Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
I thought I was...but I'm clearly not.

Below is an...'explanation' why.

Back in August I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks to hopefully eradicate my insomnia. My insomnia, which had started quietly when I was 18 and over the years grew into a monster that was ruining my chance of living a normal life. It created (or enhanced) my depression and anxiety. I felt like nothing could go right. I was actually hoping that something would happen to just...end it all. I've never been suicidal. Never tried to take my own life. But those thoughts were becoming more prominent during the quiet hours of 4am.

The good news was that my time at the hospital near to eradicated my insomnia. I was sleeping enough and at reasonable hours. I was so happy! Of course I thought that now that my sleep was sorted, my mental health would fall in place. Well...
An EEG test and brain scans found a new problem. I have epilepsy. Of more specifically: epilepsy that acts like bipolar disorder.
It did explain my jumps in mood. I was put on a bunch of new medications to counter the effects and I was doing okay. Leaving the hospital, I felt like a new person. For a month everything was going great. I was so ready to get back to drawing and my comic. I still had some low points every now and then, sure, but it was manageable. Then October rolled in...

And I have no idea what happened. Every day living was a chore. Working on my comic became an event filled with anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. It didn't get better day by day. My mind won't shut up. I have to occupy my mind with conversation or watch/listen to someone play games on youtube or else my brain throws these horrid thoughts at me.
'You're not good enough.' 'Whatever you do doesn't matter.' 'Why even try? You've been at it so long and where are you?'
And those are just a handful of them. The thoughts can range from big issues to the tiniest little problem and then just blow up. This has never happened to me before. In the past, when problems or thoughts like these came up, I always had a 'silver lining' thought to pick me up and let me move forward. But those good thoughts are just...missing right now. I don't know what's going on and I hate it. I hate this so much. I thought I was better.

Just when I started uploading comic pages again and getting back to what I supposedly love to do...this just had to happen to me.
What do you do when the one thing you adore to do and always made you feel good just...causes you to shake and cry and make your heart race so hard you think you're going to have a panic attack?

I feel lost right now. Lost and confused and sad. I'm so tired of being sick...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm this way and...that I need more time.

After speaking to my family, my husband and some close friends...we've come to a conclusion that I need more time before I come back to the internet and regular White Space updates. I need to get better from this or otherwise I might just burn out and who knows what damage that could do. I'll be seeing my doctor again soon to talk about all this and find a solution but I've decided to just...take it easy until next year. I don't know what I'll be like in January but I know what my schedule looks like for the coming months; busy. Trips, holidays, Christmas, etc, etc. If I were a healthier person I could have scheduled pages for the next few months but, well. -shrugs-

I hope and hope that this can be fixed or regulated somehow. I want to be better. I do. I don't want my own mind to sabotage me like this. I want to live. Live and do. I do.

If you read through all of this, I want to say 'thank you' for taking the time.
Most of my followers have always been kind and understanding and it means the world to me.

Anyway, White Space will be put on hold for a while longer, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure about art right now. I might post a picture now and then if my mood and anxiety allows it. But everyone I've spoken to agrees that I should take it easy for now, which is what I'll do.

Ugh...just...why this.

TL;DR:
My insomnia is better but I've been diagnosed with epilepsy and bipolar disorder. I was doing okay for a while but suddenly I have crippling anxiety when working on the comic or other art. White Space is going on hiatus again until I get better because I want to be at my best when working on it, not this mess I am right now and ruin it. I might post other art occasionally if I feel okay. I'm sorry about all of this. I'm so tired of being sick.

Thanks again for reading and hope you all have a good day. ^v^
Add a Comment:
 
:iconch4rm3d:
Ch4rm3d Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Shit good luck friend, and take as much time as you need.  Just know you are an inspiration to me, whenever I feel bad about other people not making me happy or I'm upset about friends and things, I remember a journal you made ages ago about it's not other people's job to make you happy, and stuff like that, and I feel like it could apply to this too, chill, don't worry about the comic or stuff like that making you happy, once you've taken care of yourself, and whichever demons are harassing you, be they anxiety, depression, sadness or what have you, you can go back and see if you can coax your old happy feelings out of the art, without bad feelings breathing down your back.  Or something profound like that.

