So yesterday was probably the hardest day of my life.
Me and my partner of four years went out separate ways.
Some of my long time watchers might remember the journal I posted all that time ago, when he first told me he was interested in me in that way. I remember getting myself so worked up over it. And in the end we gave it a shot... And we lasted four years. And I loved him with all my heart and he loved me back the same way. I still love him, and I think I always will. Which is hard... I would have loved to try again in a year or so to make things work. To start over with us both in a better frame of mind and with us both having a better attitude to the relationship. But he told me that the chances of us ever speaking again are virtually non-existent. Which is the hardest part... I never wanted him out of my life completely.
I hate so much that this has happened. I wish so much that we could have made things work. We were both just so negative... Both suffering from depression and anxiety, so every little thing became a big deal for one of us, when it didn't need to. We were both so focused on wanting each other to be happy, we made ourselves more miserable when it didn't happen.
I understand that it would be so difficult for us to stay in touch after what we lost, but it still hurts so badly. I'm going to miss him so so much. And I know there'll always be a part of me that waits for him to come back and try again, even though he's told me it wont happen... I've just never felt so lost and empty. I've never regretted anything more than walking away, even if it was the right thing to do. Just breaking my heart.
I guess I just need a distraction and a pick me up right now. I would love to get some art of Bee to help, she's my little rock, even though she's not even real... I wish she was, she'd be the best for hugs. Anyway, I have some points on hand and maybe a few spare moneys in my paypal. So if anyone has open commissions please let me know. Will probably help a whole lot more than you'd imagine <3
Sorry for the venty journal too guys, its just much easier to post here where I have no family to see it... They can be kinda judgemental at times.
Oh and, if anyone would like to request a mini sketch of their character, that would be a great distraction for me too... let me know!