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literature

Alice's Big Problem

a0040pc's avatar
By a0040pc   |   
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  It was a beautiful day in Wonderland. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and it was a warm summer’s day. Things seemed to be perfect and that was the way Reginald the Mad Hatter liked it. He was excited since today was his one hundred and twenty-seventh unbirthday of the year. Although his relationship with Alice was a little rocky but that’s how it always was. He was even singing along to one of his favourite songs as he walked to his unbirthday party with the March Hare.
  “Shiny happy people holding hands,” he sang.
  But then he past the White Rabbit’s house without taking much notice. He just went along his business until he heard something earth shattering.
  “HELP ME!” shouted a Voice.
  Reginald then turned his head and saw two huge legs sticking out of the house and two equally large arms sticking out of the windows. He didn’t know what to say. But he saw a huge face through the middle window. He recognised it almost instantly and his heart raced like a formula one car.
  “Alice?” asked Reginald.
  “Reg is that you,” replied Alice. With one of her hands she picked him up and brought him up to her level. She could see him through the window and she seemed to be distressed. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you. I’ve been sitting here for over an hour.”
  “What happened to you? Well besides the obvious.”
  “The White Rabbit thought I was his maid again and he made me go in here to get his fan and gloves. And then I saw them.”
  “Saw what?”
  “The most delicious looking candies in the world. I’ve been dieting myself for weeks and I just couldn’t resist the temptation.”
  “You’ve been dieting.”
  “Yes.” She then thought for a moment. “Hey are you saying that I haven’t lost any weight?”
  “No not at all. You’ve looked very slender.” He had to say this since right now he didn’t want to anger her.
  “Thank you.”
  Reginald then gave out a sigh of relief that he had dodged a bullet. But he wanted to know what happened next.
  “Well what happened next?” he asked.
  “Oh right,” replied Alice. “After I ate one of the candies I grew until I was this size and now I’m stuck.”
  “Have you tried standing up?”
  “No I never thought that.” Alice had said this with a lot of sarcasm in her voice. “This house is a lot stronger then it looks. Please I need your help.”
  “How can I help?”
  “I need to eat something that’ll make me small again.”
  “And what’s that?”
  “The Caterpillar’s mushroom. Quick bring me some of that.”
  “Hey what’s in it for me?”
   “Don’t say it.”
  “If I get you the mushroom you’ve got to give me a kiss everyday for the next month. And none of those kisses you give you grandma. I mean a kiss that you’d give your lover after he brought you an expensive dress.”
  “Have you got that big stupid green hat of yours on too tight? There’s no way I’m doing that. Not now not ever.” She was beginning to get angry.
   “Well I guess I’ll just have to leave you here.”
  “You can’t. I’m holding you.”
  “But you can’t keep a hold of me forever.”
  “I can try.”
  Alice held Reginald there for what seemed to be an hour. Her hand was getting numb from holding him. She was thinking about her options and she had to admit that she didn’t have too many right now.
  “Fine,” she said.
  “What was that?” replied Reginald. “I didn’t quite catch that.” A huge grin appeared on his face.
  “If you get me the mushroom I’ll kiss you every day for the next month.”
  “Proper kisses?”
  “Yes proper kisses.”
  “Then we have a deal my very large friend.”
  “Good now get going.”
  She then threw Reginald to the side and he landed in a fertilizer heap. Although it did break his fall he now was now covered in the stuff and he smelled really bad. He’d definitely have to wash before trying to get the mushroom.
  “And don’t take too long!” demanded Alice.
  “Ok I won’t,” replied Reginald. “You overgrown bitch.” He had said this as quietly as possible.
  “What was that?”
  “I said I have a really bad itch.”
  “Oh.”
  Reginald then moved away from Alice as quickly as he could. Thankfully he walked past a people wash (Like a car wash but washes people instead). He came out the exit clean and stench free. But now he had to task of finding the caterpillar with the size changing mushroom.
  It didn’t take him too long to find the woodlands and he looked to the ground to find the Caterpillar. But since the grass was so long it was taking him a lot longer then he had expected.
