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Puns are bad, but poetry is verse

Journal Entry: Fri Aug 25, 2017, 1:39 PM



It's been 2+ years since I posted a new poetry journal, Shakes Head by cynic which is just unacceptable. Allow me to remedy this by sharing some of my recent faves...

ALLERGY TO A TREE

For no apparent rhyme or reason
The carrier attacks in season
And keeps a constant weather eye
On all its aircraft in the sky;
Micro-raiders, built for stealth,
Who savagely assault my health.
A zillion pilots fly unseen
Evading antihistamine;
With silent guns they shoot the breeze
And bomb on target ...SNEEZE 'n SNEEZE!

Convulsions echo all day long
As in some jungle-mating song;
And all the while my trumpet blows
An everlasting river flows,
Drenching windows in my head
Till monochrome is streaked with red.
At closer range there looms a rash
Of kamikaze drones that crash -
And the poison gas in one fell stroke
Makes me gasp and wheeze and choke.

Poems are magic words revealing
Many a well-defended feeling,
But only a tree can stir and sway
And literally take my breath away.

-Irwin Flescher


THE STROKE

Standing in the Twilight Zone,
Lost in space and all alone
Blindly searching to find me
(Woman that I used to be.)
I could not find me, I was blind.
I widely searched but could not find
The me I knew was somewhere near.
I was confused but felt no fear.
Then in the darkness, in the gloom,
A hummingbird lit up the room.

-Virginia Artrip Snyder


WHEN I WAS ILL

modesty left my side
left me bare
before countless eyes
all the body's mysteries
open for inspection

my once sovereign nation
quickly surrendered
at the prospect of death
and was ruled by doctors
with vain words
on stale breath

resigned to my fate
I tried to retreat
to inner realms
but even my dreams
would humiliate

body is but baggage
for the soul I presume
but that too was examined
by a chubby chaplain
in my room.

-Lew Forester


NIGHT SPELL

Walls have ears
Wind spreads lies
Trees know secrets
Night has eyes.
Bolt the shutters
Listen...wait...
What stranger watches
At my gate?

-Arlette Lees Baker


I HOLD THE SEA
 
Lingering long in surf, on sand,
working on my lobster tan,
risking age spots, dry skin, cancer
in contemplation of an answer
to a question haunting me:
Why did we ever leave the sea

to stretch our legs and walk dry land?
Condemned forever, we are banned
from frolicking as water-dancers,
existing now as geomancers;
we should have planned more carefully
in climbing evolution's tree.

As tears trace streams in brackish strands,
I realize I understand:
The roaring surf is heart entrancing;
its briny warmth is blood romancing.
I'm swept by an epiphany -
I hold the sea inside of me.

-Craig W. Steele


HUMMINGBIRD BATTLE

Three hummingbirds refuse to share,
though on the feeder hanging there
four equal plastic perches flaunt
the sweet these three so keenly want.

With rapier beaks and threatening thrums,
en garde in case another comes,
they thrust and feint with vicious skill
to have it all, or no bird will.
 
For hours, the airborne battle spins
in warfare no one ever wins,
and meanwhile sips the humble bee
the bounty given all for free.

-Barbara Loots


AUTUMN SONG

When autumn bites the brittle air,
We raid the cedar chest
For patchwork quilts and fluffy downs
To line our winter nest.

We gather chestnuts in the woods
To roast before the snows
And ball our scarlet yarn for socks
To toast our winter toes.

We bunch our beds beneath the beams
And cut a length of log
And share the cracking woodbox warmth
With cat and mouse and dog.

We save a sad, sweet memory
For summers burning bright
Then cuddle up with cocoa cups
To greet the frosty night.

-Arlette Lees Baker


WAY AWAY
 
Way away the dream seems distant
Calling out to those who hear.
Someone starts, and in an instant
Everything is clean and clear.

"Here it is!" The hearer hastens,
Not to wait another day,
Live the dream, the Spirit chastens.
Put to bed the way away.

-Walter Stormont


Feel free to share some of your favorites! :la:





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  • Listening to: The Humming by Enya
  • Playing: sims 4
  • Drinking: orange soda

Ongoing Health Issues

Journal Entry: Mon Jul 31, 2017, 3:28 PM



I'm so depressed and frustrated. After FIVE years of battling ulcerative colitis, I thought getting surgery to remove my large intestine would give me my life back. I thought I'd recover enough to get a job or move in with some friends.

Instead, not even a year later, my immune system is going completely haywire, yet again. I'm so sick, and so profoundly dispirited. I made an appointment to see a specialist back in April, but they didn't have an opening until fucking SEPTEMBER. So I just get to sit here all summer, going out of my mind with pain and worry, knowing that even once I get in to see this person, that's only the beginning. I've been through this shit before. First come a battery of tests, then weeks and weeks of waiting, then baffled head-scratching by the doctors, then more waiting, then another round of tests, followed by even more waiting... I have wasted my entire 20s on this bullshit. I am SO tired. Just...so tired.

I feel like my life ended before it ever really began. I graduated from college, got ready to strike out my own, and bam. Everything fell apart. I've missed so many milestones, been cheated out of so many experiences. I've spent my time in hospitals or holed up in my room, just trying to stay alive. And the worst part is, I don't think it's ever going to get any better. Even if they figure out what's wrong with me now, there are so few treatment options for this kind of thing. I feel like there's nothing anyone can do to help me. I feel like it's only going to get worse, and I'm going to suffer a slow and painful decline over the next ten years or so, until this finally kills me.

I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could get out of this body. I just want my life back.



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  • Watching: Yuri on Ice
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Goodbye Sub

Journal Entry: Thu Jul 13, 2017, 3:41 PM



Gonna lose my core membership in 4 days T_T

I need to find the end of the rainbow so I can snatch that pot of gold... get me a leprechaun sugar daddy...



EDIT: 5 min and an anon gives me a sub...thank you anonymous sugar daddy...i love you



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  • Reading: Fly By Night by Frances Hardinge
  • Watching: Criminal Minds
  • Playing: Rinmaru dress-up games
  • Drinking: tea

Win a free request! (WINNER ANNOUNCED)

Journal Entry: Fri Apr 7, 2017, 5:30 PM



Yoooo
Wanna win a free sketch request from me? Just 'like' my art page here on facebook, then post here with references of the character you want drawn. Make sure to include your facebook username so I can verify your like. ^_^

Winner will be chosen using a random number generator 2 weeks from now.


Aaaaand the winner is...

Winner by Acaciathorn

:iconbistraja:! Here is Kayleen: Kayleen by Acaciathorn

Thank you so much to everyone who participated! I really appreciate the support ^_^ xoxoxo



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  • Listening to: Truth and Justice podcast
  • Watching: Rick and Morty
  • Drinking: tea

Shit Town

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 3, 2017, 3:45 PM



For my fellow podcast fans...have you guys checked out Shit Town (S-Town), from the producers of This American Life and Serial?

It's only 7 episodes. It starts out with a true crime kinda vibe, but then takes an unexpected turn. It's very touching and tragic and human. I highly recommend it (NSFW though...there's a lot of swearing and discussion about heavy, sensitive topics).



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  • Listening to: S-Town
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Playlists for your OCs

Journal Entry: Fri Mar 17, 2017, 5:36 AM



Do you have a song or playlist that reminds you of your OC, RPG character, or original story? If you do, share it here and ease my boredom (feel free to post for other people's OCs too). Include a thumbnail or link to the character if possible.

Example:

Jastra
1. Gasoline by Halsey
2. Money Money Money by ABBA
3. Pacify Her by Melanie Martinez
4. Cheap Thrills by Sia
5. Basset Hound by Jillette Johnson

FILL THE VOID IN MY LIFE :o





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  • Listening to: Truth and Justice podcast
  • Playing: Horizon Zero Dawn
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Tendinitis

Journal Entry: Thu Feb 9, 2017, 8:49 PM



Hey guys! Just wanted to give you a heads up - for those of you waiting for commissions, patreon rewards, and art trades, I am operating on a delay because my tendinitis is acting up again. Apologies! ^^;

I hope to be back in action in a couple of weeks.




