Hey everyone who's reading this, ^^ Also, please read this at your own risk, there will be some sensitive parts in this that you may not like.
I actually kind of want to talk about myself for a long time now and I always been like this; always been. . . well, I always had anxiety and low self-esteem. I sometimes (mostly all the times) have trouble talking to people, I. . . try to hide in the shadows and just smile when I know I shouldn't. Well, I feel most of you guys are like; Oh I can relate! I'm glad if you can because I'm happy that I'm not the only one that's like this. I have low self-esteem because of I'm scared of being underestimated in the real world. I feel like I suffer in this world, sometimes, I just want to commit suicide. What do I mean underestimated? I mean like, let down, allow people to talk shit about me, people not liking me no matter what I do. I try to be this bundle of goodness toward others, but I don't know what else to do besides being that. I have anxiety because I'm sometimes scared of talking to people, that's where my anti-social comes in place. I'm anti-social, you may laugh at that but. . . I'm not in the best position to introduce myself to new people. New people, I just look away or. . . just not even talk to them. On the virtual internet, I'm not anti-social, I'm social but in real life, that's where I'm anti-social. I don't like talking to people in real life, it's not because of them. It's not, it's because of me. Anti-social started to happen when I went to middle school, new school, a lot more people I didn't know.
Depression. Depression is such a strong word and. . . it hits me hard, I had depression since middle school, I knew I wasn't a kid anymore, I had to grow up and just get good grades. I question why can't I just do things I want to do, it's like I feel like I'm being pulled by strings. Anything I want to do, my parents would pull my strings and I would be retracted from the thing I want. I have depression because of stress and just feeling down, I never felt good about myself. I always have envied others, I always wished I was like others. I always wished I could have the things I want. I get depressed because of my parents, my parents, they don't understand me, they just don't. My mom is the only one that somewhat understands me. My dad, I hate him so much, life would be so much easier without my dad. Most of you guys are probably like, ouch, that's harsh. . . However, it's the truth, he's always either bitching about me or just plain mean to me. Sometimes, he's okay but mostly, I just hate him.
Crying, I'm a really emotional person because I cry too much. I cry too much because I wish I was a better person. I wanted to be better than now. I want to be a perfect kid or a student. I cry whenever I feel there's something wrong with me or whenever I just feel sad. I cry when my parents yell at me, I wish that I was a better daughter. I cry sometimes because I wish I never existed. It hurts to be me, if someone wanted to trade bodies with me, I would refuse. I want to suffer and just learn from my sufferings. I cry because I wish I was not anti-social, have anxiety, feel weak, or low self-esteem.
Suicide; a really touchy topic but I feel ready to expose it to everyone. Whenever I get depressed, I have suicide thoughts, I once googled; how to suicide. I felt sick of myself, I felt like this is the world where I was cursed. I felt ready to go even if it's going to Hell. In 8th grade, I almost suicide, I almost did, I didn't because of my mom. My mom was worried when I told her I was going to suicide. I wanted to suicide because of my dad and my life, I just want a restart like in a video game. My dad, I knew, he won't give any shit to my choices. He gave a whatever attitude when I was suicidal that night. My mom was probably furious at my dad for not caring at all. I didn't care anymore, I tried not to care about it anymore. Never have I ever felt so horrible, felt so horrible to kill myself. Yes, I'm still young, but I just never thought I would be that close but then. . . I didn't do it.
English. I never really liked English that much but I try in English and for the people that are extremely good in English and cringing at my grammar mistakes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can not do any better, I was born with another language as my first language. English is my second language and I had to learn it by ELD, I dislike ELD very much. I always had low self-esteem because of my English too, I felt like I was the worse person to speak English. I wish I understood English more. I can't stop wishing and always wished things that are out of my reach or I can not reach for. English is the one thing I struggle most in, I don't know how I get okay scores in English, but I just do?. . . I don't know anymore.
Lying to myself; I was never a good liar or ever would be, I always pretend everything is okay and shove everything deep inside of me. I never really let anything that's wrong of me out where people can judge me. I always told myself that I won't be judged but I feel one day I would and I would say, oh, I lied to myself. I never really let anything go and just keep it close to me. I lie to myself when I try to make myself be happy or just cheerful at anything really.
Nervousness; I get nervous really easily, I get nervous when I'm in front of the class and have to recite something by memory or by paper. It just leads to something that shouldn't even be true. I just get nervous because of the people that I am around, I'm scared of doing something where they second thinks me. I get nervous when I have to present something that I feel terrible about.
I feel that's enough about me, if it wasn't for my friends, music, and my love for books, I wouldn't be here. I'm so happy I have the three that I need the most.
Thank you for reading this.
If you related, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Have a nice day/morning/night.
. . .
Why does this feel like a dream that feels like it's real? Where or what is this place that's called Earth?