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About Digital Art / Hobbyist MeganFemale/United States Groups :iconedens-labyrinth: edens-labyrinth
where fear becomes reality.
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Megan
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United States
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Pride

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Made with pride by the DeviantArt community BROWSE ALL ART

Hey everyone who's reading this, ^^ Also, please read this at your own risk, there will be some sensitive parts in this that you may not like. 

I actually kind of want to talk about myself for a long time now and I always been like this; always been. . . well, I always had anxiety and low self-esteem. I sometimes (mostly all the times) have trouble talking to people, I. . . try to hide in the shadows and just smile when I know I shouldn't. Well, I feel most of you guys are like; Oh I can relate! I'm glad if you can because I'm happy that I'm not the only one that's like this. I have low self-esteem because of I'm scared of being underestimated in the real world. I feel like I suffer in this world, sometimes, I just want to commit suicide. What do I mean underestimated? I mean like, let down, allow people to talk shit about me, people not liking me no matter what I do. I try to be this bundle of goodness toward others, but I don't know what else to do besides being that. I have anxiety because I'm sometimes scared of talking to people, that's where my anti-social comes in place. I'm anti-social, you may laugh at that but. . . I'm not in the best position to introduce myself to new people. New people, I just look away or. . . just not even talk to them. On the virtual internet, I'm not anti-social, I'm social but in real life, that's where I'm anti-social. I don't like talking to people in real life, it's not because of them. It's not, it's because of me. Anti-social started to happen when I went to middle school, new school, a lot more people I didn't know. 

Depression. Depression is such a strong word and. . . it hits me hard, I had depression since middle school, I knew I wasn't a kid anymore, I had to grow up and just get good grades. I question why can't I just do things I want to do, it's like I feel like I'm being pulled by strings. Anything I want to do, my parents would pull my strings and I would be retracted from the thing I want. I have depression because of stress and just feeling down, I never felt good about myself. I always have envied others, I always wished I was like others. I always wished I could have the things I want. I get depressed because of my parents, my parents, they don't understand me, they just don't. My mom is the only one that somewhat understands me. My dad, I hate him so much, life would be so much easier without my dad. Most of you guys are probably like, ouch, that's harsh. . . However, it's the truth, he's always either bitching about me or just plain mean to me. Sometimes, he's okay but mostly, I just hate him. 

Crying, I'm a really emotional person because I cry too much. I cry too much because I wish I was a better person. I wanted to be better than now. I want to be a perfect kid or a student. I cry whenever I feel there's something wrong with me or whenever I just feel sad. I cry when my parents yell at me, I wish that I was a better daughter. I cry sometimes because I wish I never existed. It hurts to be me, if someone wanted to trade bodies with me, I would refuse. I want to suffer and just learn from my sufferings. I cry because I wish I was not anti-social, have anxiety, feel weak, or low self-esteem. 

Suicide; a really touchy topic but I feel ready to expose it to everyone. Whenever I get depressed, I have suicide thoughts, I once googled; how to suicide. I felt sick of myself, I felt like this is the world where I was cursed. I felt ready to go even if it's going to Hell. In 8th grade, I almost suicide, I almost did, I didn't because of my mom. My mom was worried when I told her I was going to suicide. I wanted to suicide because of my dad and my life, I just want a restart like in a video game. My dad, I knew, he won't give any shit to my choices. He gave a whatever attitude when I was suicidal that night. My mom was probably furious at my dad for not caring at all. I didn't care anymore, I tried not to care about it anymore. Never have I ever felt so horrible, felt so horrible to kill myself. Yes, I'm still young, but I just never thought I would be that close but then. . . I didn't do it. 

English. I never really liked English that much but I try in English and for the people that are extremely good in English and cringing at my grammar mistakes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can not do any better, I was born with another language as my first language. English is my second language and I had to learn it by ELD, I dislike ELD very much. I always had low self-esteem because of my English too, I felt like I was the worse person to speak English. I wish I understood English more. I can't stop wishing and always wished things that are out of my reach or I can not reach for. English is the one thing I struggle most in, I don't know how I get okay scores in English, but I just do?. . . I don't know anymore. 