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  • Listening to: Young Turks podcast
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Commission Info 2017

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 24, 2017, 8:12 AM




PLEASE READ BEFORE COMMISSIONING ME! :iconlovelyplz:


:bulletpink: Payment through Paypal in USD! Full amount upfront.
:bulletpink: Commissions are for personal use, not commercial use. You can upload them wherever you want, but please include a link back to my profile.
:bulletpink: I am still recovering from major surgery and sometimes have to turn down commission requests if my workload becomes too heavy. Apologies in advance! It's not you, it's me, I swear ;P

What I Will Draw:
:bulletpink: Humans, humanoid characters, and most Star Wars aliens. Can be original characters or fanart.
:bulletpink: Blood, mild violence, suggestive clothing, and partial nudity.

What I will NOT Draw:
:bulletpink: Mechs, robots, animals, extreme violence, porn, fetishes, degrading or hate-related content.


Arrow left Arrow left Arrow leftCOMMISSION TYPES AND PRICESArrow right Arrow right Arrow right

I'm currently offering watercolor style portraits for $25. Examples:

Urania Baldwin by Acaciathorn  Vino Veritas by Acaciathorn  Witchy Woman [C] by Acaciathorn

I sometimes also do half-bodies (price dependent on character complexity), so send me a note if you're interested. Examples:


Cathar Diplomat by Acaciathorn  Terra Boros by Acaciathorn  Hufflepuff by Acaciathorn

Arrow left Arrow left Arrow leftWHAT TO INCLUDE IN YOUR NOTEArrow right Arrow right Arrow right

:bulletpink: Commission type
:bulletpink: Character reference pics (there will be an additional fee if you want me to design a character for you)
:bulletpink: Description of character's personality
:bulletpink: Other relevant details you feel I should know


Thanks for reading! :iconlovelyplz:




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  • Listening to: Hero by Monsta X
  • Watching: Law and Order
  • Playing: Tabletop Simulator
  • Drinking: green tea

HARRY POTTER PORTRAITS FINISHED

Journal Entry: Sat Nov 19, 2016, 4:25 PM



HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT I finally finished all the current characters from the Harry Potter RPG I play with Aeyamar, PaladinPhantom, Haley, Arash, and Eli. I know most people here aren't particularly interested, but this is the largest art project I've taken on and actually finished, so I'm quite proud of myself.

Player characters:
Susanna Richmond by Acaciathorn Finn Robinson by Acaciathorn Thomas Fabius by Acaciathorn Isadora Shearwater by Acaciathorn Jack Maddock by Acaciathorn

NPCs:
Mao Fujikawa by Acaciathorn Iris O'Donovan by Acaciathorn Pandora Pritchard by Acaciathorn Cole Chicory by Acaciathorn Arnold Culpepper-Young by Acaciathorn Viola Grey by Acaciathorn Axel Barnabus by Acaciathorn Hector Bode by Acaciathorn Luce Denby by Acaciathorn Marcus Hawksmoor by Acaciathorn Urania Baldwin by Acaciathorn Victoire Weasley by Acaciathorn Charlotte Whitfield by Acaciathorn Aine Hayes by Acaciathorn Rhea Mordaunt by Acaciathorn Carter Fellwind by Acaciathorn Damien Berkley by Acaciathorn Vino Veritas by Acaciathorn Teddy Lupin by Acaciathorn Lyudmila Krum by Acaciathorn Ondine Wallace by Acaciathorn Oliver Wilkinson by Acaciathorn Larry Fontaine by Acaciathorn Serena Collins by Acaciathorn Ernie Pillywickle by Acaciathorn



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  • Listening to: Opening Arguments
  • Eating: G-free Pizza

Nicknames for Donald Trump

Journal Entry: Wed Nov 9, 2016, 12:41 PM



For those of you who have a moral objection to uttering the words "President Trump", my friends and I have compiled a list of alternative titles for you to use ;P :

Oompa Loompa in Chief
Cheeto Benito
The Philanderin' Mandarin
Jackass-o-lantern
Trumplestiltskin
Agent Orange
Largemouth Ass
Creep Throat
King Leer
Der Groepenführer
The White Pride Piper
Lex Loser
The Hair Apparent
Drumpfster Fire
Shartnado
Citizen Vain
Bigly Smalls
A Cockwork Orange
The Shithead of State
Captain KKKangaroo
Fanta Claus
Hair Force One
Bitchie Rich
Confounding Father
Putin on the Ritz



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  • Watching: Cognitive Dissonance's election coverage
  • Playing: Stellaris
  • Eating: risotto
  • Drinking: water

Home from the Hospital

Journal Entry: Sat Oct 29, 2016, 11:07 AM



Hey guys!

