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About Deviant Count OlafFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 9 Years
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I Am
I am autistic
I wonder if people can tell
I hear everything

I see people's eyes burning into mine

I want eye contact not to burn

I am autistic

I pretend I am normal
I feel other people's emotions

I touch the thin glass wall between me and everyone else

I worry that I will never completely destroy that glass wall

I cry when other people cry

I am autistic

I understand that I am not perfect

I say why should I aspire to be something false
I dream of finding the balance between extreme emotions and apathy and
I try to find that balance

I hope that someday, there will be no glass wall
I am autistic
:icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 4 5
I am stuck behind a glass wall of my own creation.
It serves as a shield against the stones they throw.
I can hear them all clattering against the glass
and the sound hurts my ears.
But so far, there are no cracks in my shield.
I can see what they see.
I can hear what they hear.
But I can't feel what they feel.
Out in the blizzard
I have built myself a transparent box.
It keeps me safe
and it keeps me warm.
But I almost wish I was out in the blizzard instead.
Is the biting, bitter cold really worse than the stifling heat?
I can see what they see.
I can hear what they hear.
But I can't feel what they feel.
My own voice, my own laughter, my own thoughts
Bounce off the glass, back towards me.
Even in a crowded room
I am completely and utterly alone.
They can see me and I can see them.
They can't hear me, but I can hear them.
Proximity is not the same as empathy.
I can see what they see.
I can hear what they hear.
But I can't feel what they feel.
:icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 4 7
Systematic by 3zirconium3 Systematic :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 8 9 Tense by 3zirconium3 Tense :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 2 0
The door that no one opened
The wall that no one tore down
The glass that no one shattered
The fruit that everyone let rot
The fire that no one tended
The beauty that everyone ignored
The music that no one ever heard
:icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 6 7
I've always wondered:
What exactly
Are "Dancing Souls"?
Are they little glowing bladders
Jumping around
On hot coals?
And why do so many people insist
They like to dance
In the rain?
Because when I do that,
My hair gets frizzy,
Which drives me insane.
And as for your beautiful new love,
That is bursting into bloom,
And that feels flaming hot:
These descriptions may make
For pleasant images,
But they still don't tell me a lot.
Really, no matter how many
Heartfelt metaphors you use
And then attempt to explain:
Love is just science,
Feelings are just synapses,
And they're created by your brain.
I want to hear
Your thoughts and feelings,
In your own time, in your own way.
But please don't bury
Everything in your life
Underneath a stupid cliché.
You should tell me when you're happy
And you can tell me when you're in pain,
But please don't mention your beautiful soul,
That dances in the rain
:icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 1 3
Affinity by 3zirconium3 Affinity :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 1 0 Lady by 3zirconium3 Lady :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 1 3 Danger Zone by 3zirconium3 Danger Zone :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 1 3 Up To No Good by 3zirconium3 Up To No Good :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 0 Cool by 3zirconium3 Cool :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 2 Covert by 3zirconium3 Covert :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 0 Rage by 3zirconium3 Rage :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 1 8 Devil Woman by 3zirconium3 Devil Woman :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 0 Butterfly by 3zirconium3 Butterfly :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 0 Wicked by 3zirconium3 Wicked :icon3zirconium3:3zirconium3 0 0


Rise Of The Dead [Sketch] by xXxDarkSunsetxXx Rise Of The Dead [Sketch] :iconxxxdarksunsetxxx:xXxDarkSunsetxXx 355 24
In The Mirror
Oh, what I wouldn't give-
For a chance to be you.
To look into the mirror
And to see somebody new.
Somebody who's lovely
And somebody who's kind.
Somebody who never feels
As though they've lost their mind.
I bet I'd never hurt again-
I bet I'd never cry.
I bet I'd never, ever feel
As though I want to die.
I bet everyone would love me more
If I could see someone else.
Someone who was good and smart-
And sociable as well.
I'd never have to fear again
The problems in my head.
Why, they would surely disappear
If I were you instead!
And I guess that's why I envy you-
Because you see someone else.
And really, sometimes, I can't stand
To look and see myself.
:iconfireheart613:fireheart613 7 9
Sugary Sweet by dizzylizz Sugary Sweet :icondizzylizz:dizzylizz 12 2 Run for GRASP, Run for Aspergers by SHOrTwiRED Run for GRASP, Run for Aspergers :iconshortwired:SHOrTwiRED 1 6 She saw the time passing by (new) by mariana-a She saw the time passing by (new) :iconmariana-a:mariana-a 686 279 Snowfall by MariannaInsomnia Snowfall :iconmariannainsomnia:MariannaInsomnia 10,347 627
Meaning of Innocence
People think I'm innocent.
And, I guess
I come across that way.
I kind of act like a little kid sometimes.
I can't control my emotions
And I'm easily excited.
Does that make me innocent?
What is innocence?
Is it not knowing real hurt?
if so,
Then I am far from innocent.
Is it never having bad thoughts?
If so,
Then I am far from innocent.
Is it never having thoughts
Of sex
Or hatred enter your mind?
Because if so
Then I am far from innocent.
Is it never feeling so angry that you can't breathe,
Never feeling so sad that you honestly wish you were dead,
Never feeling so numb that you worry you've gone mad?
If so,
Then I am far from innocent.
Is it being shoved down,
Again and again,
And still standing up and asking for a hug?
Is it being completely unable to comprehend cruelty,
Even when it stares you straight in the eye?
Is it believing the world is beautiful,
Even when you've seen how ugly it can be?
If so,
Then yeah
I guess I'm
:iconfireheart613:fireheart613 11 17
Walking through... by ShamsArts Walking through... :iconshamsarts:ShamsArts 20 32 Stuck by ShamsArts Stuck :iconshamsarts:ShamsArts 102 38 fighting my demons by Cyllan18
Mature content
fighting my demons :iconcyllan18:Cyllan18 6 2
Freckles by stefangrosjean
Mature content
Freckles :iconstefangrosjean:stefangrosjean 3,531 124
Mysterious Story by Minnosh Mysterious Story :iconminnosh:Minnosh 53 18
Turning Inward - Asperger Syndrome and discovery
Vignette One - Floating
He floated near the ceiling, up in the front right corner of the classroom. Looking down, the six year old boy could see the top of his teacher's head and the faces of his classmates. Further down the row closest to the door he saw himself watching and listening to the teacher. The boy felt like Superman since he could now fly.
He would often imagine leaving his body during times of increased stress, caused in part by the teacher herself. She wasn't exactly a mean woman, but had a harsh manner that frightened him. At home in the mornings he would sometimes become nauseous from the dread at the thought of going to school. This was made worse by the apprehension he felt with the anticipation of trying to interact with his classmates. He would continue to have a knot in his stomach every morning before school for the next twelve years.
Vignette Two - Focus
The monster was attacking him again. Its hairy paws came out of the igloo through holes on either sid
:iconsincebecomeswhy:sincebecomeswhy 237 222
Mature content
Why do I do it? :iconxlolipopxloverx:xlolipopxloverx 14 6
I'm Not Shy! by PigsTail I'm Not Shy! :iconpigstail:PigsTail 319 47