You can do the thing!
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
asdfghjkl thank you so much for the kind wooords ;;v;;
I'll try my best! (I'm already feeling a lot better, so I hope it lasts!)
:iconsupertighthugplz:
Reply
:iconch4rm3d:
Ch4rm3d Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good!  <3
Reply
:iconteallight:
Teallight Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hey. I'm sorry to hear that, and though I am in no position to give advice, all I can hope for is for you to do whatever you feel better doing. If that means setting some things aside and changing the routine, do it, and don't ever feel like you have to apologise for it. You are free to get back on it anytime you wish.
Take care of yourself. We will wait :)
Hope you feel better soon
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much ;v;
Your kind words are very much appreciated, really <3
I will do my best!
Reply
:iconpampoke:
PamPoke Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, hun.
I wish there was some way I could make you feel better. 
Take all the time you need, sweetheart. Just don't forget that you have friends here too, who are always available if you want to talk or vent or, whatever. Don't worry about making other people happy right now. Just worry about yourself. Your fans and friends will be here whenever you're ready for us. 
We love you so much, hun. 
:heart:
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you Sarah TvT
I appreciate the kind words and support and I'm glad to know that someone is standing with me through this.
Love you too, my friend :heart:
Reply
:iconhitaka5ever:
Hitaka5Ever Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
That sounds really rough and I'm sorry you have to go through this :c Hopefully your medication and a lot of rest will help you feel better. Breaks, even long ones, are good for you, so take all the time you need. Most people will understand

Take care!
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much.
Yeah, rest is definitely what I need, or at least that's what everyone is telling me. So I will do just that.
Thank you for you kind words and I will try my best!
Reply
:iconhitaka5ever:
Hitaka5Ever Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome :)
Reply
:iconcatzk3:
CatzK3 Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
While reading through all of this, I couldn't help but notice how shockingly similar all of this is to my own situation. 
I also have I suppose you could say self induced "Controlled" insomnia over the weekends, were I pump myself up with Ritalin, energy drinks & coffee & then soldier through to the point till you get so tired that you can't sleep. I know it's probably bad for me, but the weekends is the only time I have to work on my comic, and I just don't want to waste any of it "Sleeping"

I have also asked myself all of those questions. "What if you never make it" "Your stuff isn't nearly as good as most of the others out there" "You should probably just quit now before you waste any more of your short life on thris fruitless endeavour" and yes, I have had my blowouts. I have been moody, I have taken it out on others & I have on multiple occasions considered quitting. To just leave it all behind & go live a normal life...

But goddamn it, that just wouldn't be me. However... that's just me, and I don't know you nearly as well as to give you proper advice. I wish I could tell you all this is gunna get better & I wish I could tell you all this is eventually gunna pay off. But sadly that's not how life works, and when it has reached the point where doctors get involved, then I think... this may just be your cue to... I dunno... quit?

Every Time you take an hiatus, it pushes your progress back I dunno how long, and what's to say somewhere down the line you're not just going to run into this same problem again, like a fire victim with PTSD signing up to be a firefighter. Maybe get a different Hobby that's still similar but isn't as demanding, or maybe just chalk this one up as a loss.

Nothing is worth your physical & mental health... 
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I've thought about quitting a few times this past month but it's like you said:
It just wouldn't be me.
I love my comic too much to just let it go. I'd rather get better and come back to it, than see it as the reason I'm feeling like this (which it's not).
It's just the new medications that's screwing around. My physical surroundings are optimal for working on the comic, it's just the mental that needs some tweaking.
I'm not ready to quit before I've done everything I possibly can to follow this dream I have, y'know? Otherwise I would regret it later in life.
From the sound of it, you know what it's like to pour blood, sweat and tears into something you enjoy doing, so quitting is the last thing we'd do. ^v^
Reply
:iconcatzk3:
CatzK3 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Professional Digital Artist
Well then I am lad to hear that. Soldier on then. 
Reply
:iconspeedaction:
SpeedAction Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2017  Student General Artist
Geez, sorry this all has been happening.
I think you're doing right to give it a rest.

Don't worry, we'll be here whenever you come back, and if you need help, you just have to ask!
Reply
:iconabnormallynice:
AbnormallyNice Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks, dude. ^v^
It's good to have you guys backing me up on this. It makes me feel a little less guilty about it.
I appreciate it a lot.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconabnormallynice: More from AbnormallyNice


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
October 19, 2017
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,239 (1 today)
Favourites
0
Comments
15