Lying to myself; I was never a good liar or ever would be, I always pretend everything is okay and shove everything deep inside of me. I never really let anything that's wrong of me out where people can judge me. I always told myself that I won't be judged but I feel one day I would and I would say, oh, I lied to myself. I never really let anything go and just keep it close to me. I lie to myself when I try to make myself be happy or just cheerful at anything really. 

Nervousness; I get nervous really easily, I get nervous when I'm in front of the class and have to recite something by memory or by paper. It just leads to something that shouldn't even be true. I just get nervous because of the people that I am around, I'm scared of doing something where they second thinks me. I get nervous when I have to present something that I feel terrible about. 

I feel that's enough about me, if it wasn't for my friends, music, and my love for books, I wouldn't be here. I'm so happy I have the three that I need the most.

Thank you. 
Thank you for reading this. 
If you related, thank you. 
Thank you so much. 
Have a nice day/morning/night.
. . .
I'm sorry. 

Why does this feel like a dream that feels like it's real? Where or what is this place that's called Earth? 
  • Drinking: My tears

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:iconmarietsloth:
Marietsloth Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey ho and thank you for the watch c:
Also I'm really sorry about these feelings you've been having from that journal you posted a while back hh, I hope that things have gotten better for you and that you're okay ;0; It's hard to feel worth something when there are so many people who seem so great at everything, but you shouldn't have to compare yourself with others! You're perfectly fine the way you are, and if you tried to be someone else then it just wouldn't be you. So even if you are anti-social and nervous, that isn't necessarily a bad thing because those are just what kinda make you who you are. Your English isn't at all bad in my opinion, either! I couldn't tell that it's your second language even if I am a native English speaker aa
I'm glad that you didn't kill yourself ;0; I don't really know you but I can say for sure that you seem like a good person and I'm certain you've affected more people than you think's lives in a positive way. No matter who you are, it wouldn't be the same without you. 
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:iconace-of-spades3220:
ace-of-spades3220 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i was meaning to type back but i guess my mind had other thoughts but thank you for your concern!! I wishi things had gotten better but I think things got a lot worse now ;_; I wish it could undo and go back to where it wasn't so bad like right now !! also aaa thank you for your words <333 i really don't know what to say ;V; 
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:iconmarietsloth:
Marietsloth Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
aa just don't be too hard on yourself jfdslkjfds
That's a really hard thing to do but once in a while I think it's nice to take a break or cut some slack on things if you can! Or at least take care of yourself in any way possible, and I think it's nice sometimes to take time of to do things you like instead of forcing yourself to do things you don't like to do hh
Just remember you always don't have to force yourself to do things and that it's always good to ask for help when you need it! No one's gonna judge you for it since a lot of people need the same help, and even if your parents are really unsupportive and you feel like there's no one you can talk to there still are people willing to help! And even if you doubt yourself I think that you're perfectly fine the way you are, and that you shouldn't change yourself to conform to societal expectation or to suit others. Then you wouldn't be yourself! I think it's also okay to regret things you have done but ultimately the things you regret having done have made you into someone who knows more ;0; And every day you live through gets you closer to better things that will happen in the future, even if it doesn't seem like it! 
Take care of yourself aa
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:iconace-of-spades3220:
ace-of-spades3220 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
<33 thank you for your kind words and I will take care of myself!! I'm working on my mental health atm so I can sort of fix my health for the time being!! <3
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(1 Reply)
:icongabbith13:
Gabbith13 Featured By Owner Edited Dec 4, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
HUEHUEHUE TIS I, YOUR GRANDMOTHER >: -)
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:iconace-of-spades3220:
ace-of-spades3220 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
HiIiii grAndmAaa
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:icongabbith13:
Gabbith13 Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
<3
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:iconnachtblatt:
Nachtblatt Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
nice art! iT is really beautiful! hAVE a new watcher <3
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:iconace-of-spades3220:
ace-of-spades3220 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
thank you! :D and <3 thank you for watching !!!
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:iconsarangjaimie:
sarangjaimie Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hey fruit!! i found ur deviantart ;))
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