I'm back home after my surgery and am settling in nicely. Everything went really well in the hospital (except for an allergic reaction to some adhesive paste), and I've got VNA nurses looking after me over the next couple of weeks while I recover. I still can't really get out of bed too much - giant sutures in your abdomen will do that - but I already feel so much better that it's kind of ridiculous, considering I was just cut open a week ago. I have, like...energy again.

It's a good thing I got the operation when I did. The surgeon told my family that my large intestine was so horribly mangled that it would've likely ruptured within the next 6 weeks and killed me. :o Not a fun thought. Every time I look down at the hideous shitbag taped to my side, I'll just repeat that mantra: "you could've died. You could've died."

Having a freaky side-hole for the rest of my life is the price I pay for survival. Not so keen on that part, but the scars are gonna look pretty damn cool. Maybe I'll get a tattoo on my belly or something. Let people know that I'm a badass :headbang:

:iconfuckyeaplz:



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  • Listening to: Money Money Money by ABBA
  • Playing: GeoGuessr
  • Eating: haddock
  • Drinking: apple juice

Health Update: Getting Surgery

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 7, 2016, 11:13 AM



Well...big announcement, you guys.

 

After 4 years of being horribly sick, and failing medication after medication after medication, surgery is pretty much the only option left for me in terms of dealing with my UC. My operation was originally scheduled for December 7th, but my blood tests looked bad, and they're worried I'll need to be taken to the ER in the dead of night for a rush job, so they moved up the schedule. My new surgery date is October 21st, and the procedure comes with a 4 month recovery time, give or take.

 Because this is major surgery (they're going to gut me like a fish and take out my entire large intestine) there are a panoply of things that can go wrong. This includes horrible infections and of course my untimely death. I mean, it's not particularly likely that I'll croak, but it is still a possibility. In light of that, I just wanted to say that I love all you people, for real :hug: Hopefully I can emerge from this nasty ordeal as the beautiful, shit-bag wearing butterfly I was always meant to be.
FML, and good luck to poor lil ol' me. :iconotlplz:



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  • Listening to: Monsta X - hero
  • Reading: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
  • Watching: Longmire
  • Eating: chicken soup
  • Drinking: Tea

The Health Bullshit Never Ends

Journal Entry: Mon Sep 5, 2016, 8:29 AM



So yeah, I've been sick pretty much all summer. I'm on Humira, Prednisone, and now Azathioprine too, so that's fucking fun (not). My hair's been falling out in gobs, so I had to buy a wig...not that I get to wear it very often, since I can't leave the house to actually go anywhere. Oh right...and, as if I wasn't being tortured enough, my C. difficile infection is back on top of it. I'll be going to the hospital on Wednesday, so wish me luck. This week is going to suck so hard.

FML.





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  • Listening to: Cognitive Dissonance
  • Watching: Stranger Things
  • Eating: Panang Curry
  • Drinking: Tea

Headshot Commissions

Journal Entry: Wed Jul 20, 2016, 3:08 AM



UPDATED INFO HERE: Commission Info 2017

So for the rest of the summer I'll be offering quick, painterly style commissions...I will draw humans and Star Wars aliens (I've done Bothans, Wookiees, Shistavanens, Mirialans, Zabraks, Gungans, Chiss...just don't ask me to draw Hutts, lol).


