Cue: Malachite (Steven Universe))

Suddenly, Jasper transformed into Malachite, a gigantic green monstrous Gem fusion with arms for legs. Malachite slammed down on the ground and laughed with powerful delight, dwarfing the sailor man in her shadow.

"Well blow me down..." Popeye said in a mix of amazement and fear.

Malachite raised up and held out her hand, causing spheres of water to emerge from the ocean. She looked down at Popeye, continuing to laugh, only for Popeye to raise a finger and ask "Hey now, don'tcha think this is a little bit overkill?"

Malachite then formed the spheres into spears and threw down her hand, causing them to fly toward Popeye, who yelped and ran away, ducking under the first spear and only barely avoiding the next two. Malachite then slammed her fist down upon him, only for the sailor to then run into the jungle. Malachite sprouted a pair of water wings and flew above the jungle, finally seeing Popeye stop to catch his breath in an open patch. Popeye reached into his shirt and pulled out a can of spinach. "All right, two can play the power-up game!" he said. But as he was opening the can, Malachite curled into a ball and dashed down toward the sailor with Jasper's crash helmet. Popeye finally noticed this, and his only response was...

"Uh-oh."

Malachite slammed into the ground hard, creating an earthquake that shook the whole island... And woke up Eugene the Jeep, who was sleeping in a hut. Confused, Eugene teleported away to find out what all the commotion was. What it was, though, was Malachite crushing an unconscious Popeye in her hand and picking him up.

"Well, you had enough, human!?" Malachite said before throwing him hard enough to land in the ocean.

Popeye sputtered as he swam to the surface and coughed, but not all hope was lost with him as he still had his spinach... Until Malachite began altering the water and tossed him around. "You're only a human! You're PATHETIC!"

As Popeye was being thrown around by the water trying to grab the can of spinach, Eugene pushed aside some leaves and saw what was going on. "There's only room for ONE of us to be the strongest!" Malachite shouted as she encased the sailor in a wall of ice, only inches away from his greatest weapon, the can of spinach.

Malachite cackled, and seeing this made Eugene gasp from fright. He knew he had to help his friend somehow... And he knew the perfect way. He teleported onto Malachite's shoulder and tapped the side of her head, getting her attention... And then promptly poked her in her bottom left eye, making her scream in pain before slapping her shoulder. Malachite raised her hand and saw no sign of Eugene there, thinking she had squashed him... Only for the Jeep to then teleport on the ground next to her and blow a raspberry at her. Malachite began furiously smashing the ground in an attempt to crush the strange creature, only for him to just keep teleporting out of the way of her attacks and continuing to taunt her, even appearing in front of her face and causing her to punch herself.

While she was distracted, Popeye regained his consciousness and blew into his wooden pipe, creating fire that dug through the ice, creating an efficient tunnel between the pipe and the can of spinach. He then inhaled, sucking the spinach into his mouth.

Malachite finally managed to catch Eugene and begin crushing him in her hands. "Stupid... thing!" she shouted. "Were you trying to stop me!? No one can stop me! No o-!"

But suddenly, a loud explosion went off, sending chunks of ice flying. Malachite turned...

    (Cue: Popeye's Spinach Theme (Couldn't find a video on YouTube))

And saw Popeye free, standing on a floe of ice. He flexed his muscles, which formed them into the shape of Superman flying.

Malachite raised her hands in an attempt to summon a tidal wave to crush the sailor, but he managed to run across the water at lightning-fast speed and wind up a punch while doing so. He punched Malachite directly in the gut, causing the fusion to wince from pain and be sent flying backwards, leveling the jungle as she did so before finally slamming into the island's mountain and falling down. Malachite got back up and saw Popeye right in front of her, and clenched her fist to slam it down onto him, only for the sailor to effortlessly catch it and lift Malachite above his head, then repeatedly slam her into the ground before bunching the fusion up into a ball and tossing her, then pulling out a palm tree and striking her with it like a baseball bat, knocking her into the sky.

Malachite regained her focus and sprouted a pair of wings on her back. She glared downward at the sailor...

And then looked confused as he suddenly formed into a rocket with a fist out front and began flying up toward her, punching straight through her and causing the fusion to come undone by bloating up and then exploding into dust.

K.O.!

Jasper's gem fell onto the ground followed by Lapis', and then followed by Popeye, who was then greeted by Eugene. The Jeep joyfully leaped into Popeye's arms and gave him a hug.

"Aw, tanks for yer help, buddy." Popeye complimented.

Eugene then pointed at the two gemstones and chirped. Popeye glanced over, and then picked them both up.

"Well, these'r quite the beauties if I do say so meself!" he said. "These'd make lovely gifts fer Olive."

THIS MELEE'S WINNER IS...

POPEYE!

"You know, me thinks that was just a teensy bit longer than a minute."