  • Listening to: Emma!
  • Reading: Stuff White People Like
  • Watching: Toddlers and Tiaras
-I discovered Howard Stern!
-I met my friend Sarah! (aka "Chum")
-I took the bus by myself for the first time (I have gone with friends before) - I went down to Boston to visit Emma
-I was on time to most of my classes
-I met Carrie (coworker) and helped her plan/carry out the cat carnival (funny story, btw...)
-I lost weight and my skin is looking (somewhat) better than it has for awhile
-I (re)discovered my love of genetics, and am thinking about possibly becoming a genetics counselor...
-I fulfilled my language requirement!!!! (Thank you, Emma, that IS a big one!)
-I went on a few dates this summer! (And I still communicate frequently with the guy...) (And why do I feel like this is the thing people will find the most interesting?)
-I became Facebook friends with :iconshortwired:!
-In general, I just got my shit together more...

2011 was a pretty good year...


Count Olaf
United States

I am a 20-year-old, female college student - but that is the only identifying info I'm giving out right smack on the front of my DA page. The idea of being stalked, kidnapped and murdered doesn't appeal to me, thank you very much.

I have Asperger's Syndrome. I also have brown hair, a cell phone, a driver's license, and an interest in neuroscience. AS is just one part of who I am.

I am a clean-freak, but not a neat-freak. Yes, there is a difference.

I'd say I'm generally a good-tempered person - I try to get along with everyone, and there is nothing I hate more than when my friends fight with each other.

Likes: warm/dry/light places, color, chocolate, waffles, apples, food in general, hugs, true friends, Sudoku, art, reading, writing, researching my special interests (odd medical conditions, weird religious cults, etc.), genetics, science in general, (abnormal) psychology, forensic anthropology, poison dart frogs, the internet, that little red flag above my inbox indicating that I have new mail, my dog, relaxing, sleeping, order

Dislikes: cantaloupe, massages, Westboro Baptists, Brazilian waxes (the way they look, not the way they feel - I've never gotten one), loud/sudden noises, people who patronize me, cold weather, anything with a creamy/milky texture, germs, tedious tasks, Hitler (biggest example of fail EVER), intolerance of people who are "different", hypocrisy, being sleep-deprived, my skin, panic attacks, anything that's cold and/or damp

Fears: The dark (ironically I was not afraid of this when I was little), death, oil trucks (thank you, "Marathon Man"), train tracks (only when I'm driving though), catching a disease, germs

Women I most admire: Heather Kuzmich, Margaret Moth, Ladyhawke, Eleanor Roosevelt, Libba Phillips

Style inspirations: Rayanne Graff ("My So-Called Life"), Ladyhawke (singer)

-I've been described as "weird" and "bizarre"
-I am very bad at organizing myself
-I am a HUGE procrastinator - and yes, this does include getting back to people ... HOWEVER, a huge part of the reason I am on here, is to be social, so if I take awhile to get back to you ... it's me, not you
-Another huge part of the reason I am on here, is to show off my art, and to keep improving. So if you have feedback, please let me know - I like honesty! (But don't be mean, please. =p)

Welcome to my domain!

Current Residence: Earth
deviantWEAR sizing preference: small/medium
Favourite genre of music: My musical taste is quite eclectic...
Favourite cartoon character: Ray Gillette
Personal Quote: "Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"


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Jasperinity Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2014
Happy birthday! :D
AnimeNo1Fan Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Davidthorst Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
fireheart613 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave!
clara0107 Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012
Thank you so much for the:+fav: ! :iconwhiteroseplz:
sincebecomeswhy Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave.

I'm both a clean freak and a neat freak. :)
ScarletWolf56 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
thanks for the fav :D
SHOrTwiRED Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!! :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
3zirconium3 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012
FANKS!!!!! :iconjumpingla-plz: (HOOOLY JEEZ, I haven't been on in awhile!)
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