Human examples: ($15-$20, depending on complexity):
Commission Sample by Acaciathorn  Quick Commission Batch 1 by Acaciathorn

Bothan examples ($20):
Bothan Portraits by Acaciathorn  Commission: Fenn Soran and Sayar Kal'ir by Acaciathorn Stop Drawing Bothans, Ya Damn Weirdo by Acaciathorn





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  • Listening to: Cognitive Dissonance
  • Reading: Greensleeves by Eloise Jarvis McGraw
  • Eating: tater tots
  • Drinking: Water

FEATURE PRESENTATION: DaryaPonyo

Journal Entry: Wed Jun 15, 2016, 7:36 PM



Welcome again to FEATURE PRESENTATION, a monthly special wherein I spotlight some of my favorite artists on dA, then proceed to fangirl unabashedly. The criteria for selection are as follows: 1) the artist must have less than 200,000 pageviews, and 2) they must be fucking awesome (duh). Heeeeere we go...



This month's featured artist is DaryaPonyo, AKA :icondaryaponyo:. Check out her gorgeous realism!



The eyes on this guy are sooo captivating. I love the asymmetry.




I adore the lighting, the angle, and the gentleness of her pose.




Her expression is so serene and peaceful, and you can almost feel the warmth from the sunlight falling on her body :heart:




I'd love to read a book about this character. She seems like she'd make a great protagonist.




Once again, get a load of this gorgeous lighting. I love the shadows on her face :love:



Welp...that's it until next month! Hope everyone's having a good summer :heart:




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  • Listening to: Halsey - Gasoline
  • Reading: Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
  • Eating: Turkey sandwich
  • Drinking: water

I Have A Facebook Art Account!

Journal Entry: Mon May 30, 2016, 5:55 PM



Finally broke down and made myself an artist's page on facebook. If for some reason you prefer to follow me over yonder, kindly give my page a Like! I'd appreciate any support I can get :thumbsup: 

FACEBOOK ACCOUNT LINK



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  • Listening to: Halsey - Gasoline
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FEATURE PRESENTATION: Ellrano

Journal Entry: Sat May 7, 2016, 6:40 PM



Welcome again to FEATURE PRESENTATION, a monthly special wherein I spotlight some of my favorite artists on dA, then proceed to fangirl unabashedly. The criteria for selection are as follows: 1) the artist must have less than 200,000 pageviews, and 2) they must be fucking awesome (duh). Heeeeere we go...




This month's featured artist is ellrano, AKA :iconellrano:. This deviant creates lovely, scifi/fantasy pictures with luminous shading and gorgeous glowing backgrounds. Behold the awesome:

Peony by ellrano

I adore the skin and eyes on this one. The textures are absolutely stunning, and I am love with the freckles and lashes.


Star catcher by ellrano

Ethereal, mysterious, and otherworldly. I don't know who this star explorer is, but I'd love to know her story...


Nomei`s garden by ellrano

So...luminous...




Blueberry and honey by ellrano

Such a cool looking character. The hair is luxurious and I love her earrings, eyes, and brows.


Incognito by ellrano

I love the plants in this one. There are so many colors and shapes and textures just waiting to be seen upon closer view.


Welp...that's it until next month! Party on, Wayne :headbang:



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  • Listening to: Godawful Movies
  • Playing: Fallout 4
  • Eating: Thai peanut noodles
  • Drinking: cranberry juice

Anyone play Fallout 4? Show me your character

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 25, 2016, 11:18 PM



My cousin lent me Fallout 4 to keep me occupied while I’m sitting around sick as a fucking dog

Here's my main lady, Iris.









I’m going for a charismatic, intelligent sort of character who wants caps and power but also genuinely wants to make the wasteland a better place. She’s willing to put others before herself, but she’s also totally cool with shooting people in the face. So don’t be a fuckwit :XD:

Do you play Fallout? Tell me about your character, and show me a screencap if you have one!



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FEATURE PRESENTATION: MoonlightOrange

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 18, 2016, 5:49 PM



Welcome again to FEATURE PRESENTATION, a monthly special wherein I spotlight some of my favorite artists on dA, then proceed to fangirl unabashedly. The criteria for selection are as follows: 1) the artist must have less than 200,000 pageviews, and 2) they must be fucking awesome (duh). Heeeeere we go...