  “Come on how hard is it to find a caterpillar?” asked Reginald to himself. “Ok the caterpillar maybe smaller but I’m good at finding things small. No wait I’m good at finding big things.” But then he began to whiff something up his noise. “Hey is that tobacco?” He then remembered that the Caterpillar smoked and he put it together. “The caterpillar.”
  Reginald quickly tracked down the source of the smoke and he found the caterpillar sitting on his mushroom smoking his pipe. He looked up at Reginald and took a puff on his pipe.
  “Who are you?” asked the Caterpillar.
  “Needmushroomforalice,” replied Reginald.
  “Slow down Bulls eye.”
  “I need some mushroom for Alice. She’s grown in the White Rabbit’s house again”
  “Oh why didn’t you just say so?”
  “Thanks.”
  “But before I can give you my mushroom you have to answer these questions three. If you get any wrong no mushroom.”
  “They’re not rocket science questions are they?”
  “No and they’re not tea questions.”
  “Damn it.”
  “What is your name?”
  “Reginald.”
  “What is your quest?”
  “To get a mushroom for Alice.”
  “What is your favourite colour?”
  “Blue.”
  “Ok take it.”
  “Wow that was surprisingly easy.”
  The Caterpillar moved off the mushroom and Reginald picked out the one he wanted. But he was a little confused.
  “Does this mushroom make things grow or shrink?” asked Reginald.
  “It’s one of the two,” replied the Caterpillar. “If you want me give you a guarantee that you have the shrinking one then you must answer these questions three.”
  “This’ll be easy.” Reginald then began to smile a little.
  “What is your name?” asked the Caterpillar.
  “Reginald.”
  “What is your quest?”
  “To know if I have a shrinking mushroom.”
  “What is the average air velocity of an adult swallow?”
  Reginald was completely caught by surprise by this question. He began to stutter a little with guesses.
  “Three miles an hour?”
  Just then he felt himself shot up into the air. He screamed as he flew through the air he thought he was going to die from high fall. But then he felt himself fall in a pile of fertilizer. He was a little annoyed by this. But then Reginald recognised it as the same one he landed in earlier. This could only mean one thing.
  Reginald quickly looked and saw Alice. She was still stuck in the house and she hadn’t seen him come back. He quickly went back to the people wash and then he went to Alice. She quickly picked him back up.
  “Reg you’re back,” she said. “Did you get the mushroom?”
  “Yeah it’s right here,” replied Reginald. He then held out the mushroom. “But I’m not sure…”
  “Give me that,” interrupted Alice. She took the mushroom out of his hand with her free hand and she quickly ate it. She felt her body begin to shake. “I can feel it. I’m going to shrink.”
  Reginald was able to get out of Alice’s hand while she was distracted. He landed on the ground and looked at the house. He could see that Alice was changing size again. But instead of shrinking like she was suppose to she began to grow again. The house was beginning to crumble away.
  “Now would be a good time to reach a minimum safe distance,” said Reginald.
  He then began to run away from Alice until he was a safe distance from her. He could see her head come up through the roof but she was still getting larger. Within seconds she had completely broken out of the house and she stood up to her full height. She cast a huge shadow over Reginald and she was looking at him clearly.
  “REGINALD YOU STUPID *&(%$^£ YOU BROUGHT ME THE WRONG MUSHROOM!” shouted Alice.
  “I did try to warn you,” replied Reginald. “But look on the bright side. At least you’re not stuck in the house anymore.”
  “OH I’LL REMEMBER THAT! AND RIGHT NOW I CAN THINK OF ONE MORE BRIGHT SIDE!”
  “Err what’s that?” He felt too scared to ask.
  “I CAN CRUSH YOU LIKE THE BUG YOU ARE!”
  “Now, now Alice don’t do something you’ll regret.”
  Reginald began to run away and Alice gave chase. She was causing small earthquakes when she tried to stomp on him.
  “STAY STILL YOU LITTLE BUG!”
  Reginald still ran for his life from the colossal size Alice. He could only hope that the mushroom and Candy would wear off soon.

The End.
© 2008 - 2020 a0040pc
A giant size Alice is stuck in the White Rabbit's house again and needs Reginald's help with disaterous results.

(C) Reginald and Alice own by Bri-Chan
Comments5
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likesbigfootwomen's avatar
Nice story and very funny too
a0040pc's avatar
Thanks, it has been many years since I wrote it.
Russian-hobo86's avatar
"What is your favourite colour"?
"Blue... No red argggggh"
CruelDreams's avatar
MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES!!! I SAWS THEM!!
BlazingBarrager's avatar
BlazingBarragerHobbyist Writer
:rofl: