This is me listening for a ghost
with wildfire-wide eyes on a Tuesday at two a.m.
spiking eagerness with anxious osmosis;
I petition for an identity from a circuit court.
This is me listening for the ghost of Ariana Nicole David,
who existed solely in the womb and pride of my mother.
Mom says, with renewed vigorous rigor mortis,
she wanted Ariana enough for her to exist
without ultrasound proof.
Nicholas Aaron Swaner was born on April 17th, 1993
without a father's signature or surname;
Nicholas was born with a father's doubt.
There is a letter to write to Nicholas' father
and his father still hasn't written it yet.
There is someone listening for the ghost of Nicholas Aaron Swaner
but only tasting spirits.
I'm not an addict, but I got a habit
of writing shit down when I believe it
so I've started signing papers different.
I won't write off my identity with a name.
Castle-tops in the mounds soften the sounds
As millions of our wishes stack high;
Building blocks for a passionate escape
Stand tall and fall perfectly into place.
Oh, love's name is one and one is enough -
I, who was once satisfied with myself,
Tasted your kindness and began to change;
Your heart's talents strengthened my resolve and
Bid my dreams to announce in gentle form.
Who am I to bask in your gracious light?
Your temperate being yields no shadows,
And your affectionate feelings allow
A lifetime of romance to surge through me
(Purging the heartache that once consumed me).
Oh, proud paramour, I give you my life -
Please breathe innocent whispers with me and
Entrance sky-flared eyes within our borders.
Built upon this earth is something divine,
And it is our love blessing us tonight.
roots & i'm starting over
last first time.
but another name change and
i'm at it
again, there's so much to
learn and nothing
to lose so who
no one really cared anyway.
i didn't see the double
rainbow i walked it, i've
worked to hard my whole life
for no pay and no
there's no leisure, no
luxury if you ever knew me you'd
so now it's breaking and we're broken
and you can't take it but i've
taken it harder before.
yes that was an innuendo you
and i guess this is just another
point in my life where i say this
is for me and i'm done doing it for you, but
we both know it's for you. everything's
been for you.
so this is for you too. if you've ever stood
up on a building waiting for the wind to
push you off and then you fall, and all
you really want is to scream.
though it sounds the same
and only one letter has changed
and you are not to blame
I know this is so new to you
you thought you had a daughter
no, this does not mean you have a son
Facebook might tell you otherwise, but no
like you, they haven't caught up to the lingo
even I haven't caught up to my lingo
you have a child
your daughters have a sibling
even if I still call myself 'big sister'
I'm not ready to explain yet
The words haven't formed in my mind yet
Our language isn't ready for me yet
With no middle ground between
aunt and uncle
niece and nephew
these are only a few
of the examples I could give to you
and I can't even stand to correct you
when you mispronounce my name
“I mean King Fur KaZing is my father.” Coaxoch clarified.
“But how can he…what is his…why is he like this to you? What could you have possibly done to make the king treat you like this?”
“Live. Living my life as his daughter. He wanted sons, not daughters. I’m not his son, I’m his daughter. Not a prince, but a…uh…”
“So you’re saying the king has never given you any love just because you’re born a girl?” Rachel guessed.
“It is true.” said Coaxoch, “When my mother gave birth to me, the king became angry and then had my mother executed when I was four years old. He has never believed that I should ever have the right to rule so long as I’m a girl. He believes I’m not worth anything. Myself, my ideas, my existence…