This month's featured artist is Gui Guimaraes, AKA :iconmoonlightorange:. He has a real flair for scifi designs, and he makes GORGEOUS illuminated animations with a video game quality to them. Definitely worth checking out, so leeeet's take a tour!


Wii U Girl - animated by MoonlightOrange

Look at this "Wii Girl" brought to life! The drawing really captures the spirit of the console while also being interesting enough to stand on its own.


Cyber Candy Doll n.02 - animated by MoonlightOrange

I love the glow and pop of this picture. It fizzles with electricity and juice at the same time. So cool!


Xbox One Girl - Animated by MoonlightOrange

A great personification of the X-box. The highlights on this one are spectacular, and the slashing motion of the animation really fits with the design.


C-9 leg repair - animated by MoonlightOrange

C-9 leg repair is a cute little scene...I love the casual trust between the mechanic and her "patient". Futuristic, creative, and charming all at once!


Nvidia senpai - animated by MoonlightOrange

And last but not least...I just really like the colors on this one! :heart:




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  • Listening to: Various Podcasts
  • Watching: Mushi-shi
  • Playing: Sims 3
  • Eating: Prednisone
  • Drinking: Gatorade

More Health Drama. Cause That's My Life Now

Journal Entry: Sun Apr 17, 2016, 11:07 AM



So...I've had an interesting couple of days. And by 'interesting', I mean 'shitty as can be'.

I passed out in the parking lot at Shaw's on Friday, after my appt with my gastroenterologist. I'd never fainted before, and lemme tell you...I don't recommend it. I don't even remember losing consciousness, but luckily my grandma caught me and prevented me from smacking my head on the concrete. I woke up confused, nauseous, and drenched in sweat, surrounded by a bunch of old ladies who'd gathered around to help. I was delirious and didn't know what was going on, so my grandma shoved me in the back of her SUV and drove me to the ER, where I spent the day getting fluids to combat severe dehydration and exhaustion.

The doctors want to start me on Humira and immunomodulators as soon as possible, because the steroids are doing NOTHING to stop this killer flare-up. Problem is, my tuberculosis test came back 'indeterminate' for some reason, so I have to meet up with an infectious disease specialist before I can start the crazy meds ('cause if you have an infection while on Humira, it can literally kill you). I had a chest X-ray on Friday and it looked fine, but I still have to wait around all week for this stupid appointment. In the meantime, I just have to put up with the agony.

[WARNING: PERSONAL INFO/MAJOR TMI AHEAD]

So yeah, that's where I am. I lie here in bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, aching with fevers, dripping with sweat, writhing in pain from the cramps that keep me up every night. I crap blood 15-20 times a day, and when I'm not crapping blood, I just slump over like a dead thing because I'm so exhausted from the war my immune system is waging against its own goddamn self. I haven't had a period in ages because my body doesn't have any nutrients left to spare. My colon looks like it got a visit from Freddy fucking Krueger.

I hate this so much. I keep thinking, this HAS to be my lowest point. It can't possibly get any worse. This is is it: rock bottom. Years from now I'll look back on this ordeal and think, "thank God that's over". But that's the thing. I've been dealing with this disease for FOUR YEARS. Every time I think it can't get worse, that I can't possibly get any sicker, I DO. My ulcerative colitis has progressed from mild to moderate to severe. I'm not exaggerating when I say that this C. difficile infection and subsequent colitis flare-up almost killed me. And it's always the same old routine: "we'll figure this out," the doctors tell me. "We'll get these symptoms under control. We'll find a treatment plan that works. It'll get better.". Sure. Sure it will. You've been saying that for FOUR YEARS. "Swallow this pill. Try this supplement. Give acupuncture a go. Eat this. Don't eat that. Shove this suppository up your ass. Nope, better make it an enema. On second thought, try this other pill..." I feel like I'm going insane. My mind is awash in CAT scans and colonoscopies, in rubber gloves and bleach and hospital gowns and beeping heart monitors. HOW am I enduring this? Where the hell do I find the will to soldier on?

It's a cruel, sick joke. Little Miss Mara, who worked her whole life to get into Brown so that she could get a good education. Who slaved away and graduated #1 in her class in Anthropology, because she wanted to travel the world and experience different cultures. Miss Mara, who stepped off that stage with diploma in hand, anxious but bright-eyed, ready to face life and all its adventures. And what happened after that? Everything ended. EVERYTHING.

It's almost like there's a voice in my head, mocking me. "Oh, what's that?" it says. "You dreamed of traveling to exotic locales? Forget about it. You can never tell when you're going to be sick. Oh, You love teaching ESL and working with refugee communities? Sorry, you can't do that anymore. Those immunosuppressant drugs are no joke, and we can't have you coming in contact with populations who've been exposed to TB. Oh, you wanna be independent and try to make something of yourself? Sorry, but your health is too unpredictable for you to hold down a full time job. And your money? Better save that for meds, sweetheart. All those prescriptions and tinctures and hospital visits don't come cheap."

It's bad enough, feeling like all your dreams are dead - but the worst thing, the absolute WORST thing, is the realization that life goes on without you. People stop inviting you places because you always turn them down. Friends get new jobs and move to new cities. Your relatives throw parties and go on family vacations without you. People fall in love and get married and start having kids. They make mistakes and do stupid shit and learn and grow and change. And there you are, stuck in limbo, peering out at the wide, colorful world from within the confines of your blood-and-bone cage. It's like being a ghost. You get to sit there and watch life pass you by, and there's nothing you can do about it.

I've read a lot of chronic illness blogs, and I've tried to get involved with the online "spoonie" community or whatever, but there's this disconnect I can't seem to overcome. I keep encountering this falsely upbeat attitude, like "IBD sucks, but it's made me strong!" or "I'm a fighter!! Can't keep me down!" I understand where it comes from, and I don't begrudge the people who find it helpful, but I just can't relate. This disease hasn't made me stronger. It hasn't made me a better person. It's made me into the worst possible version of myself. I seethe with hatred and anger. Take tumblr, for instance. Tumblr used to make me laugh my ass off, because it's fucking tumblr, and it's ridiculous. Now, more often than not, I just see a bunch of stupid, whiny little pissants bitching and moaning 'cause their parents don't understand them, or school is stwessful, or they don't feel "body positive" today. GROW THE FUCK UP. You don't have real problems. Call me when you're hooked up to an IV drip, pumped full of morphine and antibiotics and steroids, throwing up into a bucket and shitting into a cardboard commode. Call me when you're having an anxiety attack AND you're bleeding out of your ass.

Or better yet, take facebook. I log on, and you know what I see? I see friends and family members posting goofy selfies or photos of their vacation destinations. I see them checking themselves in at events or talking about their jobs or sharing pictures of Chinese takeout orders, and you know what? I HATE them. I hate them because they have NO idea what I'm going through - because they get to wake up every day and just live their lives, and I don't have that luxury. And it's not fair to them, because they weren't the ones who did this to me. It's not like it's their fault I got sick. Many of them have cared for me and loved me and supported me in ways I didn't even know were possible. But the thing is, I can't help it. I'm jealous. I'm SO profoundly jealous. Other people get to go out to eat. They get to hang out with friends on a Friday night. They get to go to the movies, or leave for a weekend trip, or get their nails done. You know what I get? I get to bring a trash can and a change of clothes with me whenever I leave the house - if I even CAN leave the house - because I can't control my bowels. I don't get to enjoy a nice meal at a restaurant. I don't get to spend time with friends. I get to sit in my room, all alone, day after day, in agonizing pain.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Not on my worst enemy. It has to get better. It HAS to.

Sigh.

Thank goodness I have Deviantart, where I can stare at shiny animu pics and shut off my brain for awhile. It's been a constant in my life for 10 years, and that kind of familiarity is a real comfort. Also, a MILLION thank yous to Reifeeve, who just gifted me a core membership and legitimately made me weep happy tears. The generosity of the people on this website never ceases to amaze me. I only wish I could repay you guys somehow.





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  • Reading: Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
  • Watching: Mushi-shi
  • Playing: Crusader Kings II
  • Eating: ravioli
  • Drinking: water